Pardon me for the long silences as I organise to be more effective. It's a long drawn out process unfortunately which I might not complete soon. Part of the process is an E-book for white men wanting to have relationships/freindships with black women. From the stat analysis over the years, a third of the buyer of my first book fall under 'male' category and I know there is a need on the side of white men to have an understanding of where black women are 'at' and indeed coming from in terms of relationships and dating. This book will be the most detailed you will ever find on the topic as it will combine over a decade of research and analysis and fact-gathering from and for the 'white male perspective'. I am a few drafts in to this work (which has a very funny title I must say). Please keep a look out for more info!
Anyway, in the midst of this work and reorganising however, I think it is important to write down a few thoughts at regular intervals for black women. Pardon me of they seem all over the place.
Black women confused and feeling pulled in all directions
Many black women are at this point confused as to what they should believe. Since IR blogging took off, many feel we IR bloggers are revealing truth that have been concealed and obscured to the detriment of black women, and many of our arguments resonate with their experinces. However some are pulled in a different direction. Their deep affection for their community (and how it has been shaped) means they are thinking, 'Is the situation really that bad in the black community in terms of dating?' Should I really be giving up? What of our foremothers had given up? (notice the way the issue of being practical about your situation suddenly starts sliding into an issue of 'race treason', 'giving up', not persevering with trust and belief you should have in blackness, not being a strong woman etc.
Unfortunately the pre-framing of all arguments on having a broader option in terms of dating has confused so many black women that they cant really think with clarity about these issues. Somehow they end up feeling this is about betrayal, rejection of blackness, giving up on black men, everything those who would love to corall black women for the good pleasure and service of their communtites would love them to think it is about, to keep them in place serving as a 'resource' for others. Some black women actually think nothing wrong in being a 'resource' to their race and take great pride in it. In truth they dont have a full understanding of what it means to be a 'resource'!
Indeed many black women remain unaware that the 'black woman as backbone' concept has tranmuted up into something even far more exacting and extreme; the concept of 'black woman as rescource for their communtities'. In the case black women exist for the sole purpose of servicing their community any concern for their personal needs such as for protection, respite, succour, comapnionship are looked upon as self serving, amoral an affront and deviation from the needs of their communtities.
Let me also add here that many of us black women are comfortable with 'suffering' and being in a suffering state. We have become used to it and thats why when there seems a clear way out, we would rather 'wait for black men', or wait for the sitaution to change etc etc. I see women saying, 'I'll give it 2 years etc as if the world and or an opportunity will hang around forever'. If your sense of self is 'founded' on hardship, battling through for victory, going about things the 'hard way', and if this is the only way you actually feel comfortable living your life and attaining your goals then I wont be suprised if you are in the 'lets wait around and see' group of black women of which a significant portion will I am afraid wake up one day and discover they have left things too late. Yes I am actually talking about such things as having a family. A personal family experince has thought me that time is shorter than we think. There is an 'open window' to achieve whatever you want no doubt, but often this gives the sense of stretched out time which is such a deception. 3 years before your detremined cut off date might be your real deadline for things you have planned.
Now in terms of what you should believe. I think it is almost essentiall that black women learn to journal. If you have confusions over issues of this nature learn to put down your observations in written form. I have said that the most important perspective in this whole issue is your reality. Are you being treated well and good in your options for now, do you have a healthy number of relationship prospects ie available men. If you do then nothing else but this reality should inform your actions. Do not be overtly worried about what Halima says about the situation or that which other 'contenders' for your affiliation might say, as long as they do not rhymn with your everyday experince, pay the lot of us no mind! This is simple and straight forward.
Also and most importantly, 'keep your eye on the prze'. This is the overall and most important thing. If you want to date and get into a long term relationship, have children, have a career etc etc keep that goal always before you. You will find your unconscious mind will begin to look for ways to bring this about. When I was learning to drive, I stuck a cut out car on my wall, where I could see this everyday. I must tell you that I am a slow learner in such things but even in the dark days of learning, when I just wanted to give up or was too tired to wake up to take my morning lessons, my unconcious mind worked its way towards my goal until I got my licence! As we move into a new year I would encourage black women to do the visual game (I like the idea of the 'possibilities book' in the film 'Last Holiday' with queen Latifah in fact NLP preaches it!). Use a code word if you are conscious of others seeing your dreams spelt out boldly but you know that MTY means 'married this year'.
When you keep your mind and eyes on the 'PRIZE', it determines what and how you will do things. This is what I talked about in the Obama Lessons (see below). Obama had his goal set before him and therefore he plotted a straigh course infront of him which didnt involve dilly dallying on a beach in california, arguing for excess bee cultivation in Brazil etc. When you have a goal, you have focus, when you have a goal you jettison excess baggage to reach it, when you have a goal you streamline to achieve it. And thats what you want for the new year; goals acheived!
Get clued up about interracial dating in the IR Dating E-Book
Send your questions to relationshipadvice@dateawhiteguybook.com (I will try my best to give a reply/answer)
Free E-book on 'The New Way to Date', from Author Ian Coburn. Download from http://www.godisawoman.net/Articles/The%20New%20Way%20to%20Date%20ebook%20-%205%20Steps%20to%20Great%20Dating.pdf
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Subverting the 'ought to' Codes!
Let me say this to people. Success is not all that hard. The ability to progress and move forward is in the human DNA. Sometimes the way black folks talk about black problems you'd think that we all need to go get a PHD to enable us work out our situation. Yet, it is for the simple fact that we have lost sight of the very basic principles that even most unsophisticated societies know and act on that black folks find themselves as a collective in dire situations. I often see black folks as running about looking for 'high level' solutions, when they should simply go back to the basics and so much would fall into place.
Now I was happy to hear a comment by one of the readers on another IR blog that the 'climate' seems to be changing for black women. She cited her experince of flirting with an Asian and white guy soon after Obama was declared the election winner (and his black wife michelle and two lovely daughters took world focus). She said that it appears men are looking at black women with a new gaze, as if seeing them with fresh eyes. I am so happy for this and say this is one thing I have been looking forward to; a situation of 'harvest' for black women, not just one or two hard fought wins, but a kind of general fertile atmosphere within which black women can reap and reap with little effort.
