Round Up for the Year 2009!

Happy New Year!

As we say Goodbye to 2009 and welcome a new year and a new decade starting  midnight tonight, here is a summary of some of the many discussions we have had on Black Women's Interracial Relationship Circle in 2009. I have highlighted some of the learning I tried to communicate through the posts. Fell free to recap and hopefully project yourself into a better year ahead!

What will you make a reality for yourself this new year and this new Decade?


Blog Post Summary

Know who labors against you
Any army that doesn’t know who its enemy is, is about to get wiped out. It is high time black women recognise who their enemies are, by examining from where the 'offensive' against them is coming. By their fruits (not their color), you shall know them.

The position of black me re black community is not hard to decipher despite pretense that we need expert to advice us
Consider this: If black nationhood was a priority for black men, do you think 70% of black children would be born outside wedlock with the attendant poverty, and lack of safety these children are more likely to experience? I can assure you that men who know the central position black children have in the future of their race do everything in their power to be with their kid. By their fruits (not propaganda), you shall know them.


Now there is a thing called 'entry level requirement' for any endevour; for instance in order to study Engineering you must at least know basic math, that is the entry level requirement for studying Engineering.

Now how possible is it to have a strong black community without strong black families. The basic or entry level requirement for black men who are really linked into the black nation building agenda would be a keen interest in marrying and setting up home with black women. Yet black men are not even coming in at that 'entry level'!

Self-Hate? Does it look like black men hate themselves?
What we rush to label 'self hate' in black men is actually ‘black female hate‘. And when black women 'mis-define' issues (as they are often encouraged to do), they end up with the wrong solutions. I have said this before and say it again, that unless black women accurately identify and pin down what ails them and their issues they will never be able to marshal an effective defence against the attacks that are raining down from every angle.

Why all interracial choices are not the same
IR bloggers, do not lump the choice to date interracially all in one box. We regard black male interracial dating as distinctly different in character from black female interracial dating, and recognise that black male interracial dating has historically born the hallmarks of being founded upon a rejection of and discrimination against black women.

The nature of black discourse: skirting the culpability of black men
In debates and discussions about what is ailing the black race, I have noticed what is clearly a strong aversion to pinpointing black males as to blame for any situation.

Bw will be talking about what happened to this or that black teen girl or bw, but when it comes time to mention WHO did the deed, they will switch to the passive voice or become non-specific. For ex., they'll say "these girls go out there and get themselves pregnant and just ruin their futures." LOL! This is as if these girls went to the store and got some semen and stuck it in themselves. -Evia

How a temporary protocol to help out became entrenched and standard Operating procedure
Speaking to black women still holding out for some race revival: The sentiment that best describes black woman's mind frame I believe is 'Lets do what we can in the meantime, as black men get warmed up/wake up to their responsibilities etc etc'.

So black women did what they thought could tide things over because of the hope and faith that black men would 'come online' soon (single parenhood, championing the races agenda in the absense of men). But no one put a time limit on this 'helping out the situation in the meantime' protocol. This means that what started out as a temporary measure has become an entrenched procedure.

Now that it has however become clear what the end result of this approach is, black women have to decided once and for all if ‘black nation building’ is a partnership project that needs to be carried out with equal efforts of black men and black women and efforts applied at the same time.


They then have to decide, if black men are really in the partnership with them.

How IR Bloggers frame their work I
We recognise that current frameworks and popular models for conceptualising social oppression and the general analysis on oppression, be it race or gender, even the current discussions on same, have never served or been crafted to serve the black female situation either by design or default.

Since these frameworks and tools used to offer an understanding of society do not serve black womens liberation needs, black women must make concerted efforts to construct and draw up an analysis for themselves and one that serves their situation and the purpose of their total empowernment. They must construct robust models that highlight comprehensively what the issues are for them and their social and situational realities and thus arrive at appropraite and effective solutions for the problems that they face.

Why black women remain confounded
One key reason why many black women are in utter confusion at this point; not knowing what to believe and what to do, is because they have made a practice of overriding internal honesty and an honest appriasal of the situation in their attempt to cover/protect b;ack men and be of service to them.

The fairminded black men is a scarce as hen's teeth
I must add here that I dont believe that black men can be fairminded in this respect. I believe that most are self serving, and out for themselves. I believe that they have been so spoilt and catered to within the black movement that now, the average black man continues to view issues in terms of all he can get out of it, and is unfit for considering anything beyond himself, particularly anything as far removed from his immediate gratification as that pesky thing denoted 'black uplift'.

Black women's relationship with each other I
Black women have ‘learnt’ how to be unsupportive of other black women over the years particularly in service of black men.

Black women's relationship with each other II
Lets face it, black women are complaining about mistreatment at the hands of black men. They talk about being victimized, and discriminated against, or of being the ‘target’ of black men’s anger etc. Thus for any black woman to want to hang onto her regard, unconditional love, support and faith in black men, outbursts and fall outs with other ’sistas’ is a given, as the presence of these women complaining about black men, will not allow them to keep up the pretence of saintly brotherhood any longer.

