So what then causes the ‘awakening’ to the idea of dating other men?
Because a majority of black women are focussed on black men exclusively for relationships, they hardly ever realise the other options till something causes them to reassess this total focus on black men. The likely catalyst is disillusionment, disappointment or plain insufficiency in numbers of this primary dating focus i.e. black men. I term this process, ‘Going through black men to get to white.’ Many black women for instance wake up to the idea of other men after years of singleness and having no black male prospects insight. Some women awaken to other men, after one too many heartbreaks dating black men.
Isn’t it wrong to seek out white because you have problems with black?
I don’t think a judgement call is necessary here, this is simply the way many black women come to the idea of dating other men and as such, an acknowledgment of the reality of black women. If we however want to look at the cause, it is clear that it has a lot to do with social programming within their communtities.
Black women are raised to think 'only black men' when thinking relationships, and so it is only when they experience real problems here, that it comes to their minds to try other men. It’s like a child that suddenly discovers other things to play with after the wheel falls off its favourite toy truck.
Some black women are uncomfortable admitting that this is how the majority of black women come into the idea of interracial dating. They would rather promote the idea that being open from the start, is the only valid way to do interracial relationships and any other way will deeply flaw the resulting interracial union. This point of view seems reluctant to take into consideration what the reality of black women really is and offers elitist criteria for interracial dating.
Not only this, it is all unproven armchair psychobabble, that a disappointment caused awakening dooms any subsequent interracial relationship.
Not all black women come to interracial dating from a disappointment awakening, however it is safe to say that the majority of black women in the west do not grow up with a neutral race doctrine or a background that allows them to freely and confidently give all men an equal consideration. As black women we have been under strong and skilful directives of our community and indeed the whole society, to comply with a 'make it only black men' edict.
But doesn’t this mean that white men are the second choice?
Not exactly, there are black women who on the contrary, end up thinking that white men are the best, having compared their experiences with black men to that with white. Whether you see white men as second best or not, has little to do with the fact that the catalyst to your awakening was that you didn’t get a black man. This is just the pathway that brought you to a point were you reassessed your ‘only a black man’ paradigm, nothing more.
If a woman has a ‘white man is second best’ belief, this is likely to do with how strongly she adheres to the notion of black men = ideal. And this brings us back to the ‘Resistance Doctrine’ and the fact that this view is strongly contain in this doctrine.
When black women cleave strongly to certain Resistance Doctrine precept like, 'No man can love a black woman like a black man', or believe that it is a sacred duty to marry a black man and thus preserve the race, she is likely to view her relationships with white men as the second best option. Indeed if she manages to date interracially it might be for purely expedient reasons and a way of meeting relationship goals that she cannot find a black man to fulfil.
So and in summary, the fact that you have opened up to interracial dating from want, disillusion or disappointment doesn’t mean white men will be a second best option for you. This view is strongly correlated with the depth of your belief in aspects of the Resistance Doctrine that says so.
Get the full discussion in the IR Dating E-Book
Send your questions to relationshipadvice@dateawhiteguybook.com (I will try my best to give a reply/answer)
Monday, May 19, 2008
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Interracial Dating 101: the Basics
Do black women consider all men as possible mates?
With regards dating and relationships most black women don’t start out favouring all men equally, as being possible partners. In other words, black women do not start from a point, ‘Any man will do be they black, white or other’, the average black woman ONLY sees black men as ‘the’ relationship option for black women.
How do black women then get into the idea of ‘other men’?
Black women see black men as the only option till such a point as they experience an ‘awakening’ to the idea that other men and white men in particular can serve.
So why are black women so strongly bound to this idea that it has to be a black man?
This is a very complex and layered situation which I will try to simplify as much as possible. The first layer is the normalcy of dating black; black women date black men, that’s what they do, this is seen as standard and logical. Upon this layer of normalcy is deliberately built a political one.
It is important to realise that the historical and present reality of being black in this society has given rise to a strong and widely held doctrine of black resistance with resulting rules for black preservation and upliftment. The black resistance doctrine is unwritten and complex, it has behaviour codes particularly for those areas seen as key to black continuity (read more about this doctrine in the IR Dating E-Book).
How does it discourage interracial dating?
One of the core elements of the doctrine of resistance is its anti-interracial relationships stance and to sustain this idea, there is a reversal on white superiority, thus black men are built up while white men are diminished and made unappealing. This is a very key point.
Discouragement also comes from the fact that black woman who marry white are targeted for denouncement within this doctrine, and some very distasteful and a serious accusation are levelled against her including the fact that she hates her blackness, is a mercenary etc.
Scare tactics do indeed form part of the ways of 'corralling' black women. Because the preservation of blackness (and at all costs), is central to the ‘resistance doctrine', it is ok to play on black women’s fears and insecurities for instance those about their wider feminine appeal, to ensure that white men continue to ‘not’ be an option.