I want to warn you that there are some people who will want you to keep focussing only on black men for relationships and engaging in those age old conversations and back and forths about black men dating other races that takes a whole lot of black womens energy and critical time. Indeed I heard that a talk show host (a black man) is doing some sort of phone in show on the topic. When black men see that black womens's attention might be going elsewhere, they try to pull them back into the same ol talk and preoccupation. Trust me the idea that a growing number of black women are not obsessing over them and their ativities would send some black men into cardiac arrest. I have unearthed the fact that one of the decided (unwritten) criteria for true black womanhood within the black group, is that black women have to be focused on black men; their activities, their choices, their every move etc etc etc. I will be writing about this topic in the near future.
Sisters, particularly those who are my usual audience, dont waste your time on old and gone things. This is how folks prevent you from looking up and seeing new opportunities. When you are involved in the tooing and froing over black males dating choice, guess what? available and willing men just keep passing by. Now if you want to enagage in such debates then make sure it is to drop the seed of wisdom for other black women who are bound in the loop of hashing and rehasing and obsessing over black men. Put enough info out there for them to know they have other choices, something which the 'black community establishment' would rather they not know and avail themselves of.
Positioning for success
1) Get rid of the urge to 'conform' to what a black woman ought to be
Many of us, without even being aware are acting under black instructions of what I call the 'ought to codes'; how black women ought to talk, see things, feel about things, analysis issues, respond to issues etc etc. I remember being in a women's meeting a while back where a black woman expressed her point of view and suddenly there were all these cries of objection from black women, with one woman jumping up from her seat, and with a stern lecturing voice and even sterner face, tell her how she 'ought not to have 'thought that way' (as a black woman)'. You see as black women, we 'ought not' certain things. We ought not to think certain ways, we ought not to say certain things, we ought not to reach certain conclussions, ought not to take a certain line of action' etc etc etc. This is one key reason why a lot of 'black women's meetings' are unproductive and we black women, havent found a way out of the pit we are in as a group, even though thousands meet regularly all round the country. It is because when we come together we are still operating under notions of what we 'ought to' or 'ought not to' be doing, saying even feeling as black women, so our brain is not free to revolve 360 degrees in search of solutions. At the end of the day, there is only so much we can achieve in such a restricted frame of mind!
Black women are constantly in a straitjacket in terms of what they ought to and ought not do and it has become so instinctive in many that when they hear something spoken outside these accepted terms, they will immediately jump up to push the errant female back in line even if this woman was simply speaking from her pure observations of issues and what her senses were telling her about a situation, yet this is totally unacceptable if it clashes with what she 'ought to be saying'.
Let me tell you black women if you dont know this, there is a reason why the creator gave us five senses. It's that we can respond to what they are telling us about the environment and plot a favourable cause of action! If you dont respond to hot and cold appropraitely by putting on more or less clothing for instance, you could die. If you refuse to heed the blaring horns of a truck, you will get run over! You cannot afford to make a practice of discounting your sense-fed internal intelligence.
If you engage in switching off your senses so as to be more in line with what you 'ought to' be feeling, saying or doing, then you are already in trouble because it will be hard to unlearn this activity and your life will be all about fufilling the 'ought to' requirements rather than what your senses say is needed in the situation. At the extreme end of this, you will reprogram your sense till you are unaware of how you really feel and see things. No wonder we cant get many black women to plot a straight course from 'their needs' to 'the solution'. With all the manipulation going on with black women in their community, with people doing all they can to separate black women from their real needs(even the most basic and practical ones like self preservation), many black women are going to have to be re-taught how to reconnect with their needs as communicated by their senses.
Try this excercise, whenever you feel the 'ought to' response arise within you due to any situation, stop and think about the 'intelligence from your senses'. Think, 'But what do my eyes see?,' or 'What is the conclussion from what my eyes and ears are telling me?' Get to know your real 'sense feelings and responses', even if you choose to overide these.
Get the full story, get the IR Dating E-Book
Now I was happy to hear a comment by one of the readers on another IR blog that the 'climate' seems to be changing for black women. She cited her experince of flirting with an Asian and white guy soon after Obama was declared the election winner (and his black wife michelle and two lovely daughters took world focus). She said that it appears men are looking at black women with a new gaze, as if seeing them with fresh eyes. I am so happy for this and say this is one thing I have been looking forward to; a situation of 'harvest' for black women, not just one or two hard fought wins, but a kind of general fertile atmosphere within which black women can reap and reap with little effort.
I want to warn you that there are some people who will want you to keep focussing only on black men for relationships and engaging in those age old conversations and back and forths about black men dating other races that takes a whole lot of black womens energy and critical time. Indeed I heard that a talk show host (a black man) is doing some sort of phone in show on the topic. When black men see that black womens's attention might be going elsewhere, they try to pull them back into the same ol talk and preoccupation. Trust me the idea that a growing number of black women are not obsessing over them and their ativities would send some black men into cardiac arrest. I have unearthed the fact that one of the decided (unwritten) criteria for true black womanhood within the black group, is that black women have to be focused on black men; their activities, their choices, their every move etc etc etc. I will be writing about this topic in the near future.
Sisters, particularly those who are my usual audience, dont waste your time on old and gone things. This is how folks prevent you from looking up and seeing new opportunities. When you are involved in the tooing and froing over black males dating choice, guess what? available and willing men just keep passing by. Now if you want to enagage in such debates then make sure it is to drop the seed of wisdom for other black women who are bound in the loop of hashing and rehasing and obsessing over black men. Put enough info out there for them to know they have other choices, something which the 'black community establishment' would rather they not know and avail themselves of.
Positioning for success
1) Get rid of the urge to 'conform' to what a black woman ought to be
Many of us, without even being aware are acting under black instructions of what I call the 'ought to codes'; how black women ought to talk, see things, feel about things, analysis issues, respond to issues etc etc. I remember being in a women's meeting a while back where a black woman expressed her point of view and suddenly there were all these cries of objection from black women, with one woman jumping up from her seat, and with a stern lecturing voice and even sterner face, tell her how she 'ought not to have 'thought that way' (as a black woman)'. You see as black women, we 'ought not' certain things. We ought not to think certain ways, we ought not to say certain things, we ought not to reach certain conclussions, ought not to take a certain line of action' etc etc etc. This is one key reason why a lot of 'black women's meetings' are unproductive and we black women, havent found a way out of the pit we are in as a group, even though thousands meet regularly all round the country. It is because when we come together we are still operating under notions of what we 'ought to' or 'ought not to' be doing, saying even feeling as black women, so our brain is not free to revolve 360 degrees in search of solutions. At the end of the day, there is only so much we can achieve in such a restricted frame of mind!
