What is the Unique Selling Point of Black Women?

 

Animals in love!

What is the Unique selling point of black women? Why would men seek out a black women among all others? If you are on any online dating websites, you might notice some patterns, you might be forgiven if you thought that some of these men are seeking out black women because they into 'strong' women, or that some men like black women because we are curvier or they have a thing for plump women and we are noted for carrying a fair bit of weight. You might not be wrong in these impressions, a number of us might even be upset that we are being sought out by men because of generally unflattering reasons and these men’s niche (as opposed to mainstream) tastes. This has indeed been a sticking point for many black women, that attraction to them especially coming from white men is wrapped up in sordid and fringe tastes and the kind that self-respecting women should be ashamed to trigger in their admirers.

Black women would rather prefer to be sought out for more 'mainstreams' reasons and the fact that we match up to mainstream ideals of beauty, femininity and behavior. There seems something very seedy about being sought out because you are fat as opposed to being sought out because you are slim and only loser men are thought to want to be with dominant women. The sight of the weedy looking guy being dominated by an overbearing and often obese woman on Maury or Jerry Spinger makes us cringe!

 

 

I was having a discussion about younger men and older women with a friend a few weeks ago and she came out with the oft repeated axiom that 'some people go into relationships for the wrong reasons' and added that these relationships are prone to failure. This type of talk about wrong or right reasons for relationships tends to be accepted wisdom. This time however and because we were talking about younger men who look for nurturing older women, I guess the context made me pause on that statement and think about it more deeply.

 

 

We need to question some of the notions we carry about because they actually might be preventing us from finding that unique relationship that fits our unique set of circumstances and identities. Using the example we were discussing, if a younger man lacked maternal nurturing while growing up and as a result seeks out a more nurturing type woman in his subsequent adult relationships, it might feel all icky to us but the truth is, this nurturing deficiency is a permanent part of his identity and will forever be what makes him him, thus seeking out more maternal women (for instance an older woman), will be constant for him and not a passing fancy or 'the wrong reason' in his relationships. In other words a reason is not a 'wrong' reason (which lead to relationship breakup) if it is in this case, an integral part of his identity though it might sound all wrong to us that a man is seeking out a 'mothering' woman for a relationship. There is a woman out there who will match his requirements and who will find fulfillment in what he has to offer too. It might sound strange to us but its all part of the weird and wonderful tapestry of life. Some of us have been raised within parameters and settings that make us individuals that diverge from mainstream lifestyle, needs, preoccupations etc.

 

There is no carved in stone 'right' reason for being with someone. And a lot more of us need to become mature about this. A man can seek a woman for a variety of reasons and vice versa (trading beauty for financial security and etc etc), and as long as the terms are known and acceptable to the other party, that should be all there is to say about it. The fact that arranged marriages can work tells us that it is both party's commitment to the formula that is the deciding factor in whether a relationship works out or not.

 

 

So many factors working against black women in the area of relationship but...

We could sit here and count the reasons why black women are having a hard time compared to other women, when it comes to securing relationships, we could point to racism and unfavorable stereotypes, we could point to an overarching beauty ideal which excludes us, we could talk about weight, flaky men etc etc. One thing however defeats all the obstacles and that thing is...consistent and frequent exposure to the dating market. If black women put themselves out there to met men on a frequent and consistent basis they will come into contact with a broader range of men increasing the probability of finding a man who is right for them. Sitting up in your room complaining is actually more of a hindrance to your relationship ambitions than any of the 'issues' that are put forward as the cause of the lack of marriage among black women!  

 

 

Would you vote for a woman who could fall under the spell of her husband

 

Vicky Pryce has come out of jail. For those who don’t know who she is, she is the woman who committed a criminal offence and claimed in her defense that she was coerced by her husband a then cabinet minister in the current British coalition government.

The jury didn’t buy the idea that Vicky Pryce an eminent economist at the height of her career was such a woman that could come under the coercion of anyone even a husband, and she was sent to jail for 8 months.

 

 

Of course several feminists rallied to her cause and decided to look at the whole issue as one in which she was being punished for being female because a certain female vulnerability in the marriage arrangement means that women can and do fall victim to their husband's dominance. I guess we see this happen everyday but here's the thing, who would vote for women to be in places of authority if they are prone to this kind of mental capture by men. Indeed the case for seeing women as capable and responsible is severely undercut by the notion that we have to make allowances for women because they can be coerced in ways we don’t allow for men. 

 

 

So therein lies another dilemma of modern feminism. Their argument of the capable modern woman who has the mental strength to be CEO and even commander in chief is severely undercut by the defense put up that women can come under the spell of their husbands or partners and can be made to commit all sorts of atrocities. So in a way I am happy that the argument of marital coercion brought forward by the defense team of Ms Vicky Pryce didn't succeed.

 

Next blog post available from 9th June

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