And how do black women respond to this ‘resistance’ doctrine?
Well black women are actually reared to take it to heart, to take hold of the rules and feel it is their moral duty to abide by them and thus prove their devotion and love for their community. They become strongly emotionally bound to this philosophy and feel compelled to be ‘good soldiers’ of their race particularly in the face of a black male slack or lack of commitment to these same goals. Some black women say to themselves, “If I just keep faith and keep believing, it will happen.” It gets to a point where they do not see an equal participation of black men as critical to the realisation of black goals as spelt out by the resistance doctrine.
The power of the community doctrine over an individual has a lot to do with ones upbringing. If you were raised in the tenets of ‘black Resistance’ or have come to cleave to it as a sacred article of the black group, it is very likely that the right strings can be pulled to get you reacting as you are meant to. This is why
African women are less likely to cleave to and believe in seperation from whites than African American women, because they are not reared in nor do they operate within such resistance doctrines.
What else puts a barrier up to interracial dating?
We have the hostility coming the other way that is from the the wider community. Black women believe they are not accepted and will be treated negatively by whites and white men. They have real fears and doubts which are reinforced by their experiences with white people, and with all the negative messages about black females beauty and femininity floating around.
However even if there were no doctrines to influence black women’s decisions, we still have segregation (and the resulting unfamiliarity with white men), as a structural block to interracial awakening.
Why are black women dependent on their community so?
In a world that is hostile to black people, they turn to their community for succour, acceptance and understanding. It can be a very scary thought that you might loose all of this backup, because of your choices and have no where else to turn to.
In recent years black women are waking up to the fact that their communities have turned out to be rather dangerous for them as black women and they work and toil for a community with deep rooted sexism and for little or no rewards. Thus some black women believe the black community is a myth.
I will pick up and expand on an aspect of the 'resistance' doctrine because it is important to really breakdown what really secures black women 'away' from interracial dating and thus the nature of the solution.
Get the full discussion in the IR Dating E-Book
Send your questions to relationshipadvice@dateawhiteguybook.com (I will try my best to give a reply/answer)
With regards dating and relationships most black women don’t start out favouring all men equally, as being possible partners. In other words, black women do not start from a point, ‘Any man will do be they black, white or other’, the average black woman ONLY sees black men as ‘the’ relationship option for black women.
How do black women then get into the idea of ‘other men’?
Black women see black men as the only option till such a point as they experience an ‘awakening’ to the idea that other men and white men in particular can serve.
So why are black women so strongly bound to this idea that it has to be a black man?
This is a very complex and layered situation which I will try to simplify as much as possible. The first layer is the normalcy of dating black; black women date black men, that’s what they do, this is seen as standard and logical. Upon this layer of normalcy is deliberately built a political one.
It is important to realise that the historical and present reality of being black in this society has given rise to a strong and widely held doctrine of black resistance with resulting rules for black preservation and upliftment. The black resistance doctrine is unwritten and complex, it has behaviour codes particularly for those areas seen as key to black continuity (read more about this doctrine in the IR Dating E-Book).
How does it discourage interracial dating?
One of the core elements of the doctrine of resistance is its anti-interracial relationships stance and to sustain this idea, there is a reversal on white superiority, thus black men are built up while white men are diminished and made unappealing. This is a very key point.
Discouragement also comes from the fact that black woman who marry white are targeted for denouncement within this doctrine, and some very distasteful and a serious accusation are levelled against her including the fact that she hates her blackness, is a mercenary etc.
Scare tactics do indeed form part of the ways of 'corralling' black women. Because the preservation of blackness (and at all costs), is central to the ‘resistance doctrine', it is ok to play on black women’s fears and insecurities for instance those about their wider feminine appeal, to ensure that white men continue to ‘not’ be an option.
And how do black women respond to this ‘resistance’ doctrine?
Well black women are actually reared to take it to heart, to take hold of the rules and feel it is their moral duty to abide by them and thus prove their devotion and love for their community. They become strongly emotionally bound to this philosophy and feel compelled to be ‘good soldiers’ of their race particularly in the face of a black male slack or lack of commitment to these same goals. Some black women say to themselves, “If I just keep faith and keep believing, it will happen.” It gets to a point where they do not see an equal participation of black men as critical to the realisation of black goals as spelt out by the resistance doctrine.
The power of the community doctrine over an individual has a lot to do with ones upbringing. If you were raised in the tenets of ‘black Resistance’ or have come to cleave to it as a sacred article of the black group, it is very likely that the right strings can be pulled to get you reacting as you are meant to. This is why
African women are less likely to cleave to and believe in seperation from whites than African American women, because they are not reared in nor do they operate within such resistance doctrines.
What else puts a barrier up to interracial dating?