Black women are constantly in a straitjacket in terms of what they ought to and ought not do and it has become so instinctive in many that when they hear something spoken outside these accepted terms, they will immediately jump up to push the errant female back in line even if this woman was simply speaking from her pure observations of issues and what her senses were telling her about a situation, yet this is totally unacceptable if it clashes with what she 'ought to be saying'.
Let me tell you black women if you dont know this, there is a reason why the creator gave us five senses. It's that we can respond to what they are telling us about the environment and plot a favourable cause of action! If you dont respond to hot and cold appropraitely by putting on more or less clothing for instance, you could die. If you refuse to heed the blaring horns of a truck, you will get run over! You cannot afford to make a practice of discounting your sense-fed internal intelligence.
If you engage in switching off your senses so as to be more in line with what you 'ought to' be feeling, saying or doing, then you are already in trouble because it will be hard to unlearn this activity and your life will be all about fufilling the 'ought to' requirements rather than what your senses say is needed in the situation. At the extreme end of this, you will reprogram your sense till you are unaware of how you really feel and see things. No wonder we cant get many black women to plot a straight course from 'their needs' to 'the solution'. With all the manipulation going on with black women in their community, with people doing all they can to separate black women from their real needs(even the most basic and practical ones like self preservation), many black women are going to have to be re-taught how to reconnect with their needs as communicated by their senses.
Try this excercise, whenever you feel the 'ought to' response arise within you due to any situation, stop and think about the 'intelligence from your senses'. Think, 'But what do my eyes see?,' or 'What is the conclussion from what my eyes and ears are telling me?' Get to know your real 'sense feelings and responses', even if you choose to overide these.
Get the full story, get the IR Dating E-Book
Wednesday, November 05, 2008
Congratulations to the New Born America!
America has been reborn.
The whole idea of electing the son of a Kenyan, black and with a name like Hussein and Obama as President of the United State, means more than folks can even begin to understand and we on the ouside of it all, have been watching keenly, hoping and praying that America will show itself of the supreme moral fibre to do something which no other western country (despite their claims of open mindedness and fairness and all that stuff), has.
The symbolism is awesome,
The symbolism is awesome
This is a time when we can role back the evils of the past symbolically. Remember I say symbolically. But symbolically is enough for those who have positioned themselves to advance. Those who want to ride some gravy trains will be in trouble.
I have republican readers and I want to say that Mccain was admirable. His concession speech had me tearing up with how eloquent and succint it was. It just wasnt I believe, the season for republicans (the fundamentals just didnt favour it). However as sure as seasons change, Republicans time will come round. My prayer is that we will see the birth of a new republican party that does not major on fear and division and stiring up the coarser instincts in us all. Mccain was and still is a worthy opponent (not too sure about all that stuff with Palin though).
Black women savor this moment.
I just want to say to bw, its time to position yourself for the opportunity change brings.
I will be speaking to you about strategies for positioning yourself for victory. Yes the image strongholds are being destroyed, entrenched ideas that people refused to give up are being rent apart, what replaces it is what you black women of today will decide. Dont waste this opportunity to steer towards the right future and secure it for your daughters and grand daughters!
There is a new army of bw emerging.
Now when I think of it, my blogging, the springing up of women empowernment blogs and messages all around, even the 'turning' of the content of magazines and media to black female prioritising ones, all seems very timely. Who could have known that when we all started out that it was all building up to this point where a 'new-minded' set of black women would be able to position themselves and take advantage of the season of opportunity.
Now let me say this, I see Obama's victory not in terms ushering in anything but a symbolic release for the black person. There will be no handouts, in fact I think handouts will be cut to black folks. But the thing to grasp here is that, symbolic strongholds have and are being destroyed for black women. The stronghold of the image of bw as luckless, unloved, irresponsible, destroyer of civilisations destructions is being dealth a serious blow with the presence of Michelle and her two little ones. When folks try to pigeon hole black women the way they always do, into these category, the idea and oresence of Michelle will wobble that picture. Even the idea of bw not the consort of any powerful man is being destroyed right before our eyes. Now take a moment to think, 'How will I position myself to reap from this fertile period?'
The whole idea of electing the son of a Kenyan, black and with a name like Hussein and Obama as President of the United State, means more than folks can even begin to understand and we on the ouside of it all, have been watching keenly, hoping and praying that America will show itself of the supreme moral fibre to do something which no other western country (despite their claims of open mindedness and fairness and all that stuff), has.
The symbolism is awesome,
The symbolism is awesome
This is a time when we can role back the evils of the past symbolically. Remember I say symbolically. But symbolically is enough for those who have positioned themselves to advance. Those who want to ride some gravy trains will be in trouble.
I have republican readers and I want to say that Mccain was admirable. His concession speech had me tearing up with how eloquent and succint it was. It just wasnt I believe, the season for republicans (the fundamentals just didnt favour it). However as sure as seasons change, Republicans time will come round. My prayer is that we will see the birth of a new republican party that does not major on fear and division and stiring up the coarser instincts in us all. Mccain was and still is a worthy opponent (not too sure about all that stuff with Palin though).
Black women savor this moment.
I just want to say to bw, its time to position yourself for the opportunity change brings.
I will be speaking to you about strategies for positioning yourself for victory. Yes the image strongholds are being destroyed, entrenched ideas that people refused to give up are being rent apart, what replaces it is what you black women of today will decide. Dont waste this opportunity to steer towards the right future and secure it for your daughters and grand daughters!
There is a new army of bw emerging.
Now when I think of it, my blogging, the springing up of women empowernment blogs and messages all around, even the 'turning' of the content of magazines and media to black female prioritising ones, all seems very timely. Who could have known that when we all started out that it was all building up to this point where a 'new-minded' set of black women would be able to position themselves and take advantage of the season of opportunity.
Now let me say this, I see Obama's victory not in terms ushering in anything but a symbolic release for the black person. There will be no handouts, in fact I think handouts will be cut to black folks. But the thing to grasp here is that, symbolic strongholds have and are being destroyed for black women. The stronghold of the image of bw as luckless, unloved, irresponsible, destroyer of civilisations destructions is being dealth a serious blow with the presence of Michelle and her two little ones. When folks try to pigeon hole black women the way they always do, into these category, the idea and oresence of Michelle will wobble that picture. Even the idea of bw not the consort of any powerful man is being destroyed right before our eyes. Now take a moment to think, 'How will I position myself to reap from this fertile period?'
Saturday, October 11, 2008
The Obama Lessons
Lets just say that I have been following the Presidential Race with close interest. As a person of color I have been 'peturbed' at the constant attempt to position Barack Obama as the 'other' due to his Moslem name as well as his Step Father's Moslem religion but more than that, I have seen a calculated attempt to play into white Americas basest instincts around race with Moslem often serving as proxy for black. But I have also seen how '2 can play at this game'.
For sure, many black folks think they dont have any cards to play in such a situation, that essentially race is 'game over'! I think Obama has highlighted that it is not as clear cut as that.
I read somewhere that one of the key people on Obama's campaign team, 'specialises' in electing black officials to public office. How true this is, is for others to decide, but one thing i am sure of is that black women can learn a few lessons on how to win amidst having all the cards heavily stacked against them (as many are so throughly convinced). As black women many of us do feel we have drawn all the bad cards (this is despite protestations of how wonderful we feel and how we love ourselves like nothing else!). Many of us display our true feelings by eliminating ourselves from the runnings, because we do our calculations on the face of things. Yet I watched as Obama, despite knowing how race is such a sticking point in American, still 'roll the dice' because in the game of life, you can never predict how matters will play out.
This is the first lesson.
Do not do yourself out of a chance no matter how ridiculously low you might rate your chances. I will admit that when Obama announced he would be running for the democratic ticket, I just turned the channel. It is a commentary against myself that I not only didnt give him a chance (as many white seemed willing to for whatever reason), I started to have the 'here we go again, another half backed black person trying to make a name' thoughts.
In truth, those you deem as folks with the best advantage can end up by the wayside. For one, they can end up cancelling each other out. Lets face it, we are left with an Obama Biden ticket largely in part because a few strong contenders got cancelled out at some point in the race, and left Obama and Biden 'last men standing'. Increasingly in America, we are seeing race become just one of a number of things that can count against you (alongside gender, being a smoker, eating meat, and a whole heap of endless reasons)not the only probable thing!
In the area of relationships and taking up their wider options, I often see black women give up the center stage for those they feel will get the man because they are better credentialled. Many refuse to compete in the free relationship market for instance, and I hear them talk about how Asian women are the interracial woman of choice and if a white man is 'open' he most definitely is not looking at black women. Yes, even on public forums I see black women demolish themselves, reciting for everyone, all the reasons they feel they wont be looked on favourably (in other words putting in men's minds ideas about black woman's unattractiveness), sometimes coming up with new ones that no one has ever thought about. But winning often times means just showing up, being you, working in your unique gifts and strengths and that which you often underate, is essentially what is desired and required. I have written blog posts in the past about attraction to opposites and how many white men are not necessarily stuck on the BEBH standard but the self-doubt lingers I am afraid.
Does race hinder? I can assure you it does but Obama's race has both hindered and enabled him. Many white liberals are clinging to him as a symbol of change, of a new America, of resolving the past and indeed, what better symbol of all that than a mixed race black man (one of the people excluded from mainstream) becoming president of the united states. You could ask for no better symbol of America turning over a new leaf than that!
Obama has actually played a whole lot of racist folks at their own game. You see the thing about racism (the liberal one at least), is that it requires 'oxygen' for sustainance meaning it needs stereotypes. Obama has worked at starving the latent racists of the stereotypes they need to activate their racism, so the aggressive black man or any reaction that could feed this view has been thoroughly expunged. Obama has bent over backwards to play the generous, gentleman even at points it made him look a little like a dormat.
Second lesson. Always keep your eye on the goal. The goal will determine how you play the game. Once you get yourself off this focus, you are in deep trouble. This is because you will react to everything and everyone instead of choosing your battles carefully and strategically to move you towards your goal, responding or not responding as your goal dictates, just like Obama has done with his 'no comments' remarks recently. Obama I feel has been well instructed in this regard; small victories rather than opponent crushing, generosity and gentlemanliness as opposed to justified retaliation, these have enabled him to avoid scaring white folk away from voting for him because he is an 'angry black man'. Sooner or later, life will require that you play a chess game, that you not show your hand so freely, or 'loose your rag' even if you would be justified to do so.
I know many black women feel they have a right to 'throw down' and 'throw out punches' when provoked. Sadly this derails many from achieveing their goals and dreams, with many folks toying with them since their psychology in this regard is known all too well.
Study your situation, understand how you are positioned in the general mind, not so you can be discouraged but so you can laugh because you are aware of what is arrayed against you and how you can effectively nuetralise these. When you know other peoples mindsets, you are always one step ahead. I often have reason to say that black women have a critical lack of insight into their social positioning and a grasp of the general perspectives out there on black womanhood, and I means both within black circles as well as wider. That's why anyone can play black women like a banjo, anyone can come along and spin us a long yarn and we fall for it so easily. Folks have no problem mobilising us against our very own interests and we are always the last to know how we are being played. We are betrayed by what I feel is a general refusal on black women's part to come to grips with the social reality of black women so we can play to win! We would rather believe that certain folks love and support us, even in the midst of getting some serious 'kicking' by same people.
Yes, I have seen people turn black women into the attack dogs who get the blame and the bad name while they get the results. At a meeting recently I watched a black woman, 'throw down'. The woman ended up with her image dented by taking on a 'brothas' cause, yet the brother in question knew at what point he needed to back down, to avoid looking bitter and angry. She didnt and went all out obviously to 'support' a brotha as a good black woman should, with the result that she ended up 'the one to avoid'. Damaging our reputation and our chances for romance, by declaring loudly and publicly (and in ways that puts down other men) how sold out we are for 'the brotha's' when even the brotha themselves are employing diplomacy and deciding against such 'bridge burning', is one clear example of how black women are so painfully oblivious to their situation in society and they continue to pay a price they can hardly afford!
Who will win the presidential race? I have no idea but there are lessons being taught, and wise women are taking note!
Get clued up about interracial dating in the IR Dating E-Book
Send your questions to relationshipadvice@dateawhiteguybook.com (I will try my best to give a reply/answer)
Free E-book on 'The New Way to Date', from Author Ian Coburn. Download from http://www.godisawoman.net/Articles/The%20New%20Way%20to%20Date%20ebook%20-%205%20Steps%20to%20Great%20Dating.pdf
For sure, many black folks think they dont have any cards to play in such a situation, that essentially race is 'game over'! I think Obama has highlighted that it is not as clear cut as that.