We have the hostility coming the other way that is from the the wider community. Black women believe they are not accepted and will be treated negatively by whites and white men. They have real fears and doubts which are reinforced by their experiences with white people, and with all the negative messages about black females beauty and femininity floating around.
However even if there were no doctrines to influence black women’s decisions, we still have segregation (and the resulting unfamiliarity with white men), as a structural block to interracial awakening.
Why are black women dependent on their community so?
In a world that is hostile to black people, they turn to their community for succour, acceptance and understanding. It can be a very scary thought that you might loose all of this backup, because of your choices and have no where else to turn to.
In recent years black women are waking up to the fact that their communities have turned out to be rather dangerous for them as black women and they work and toil for a community with deep rooted sexism and for little or no rewards. Thus some black women believe the black community is a myth.
I will pick up and expand on an aspect of the 'resistance' doctrine because it is important to really breakdown what really secures black women 'away' from interracial dating and thus the nature of the solution.
Get the full discussion in the IR Dating E-Book
Send your questions to relationshipadvice@dateawhiteguybook.com (I will try my best to give a reply/answer)
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Should we have an ‘Afro pride’ day?
..to help us celebrate the 'afro'/'nappy' hair type, make people get over the notion that it is an aberration of nature, to challenge the fear and non-acceptance of the hair type as valid and beautiful.
Would a ‘afro hair day’ (or week), give each of us bw the necessary support and encouragement to embrace our unique hair type, in the knowledge that as we walk around there will be sisters ‘freeing the fro’ all around us! This might break down the shame and the fear of being the lone sister with the afro and all the snide remarks and singling out which is enough to put most bw off.
Maybe a day or week like this would force upon the conscience of society that black hair must be accepted as it comes, in afro variety and it is neither shameful nor abnormal, because right now and as has been for generations there seems to be a concerted effort to shame the hair type into hiding!
That’s the part that we didn’t address with the Don Imus incident.
Apparently the natural hair on black head is the most offensive attribute of blackness. Whether you call it afro or nappy it is maligned the world over, to be tucked away and kept out of sight. A mark of some sort of ‘unevolved’ state.
These days black skin is normalising, black noses are in vogue but the appearance of the real black hair brings shock, with people (black and white) crossing to the other side of the road to flee such an abomination and avoid being associated with it by the question, “Is that how your hair grows as well”.
Three women were chosen to help design the recent Tony and Guy shampoo collection; Erin O’Conner, Helena Christensen and the shampoo for black hair is fronted by the singer Jamelia. It seemed like such a coup that a bw would front a mainstream campaign and black hair was being 'included' into mainstream as well. But in the ads, Jamelia has wavy hair down to her back; clearly a weave!
This made me very uncomfortable because we are talking shampoo here, and I was expecting an acknowledgement of the black hair type unless we are talking about shampooing a weave!
Indeed I went ahead to review a widely distributed CD on incorporating the shampoo into styling. The black woman they choose to go through the process had bone straight hair as any Caucasian (She was clearly mixed race)! I mean I am ok if they had to straighten the hair but the fact that they were so uncomfortable to start with the afro texture, threw me for six! Is the hair type that abhorrent to mainstream eyes!
Why is there this discomfort about acknowledging that our hair grows nappy? Has the wider society picked up on our anxiety that they would rather go along with the notion that straight hair sprouts from black scalp.
I forced myself to watch the white hairstylist (apparently well known), work on the Caucasian models just so I could compare notes and indeed, never once did she use the world unmanageable, nor frizzy and never once did I see her do the uncomfortable face twitching and the sucking in air thing she kept doing, as she referred to various aspects of the black hair type and the immense effort that would be needed with ‘it'. The Caucasian models hairs were approached with so much enthusiasm like she was so happy to get stuck in.
I totally get why bw feel a need to hide their hair type, there is no denying that we face rejection (particularly from BM), criticism, face being mocked for showing what God created us with. Bw already have it hard and it can become harder from the dating scene to the workplace if they go natural, so no one can convince me to blame sisters one bit for trying to get by. Indeed those who talk about pride in blackness and all that, make me want 'to tear my hair out in frustration' because they never want to grapple with fact that bw will face a tough journey for this choice. They dont want to talk about how we all can asist this process, they instead expect and want each bw to brave it alone and without any upholding, beings made of steel that we are. They get 'incredulous' that many bw might just not want to deal with all that. I guess bw dont deserve to safeguard their feelings and sanity, I mean how dare they think of personal safety and comfort!
I think the situation feeds off itself because white and black folks don’t learn to become comfortable with nappy hair, when we ‘hide’ it and this non-acceptance further causes us to continue to keep up the impression we are born ‘straight’.
So would a ‘Afro/Black/Nappy/Natural’ day help begin changing the climate, begin offering the support and safety in 'general outing' that would begin to encourage sisters to embrace their authentic self?
Any thoughts?
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