I read somewhere that one of the key people on Obama's campaign team, 'specialises' in electing black officials to public office. How true this is, is for others to decide, but one thing i am sure of is that black women can learn a few lessons on how to win amidst having all the cards heavily stacked against them (as many are so throughly convinced). As black women many of us do feel we have drawn all the bad cards (this is despite protestations of how wonderful we feel and how we love ourselves like nothing else!). Many of us display our true feelings by eliminating ourselves from the runnings, because we do our calculations on the face of things. Yet I watched as Obama, despite knowing how race is such a sticking point in American, still 'roll the dice' because in the game of life, you can never predict how matters will play out.
This is the first lesson.
Do not do yourself out of a chance no matter how ridiculously low you might rate your chances. I will admit that when Obama announced he would be running for the democratic ticket, I just turned the channel. It is a commentary against myself that I not only didnt give him a chance (as many white seemed willing to for whatever reason), I started to have the 'here we go again, another half backed black person trying to make a name' thoughts.
In truth, those you deem as folks with the best advantage can end up by the wayside. For one, they can end up cancelling each other out. Lets face it, we are left with an Obama Biden ticket largely in part because a few strong contenders got cancelled out at some point in the race, and left Obama and Biden 'last men standing'. Increasingly in America, we are seeing race become just one of a number of things that can count against you (alongside gender, being a smoker, eating meat, and a whole heap of endless reasons)not the only probable thing!
In the area of relationships and taking up their wider options, I often see black women give up the center stage for those they feel will get the man because they are better credentialled. Many refuse to compete in the free relationship market for instance, and I hear them talk about how Asian women are the interracial woman of choice and if a white man is 'open' he most definitely is not looking at black women. Yes, even on public forums I see black women demolish themselves, reciting for everyone, all the reasons they feel they wont be looked on favourably (in other words putting in men's minds ideas about black woman's unattractiveness), sometimes coming up with new ones that no one has ever thought about. But winning often times means just showing up, being you, working in your unique gifts and strengths and that which you often underate, is essentially what is desired and required. I have written blog posts in the past about attraction to opposites and how many white men are not necessarily stuck on the BEBH standard but the self-doubt lingers I am afraid.
Does race hinder? I can assure you it does but Obama's race has both hindered and enabled him. Many white liberals are clinging to him as a symbol of change, of a new America, of resolving the past and indeed, what better symbol of all that than a mixed race black man (one of the people excluded from mainstream) becoming president of the united states. You could ask for no better symbol of America turning over a new leaf than that!
Obama has actually played a whole lot of racist folks at their own game. You see the thing about racism (the liberal one at least), is that it requires 'oxygen' for sustainance meaning it needs stereotypes. Obama has worked at starving the latent racists of the stereotypes they need to activate their racism, so the aggressive black man or any reaction that could feed this view has been thoroughly expunged. Obama has bent over backwards to play the generous, gentleman even at points it made him look a little like a dormat.
Second lesson. Always keep your eye on the goal. The goal will determine how you play the game. Once you get yourself off this focus, you are in deep trouble. This is because you will react to everything and everyone instead of choosing your battles carefully and strategically to move you towards your goal, responding or not responding as your goal dictates, just like Obama has done with his 'no comments' remarks recently. Obama I feel has been well instructed in this regard; small victories rather than opponent crushing, generosity and gentlemanliness as opposed to justified retaliation, these have enabled him to avoid scaring white folk away from voting for him because he is an 'angry black man'. Sooner or later, life will require that you play a chess game, that you not show your hand so freely, or 'loose your rag' even if you would be justified to do so.
I know many black women feel they have a right to 'throw down' and 'throw out punches' when provoked. Sadly this derails many from achieveing their goals and dreams, with many folks toying with them since their psychology in this regard is known all too well.
Study your situation, understand how you are positioned in the general mind, not so you can be discouraged but so you can laugh because you are aware of what is arrayed against you and how you can effectively nuetralise these. When you know other peoples mindsets, you are always one step ahead. I often have reason to say that black women have a critical lack of insight into their social positioning and a grasp of the general perspectives out there on black womanhood, and I means both within black circles as well as wider. That's why anyone can play black women like a banjo, anyone can come along and spin us a long yarn and we fall for it so easily. Folks have no problem mobilising us against our very own interests and we are always the last to know how we are being played. We are betrayed by what I feel is a general refusal on black women's part to come to grips with the social reality of black women so we can play to win! We would rather believe that certain folks love and support us, even in the midst of getting some serious 'kicking' by same people.
Yes, I have seen people turn black women into the attack dogs who get the blame and the bad name while they get the results. At a meeting recently I watched a black woman, 'throw down'. The woman ended up with her image dented by taking on a 'brothas' cause, yet the brother in question knew at what point he needed to back down, to avoid looking bitter and angry. She didnt and went all out obviously to 'support' a brotha as a good black woman should, with the result that she ended up 'the one to avoid'. Damaging our reputation and our chances for romance, by declaring loudly and publicly (and in ways that puts down other men) how sold out we are for 'the brotha's' when even the brotha themselves are employing diplomacy and deciding against such 'bridge burning', is one clear example of how black women are so painfully oblivious to their situation in society and they continue to pay a price they can hardly afford!
Who will win the presidential race? I have no idea but there are lessons being taught, and wise women are taking note!
Get clued up about interracial dating in the IR Dating E-Book
Send your questions to relationshipadvice@dateawhiteguybook.com (I will try my best to give a reply/answer)
Free E-book on 'The New Way to Date', from Author Ian Coburn. Download from http://www.godisawoman.net/Articles/The%20New%20Way%20to%20Date%20ebook%20-%205%20Steps%20to%20Great%20Dating.pdf
Sunday, September 14, 2008
IR Singles Group/Webzine: We are growing in NASHVILLE!
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Get clued up about interracial dating in the IR Dating E-Book
Send your questions to relationshipadvice@dateawhiteguybook.com (I will try my best to give a reply/answer)
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Get clued up about interracial dating in the IR Dating E-Book
Send your questions to relationshipadvice@dateawhiteguybook.com (I will try my best to give a reply/answer)
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Why are Black Women in 'Wait' Mode
I am sure we all understand what it means to be in a mode. If you have some of the older sound systems like I do you know you need to shift a button to different modes to enable the CD, Radio or Cassete. One can be in a mode to sleep, to eat, to excercise etc. Black women are apparently in waiting mode. They are waiting to see if they can 'work this out', 'turn this thing around' with black men. Many are waiting to see 'if we might not need to change the modus operandi' in terms of dating.
Sometimes people question the way in which I do the work of 'enabling' black women to take up their full options for relationships. Some ask, why cant you just say, "Love should know no color", or some same comment. My response is that such notions have little or no meaning to black women. If it did, anything from up to a quatre of black women, would be with other men by now because in the black female situation, it is not only comonsense, it is expedient that love should have no color! Having weighed the situation, I know that I have to put up 'an effective argument' for interracial dating for black women. And you cant have an effective message unless you understand black women, where they are coming from, their social and political realities etc. Its no good speaking to them in terms that have no meaning, one might as well not say anything.
Lets face it 70% singleness of black women, is quite a high number. In fact it is abnormally high. No one waits until they are 70% in a problem to make some adjustment or some other arrangements, unless their response systems have failed are overridden or something else is going on. Usually people start to feel uneasy when a situation turns 35-40 percent. The fact that black women have not reacted effectively to their situation speaks to a number of things.
Say for instance you were in a ditch, and it started to rain and fill with water. I am sure that by the time the water was at your ankles, it would be obvious that you would need to get out. Your brain would work fast, it would tally the situation with a possible outcome and your body would respond to self-preserve. Indeed by the time the water was at your calves I am sure you would have already started keen efforts to get out. To stay in place till the water is almost at your neck points to the fact that, maybe you are trapped and a rope has caught of your feet and you cant pull free. Its either that or someone has come upon the situation, and told you that they have sent or are going for help, and that you should stay put or that the rain would stop in a few minutes and they would get you out, or the water would seep into the ground or some such other story. At this point we can also be talking about 'mind games' being played.
When you realise that the above scenerio can be an analogy of black womens situation yet they black women havent really made any moves to speak of, then you understand that what needs to be done is not mere generic talking about 'love sees no color', but really this is about untangling black women (psychologically and otherwise) from whatever is keeping her complacent in an urgent situation. Thus my key objective, (having recognised that this is no ordinary but a very complex issue), has always been to untangle black women from the memes and notions within her community that keeps her staying put while the percentage climbs 60., 70, 80... This is what it means to be effective.
There are memes and ideas within the black community that are encouraging black women to stay in wait mode. Challenging these ideas (and they are a plethora), means challenging such notions as 'dating and marrying black is the proof of a black womans race committment, 'by sticking to black I am doing my bit for my race' 'there are enough black men out there for every black woman', 'black men are brothers and will always act in a brotherly and safe manner towards black women, other men wont.' Some times its about pointing to the logical outcomes of certain perspectives, other times its about unpacking complex memes which on the surface appear simple and straight forward.
So the question that often comes to me, 'why do we need to talk about black men', is answered by 'because it is the meme/s that the community has crafted around black men that keeps out other options, therefore we have to challenge these.' So it is not so much black men being talked about, but the ideas and values woven around dating black men that are being scrutinized.
I also cause black women to pause and take a look/stock of their sitaution (in ways that they are often discouraged from doing) where all the nessecary clues that could tell them how they should now react are evident. Lets face it, black women dont wake up one day, decide they want to get married and find no men, rather years of 'datelessness', male rejection and ridicule (a common experience with black women), would have taught black women what to do, how to adjust if they only took note of their personal experinces.
70% singleness rate for black women is very shocking, yet black women wait. It is very evident that they need the skillful presentation of the issue from Black Female Guardians who have their interest and their interest alone in mind.
Get clued up about interracial dating in the IR Dating E-Book
Send your questions to relationshipadvice@dateawhiteguybook.com (I will try my best to give a reply/answer)
Sometimes people question the way in which I do the work of 'enabling' black women to take up their full options for relationships. Some ask, why cant you just say, "Love should know no color", or some same comment. My response is that such notions have little or no meaning to black women. If it did, anything from up to a quatre of black women, would be with other men by now because in the black female situation, it is not only comonsense, it is expedient that love should have no color! Having weighed the situation, I know that I have to put up 'an effective argument' for interracial dating for black women. And you cant have an effective message unless you understand black women, where they are coming from, their social and political realities etc. Its no good speaking to them in terms that have no meaning, one might as well not say anything.
Lets face it 70% singleness of black women, is quite a high number. In fact it is abnormally high. No one waits until they are 70% in a problem to make some adjustment or some other arrangements, unless their response systems have failed are overridden or something else is going on. Usually people start to feel uneasy when a situation turns 35-40 percent. The fact that black women have not reacted effectively to their situation speaks to a number of things.
Say for instance you were in a ditch, and it started to rain and fill with water. I am sure that by the time the water was at your ankles, it would be obvious that you would need to get out. Your brain would work fast, it would tally the situation with a possible outcome and your body would respond to self-preserve. Indeed by the time the water was at your calves I am sure you would have already started keen efforts to get out. To stay in place till the water is almost at your neck points to the fact that, maybe you are trapped and a rope has caught of your feet and you cant pull free. Its either that or someone has come upon the situation, and told you that they have sent or are going for help, and that you should stay put or that the rain would stop in a few minutes and they would get you out, or the water would seep into the ground or some such other story. At this point we can also be talking about 'mind games' being played.
When you realise that the above scenerio can be an analogy of black womens situation yet they black women havent really made any moves to speak of, then you understand that what needs to be done is not mere generic talking about 'love sees no color', but really this is about untangling black women (psychologically and otherwise) from whatever is keeping her complacent in an urgent situation. Thus my key objective, (having recognised that this is no ordinary but a very complex issue), has always been to untangle black women from the memes and notions within her community that keeps her staying put while the percentage climbs 60., 70, 80... This is what it means to be effective.
There are memes and ideas within the black community that are encouraging black women to stay in wait mode. Challenging these ideas (and they are a plethora), means challenging such notions as 'dating and marrying black is the proof of a black womans race committment, 'by sticking to black I am doing my bit for my race' 'there are enough black men out there for every black woman', 'black men are brothers and will always act in a brotherly and safe manner towards black women, other men wont.' Some times its about pointing to the logical outcomes of certain perspectives, other times its about unpacking complex memes which on the surface appear simple and straight forward.
So the question that often comes to me, 'why do we need to talk about black men', is answered by 'because it is the meme/s that the community has crafted around black men that keeps out other options, therefore we have to challenge these.' So it is not so much black men being talked about, but the ideas and values woven around dating black men that are being scrutinized.
I also cause black women to pause and take a look/stock of their sitaution (in ways that they are often discouraged from doing) where all the nessecary clues that could tell them how they should now react are evident. Lets face it, black women dont wake up one day, decide they want to get married and find no men, rather years of 'datelessness', male rejection and ridicule (a common experience with black women), would have taught black women what to do, how to adjust if they only took note of their personal experinces.
70% singleness rate for black women is very shocking, yet black women wait. It is very evident that they need the skillful presentation of the issue from Black Female Guardians who have their interest and their interest alone in mind.
Get clued up about interracial dating in the IR Dating E-Book
Send your questions to relationshipadvice@dateawhiteguybook.com (I will try my best to give a reply/answer)
Friday, July 11, 2008
Interracial Dating 101: Begining of your strategy
Why do black women end up with the ‘black man only’ precept for dating?
Black social programming is mostly responsible for this mind frame.
It’s not just what is said to black women from an early age, there is also the whole culture and interpretations that prepares black women to focus on black men exclusively for relationships, and apart from structural obstacles like segregation, a combination of fear, duty, fostered outrage at white men, lack of familiarity, notions of acceptable behaviour, will secure black women to the idea of dating only black.
Sometimes you will find black women being taught the ‘black men only’ ideology (because it is a full ideology) outside the family. Black women lured into this attitude might feel they are doing their bit for the race, they are showing themselves strong and proud black women because these interpretations have been place upon black-black dating and black women often dont question these set definitions seen as sacred.
Often times black women themselves manufacture terms and ideas (many which black men show very little interest in) which end up imprisoning them and their choices. For instance the concept and ideology of black love is largely maintained by black women irrespective of black men’s willingness and participation.
What do you mean by black women being ‘self advocates’ to achieve their relationship?
I used this term in my last entry. The term advocacy is clearly from the word advocate which means to speak up on behalf of another. In the Roman Empire, hundreds of years ago, a man standing accused before the emperor could lift up his eyes to the gallery and recognising a notable statesman, orator, well positioned or influential person could say ‘friend could you come and speak on my behalf’. The man would then come and stand with the accused and argue his case. The actions of this advocate could make the difference between life and death. Self advocacy in the respect I use it here, means looking out for yourself, legislating on your own behalf, looking after your needs even in the face of the lack of consideration from other quarters because if you are a black woman, the chances are that no one but yourself will be really concerned about you ending up alone.
This is why I believe it is so very important for black women to be self-advocates; vigorously looking after their own interests and needs, because unfortunately black women as a whole, are in a state of friendlessness. Our position in society is one in which no one rallies round us to defend and ensure that our interests are secured (rather everyone wants to harness black women as a resource employed in the furtherance of their own goals and black women get nothing out of the arrangement).
The trouble is that often times the general lack of respect and consideration from other quarters can corrupt ones ability to be considerate to oneself. This is a big problem at the moment with black women, who seem to have lost a lot of the ability to treat themselves fairly and with consideration and mimick the ways the society treats them. Notice however that same black women are quick to grant consideration and concession to non-black women.
Why don’t Black women advocate for their fellow women?
It is one of the things that grieves me dearly, that our young girls in particular cannot find keepers in their older sisters. Their older sisters have grown up being told by the reactions and rebuffs they received whenever they tried to highlight their concerns, that their needs are trivial, of less urgency or have no place in the grand scheme of things and that they should shut up and put their efforts towards other issues (read: black men’s issues) . After repeatedly being told that their needs mean nothing, I do believe that a good portion of black women have become self-spiting. This is very evident in the way black women respond to their own fellow black women’s cry for help and assistance; harsh, uncaring, unfeeling. A reflection of how they feel towards their own needs.
I must add also that in terms of relationship and broadening the dating scope, some black women prefer not to share their understanding with other black women who are struggling. Many claim it should be an individual decision but this reluctance to enable their sisters share the solution they have discovered might be because deep down, these black women are still of the feeling that the interracial choice on a whole is still a wrong/anti-black one, thus are not happy to spread their beliefs.
Why do black women easily forsake their own concerns and self care?
One key reason is that they have been prepared to respond this way by their community. It’s a learnt behaviour. We grow up seeing our mums, aunts and older sisters forget their personal needs and concerns in the pursuit of what we have been told are ‘more pressing issues’, that sometimes black women can know no other ways to be but self-sacrificing. They have also been indoctrinated into thinking that doing this is very honorable, and the actions of a good and true black woman. There is thus the emotional reward (we feel internally) that secures us into a life of self-sacrifice.
The community has been very effective in breaking down what should be an instinctive reflex for self-care in black women by selling self-abnegation as a noble and transcending act. I believe without this effective 'black training' black women would long since have abandoned the unrewarded activities they rush into in, in the name of the community.
People can easily exploit the fact that black women lacking in validation and approval can often displace fundamental needs and interests in favour of emotional rewards from a pat on the back.
What is the first step for ‘self advocacy’ in the area relationship?
I can’t overemphasis the fact that you do need to be able to observe your situation as it stands and then make accurate judgement on what you see. This is an area where I am afraid black women are trained to look and not see, or to discount their observations or never to join the dots to produce an effective picture of their reality which is essential to guiding subsequent decisions on dating. We are trained not to do all this so as to maintain our rosy outlook towards the black community in the face of the ugly real picture. By not joining the dots on marriage resistance among black men, colorism etc we are able to maintain ‘faith' in the outcomes we are instructed to hold for the black community even when all the indicators are spelling out something different. Put in others words, black women would have long since abandoned the idea of ‘building only with black men’, if they really took note of the reality playing before their very eyes and from this, did some important calculations and deductions about black men's position on the idea of 'building a black nation through black marriages'.
By not ‘joining the dots’ or being disallowed by the injunctions within their community to ‘join the dots’, black women dont pick up the reality of their situation indeed that which stares them in the face, that black men are not (and have not for decades) showing any interest in building a black nation hand in hand with black women (perhaps but with the lightest of them all and others). Without this realisation black women are prevented from making broader arrangements for having relationships.
Like I have said, black women are carefully taught to discount what they see and so not deviate from the ‘hopeful theories’ they are instructed to have of the black community. And this is why you find black women who are PHD’s, scientists and those who know how to observe and make judgments that lives depend on, still faltering in this area of their life. Indeed women who manage millions of dollars marketing departments and who know how to spot a trend still have such problems decoding their individual situations. Its clear that this is because the essential parameters for making sense of the black dating situation have been 'yanked' from them!
Get the full discussion in the IR Dating E-Book
Send your questions to relationshipadvice@dateawhiteguybook.com (I will try my best to give a reply/answer)
Black social programming is mostly responsible for this mind frame.
It’s not just what is said to black women from an early age, there is also the whole culture and interpretations that prepares black women to focus on black men exclusively for relationships, and apart from structural obstacles like segregation, a combination of fear, duty, fostered outrage at white men, lack of familiarity, notions of acceptable behaviour, will secure black women to the idea of dating only black.
Sometimes you will find black women being taught the ‘black men only’ ideology (because it is a full ideology) outside the family. Black women lured into this attitude might feel they are doing their bit for the race, they are showing themselves strong and proud black women because these interpretations have been place upon black-black dating and black women often dont question these set definitions seen as sacred.
Often times black women themselves manufacture terms and ideas (many which black men show very little interest in) which end up imprisoning them and their choices. For instance the concept and ideology of black love is largely maintained by black women irrespective of black men’s willingness and participation.
What do you mean by black women being ‘self advocates’ to achieve their relationship?
I used this term in my last entry. The term advocacy is clearly from the word advocate which means to speak up on behalf of another. In the Roman Empire, hundreds of years ago, a man standing accused before the emperor could lift up his eyes to the gallery and recognising a notable statesman, orator, well positioned or influential person could say ‘friend could you come and speak on my behalf’. The man would then come and stand with the accused and argue his case. The actions of this advocate could make the difference between life and death. Self advocacy in the respect I use it here, means looking out for yourself, legislating on your own behalf, looking after your needs even in the face of the lack of consideration from other quarters because if you are a black woman, the chances are that no one but yourself will be really concerned about you ending up alone.
This is why I believe it is so very important for black women to be self-advocates; vigorously looking after their own interests and needs, because unfortunately black women as a whole, are in a state of friendlessness. Our position in society is one in which no one rallies round us to defend and ensure that our interests are secured (rather everyone wants to harness black women as a resource employed in the furtherance of their own goals and black women get nothing out of the arrangement).
The trouble is that often times the general lack of respect and consideration from other quarters can corrupt ones ability to be considerate to oneself. This is a big problem at the moment with black women, who seem to have lost a lot of the ability to treat themselves fairly and with consideration and mimick the ways the society treats them. Notice however that same black women are quick to grant consideration and concession to non-black women.
Why don’t Black women advocate for their fellow women?
It is one of the things that grieves me dearly, that our young girls in particular cannot find keepers in their older sisters. Their older sisters have grown up being told by the reactions and rebuffs they received whenever they tried to highlight their concerns, that their needs are trivial, of less urgency or have no place in the grand scheme of things and that they should shut up and put their efforts towards other issues (read: black men’s issues) . After repeatedly being told that their needs mean nothing, I do believe that a good portion of black women have become self-spiting. This is very evident in the way black women respond to their own fellow black women’s cry for help and assistance; harsh, uncaring, unfeeling. A reflection of how they feel towards their own needs.
I must add also that in terms of relationship and broadening the dating scope, some black women prefer not to share their understanding with other black women who are struggling. Many claim it should be an individual decision but this reluctance to enable their sisters share the solution they have discovered might be because deep down, these black women are still of the feeling that the interracial choice on a whole is still a wrong/anti-black one, thus are not happy to spread their beliefs.
Why do black women easily forsake their own concerns and self care?
One key reason is that they have been prepared to respond this way by their community. It’s a learnt behaviour. We grow up seeing our mums, aunts and older sisters forget their personal needs and concerns in the pursuit of what we have been told are ‘more pressing issues’, that sometimes black women can know no other ways to be but self-sacrificing. They have also been indoctrinated into thinking that doing this is very honorable, and the actions of a good and true black woman. There is thus the emotional reward (we feel internally) that secures us into a life of self-sacrifice.
The community has been very effective in breaking down what should be an instinctive reflex for self-care in black women by selling self-abnegation as a noble and transcending act. I believe without this effective 'black training' black women would long since have abandoned the unrewarded activities they rush into in, in the name of the community.
People can easily exploit the fact that black women lacking in validation and approval can often displace fundamental needs and interests in favour of emotional rewards from a pat on the back.
What is the first step for ‘self advocacy’ in the area relationship?
I can’t overemphasis the fact that you do need to be able to observe your situation as it stands and then make accurate judgement on what you see. This is an area where I am afraid black women are trained to look and not see, or to discount their observations or never to join the dots to produce an effective picture of their reality which is essential to guiding subsequent decisions on dating. We are trained not to do all this so as to maintain our rosy outlook towards the black community in the face of the ugly real picture. By not joining the dots on marriage resistance among black men, colorism etc we are able to maintain ‘faith' in the outcomes we are instructed to hold for the black community even when all the indicators are spelling out something different. Put in others words, black women would have long since abandoned the idea of ‘building only with black men’, if they really took note of the reality playing before their very eyes and from this, did some important calculations and deductions about black men's position on the idea of 'building a black nation through black marriages'.
By not ‘joining the dots’ or being disallowed by the injunctions within their community to ‘join the dots’, black women dont pick up the reality of their situation indeed that which stares them in the face, that black men are not (and have not for decades) showing any interest in building a black nation hand in hand with black women (perhaps but with the lightest of them all and others). Without this realisation black women are prevented from making broader arrangements for having relationships.
Like I have said, black women are carefully taught to discount what they see and so not deviate from the ‘hopeful theories’ they are instructed to have of the black community. And this is why you find black women who are PHD’s, scientists and those who know how to observe and make judgments that lives depend on, still faltering in this area of their life. Indeed women who manage millions of dollars marketing departments and who know how to spot a trend still have such problems decoding their individual situations. Its clear that this is because the essential parameters for making sense of the black dating situation have been 'yanked' from them!
Get the full discussion in the IR Dating E-Book
Send your questions to relationshipadvice@dateawhiteguybook.com (I will try my best to give a reply/answer)
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