They are indeed turning the channel away from the preferred picture of black men and each day the evidence that they are not upstanding and saintly men other black women pin their dreams to, mounts. Thus the  tensions and frictions with the ones who are forcing a reassessment of this sacred perspective of the wonderful black male also mounts.

The cult of Hardship and Suffering to which 3/4 of black women are pledged
Deep down and without even processing it on a conscious level, black women who belong to the cult of the 'blues,' are saying, ‘That doesn’t sound like a black woman,’ ‘Where is the pain situation, where is the burden and the heavy load I have to labor under to really be a true black woman?’


This is a key reason why, when shown how they can move away from lack, some will find themselves going back to or gravitating towards websites and forums that dwell on our pain situation without a clear plan and encouragement towards real solutions (beyond hope and pray and 'if we love urselves more it will happen').

How IR Bloggers must frame their work
Black women MUST recognise a need for a black woman-centered analysis of oppression, which simply is one that which makes no concessions to any, but calls for equal and maximum penalties to be meted out to all and any who victimize black women. This serve as a deterrent to those who would attempt to hide behind the accepted discourse of 'white men are the source of all evil' to acquire leniency for acts of deliberate aggression against black women.

Why white men must feature centrally in discussions about the expanded relationship option for black women
White men are the largest group of men available to women in the western hemisphere therefore it is logical that they be the main focus of any attempts of black women to expand their traditional dating options (all this chat about 'why not talk about Asian men even Chinese men is just 'red herring' talk from people who continue to have issues with white men as a group afterall we are not living in China or India!).


White men also at present ‘recommend’ themselves in terms of a range of social indicators. Pointing out their positive scorings on these indicators is not worshipping it is simply noting the facts.


White men occupy a negative position in the overall black narrative, pointing out the positives of white men or pointing out that there are ‘created’ myths about white men in black narratives particularly aimed at keeping black women negative about them, is not worshipping, rather it is actually balancing out an unfair and negative picture that works more to the detriment of black women.

What are IR bloggers claiming about White men
None of the IR bloggers to my knowldge claim that there is a mainstream white male stampede for black women. Instead there is the realisation of an existence of a sub section of white men who can and do provide appropriate and satisfactory partnering prospects for black women and there are good odds and in some cases, even better odds of dating these than dating black men. We have also pointed out that some of the believed ideas about white men's taste, and habits and preferences are indeed ‘political stories’ used to put black women 'off' white men.


Black women loving their 'blues'
Black women, we do love jeremiads, and of course resist any message of hope or optimism, in fact many black women are resentful of those who want to pull the plug on pity parties.

I was once involved in a discussion where a group of black women staged a virtual walkout because others refused to accept that it was all so totally bleak and desolate for black women in the dating arena. They took great offence at what they said was ‘people trying to deny them their voice' even when these people were only sharing from their own real life experiences, experiences which did not reflect the ‘gloom and doom' these women insisted was the only legitimate reality of black women. They wanted to glory in being despised and recjected, it was too much to bear that they were not allowed to roll in the mud of their rejection and call attention to their pitiable plight among other women.

Why Black women doubt themselves
I want to point out that all this pessimism and disbelief has a lot to do with the fact that for years we have sacrificed our self-esteem and anything that could have improved our self-esteem, on the altar of service to black men. Along the way, black women embraced a self-denying service to their idol black men and the results are with us now.


We decided that an eroded self-esteem for black women would serve to shore up the masculinity of black men. We decided that we would sacrifice any suggestion of our wider appeal to other men, for the sake of inflating the black male ego, which we deemed as suffering under racism. Well guess what, we have been massively succesful, their egos are now grotesquely inflated and out of control. Now some of you cant say nothing to black men that they will 'hear'. Each day brings new demands for catering, coddling and more sacrifices and adoration.

Indeed, black women refused to allow themselves to acknowledge their ‘wider appeal’ for the sake of making black men less threatened and utterly sure of their superior masculinity (which held ‘their’ women utterly captive). We joined in spreading lies and fables about how black masculinity is superiority to that of all other men.

'Black Unity' is a failed concept
Harsh? Intolerable? For some maybe, but this is a simple, practical and realistic assessment of the situation.

Black unity will remain a failed concept because the critical ingredients to bring it to pass have not been obtained and they remain out of reach. Women running around trying to keep the idea alive and singlehandedly so, will not bring it about. All the fervent and heartfelt desire to see it happen will not do it.
 
At the most basic level of committment and interest that these men can be involved, which is caring for and resourcing their families, you cant even get them. This tells you everything you need to know.

Black Male Bashing is defined to prevent black women really coming to grips with what black men are up to
Apparently pointing out the activities of black men which negatively impact black women is the new definition of 'bashing'.
 
Black women are forced by general conversations around IR to persist in the belief that they want a black man
Yes it remains important for these folks that black women continue operating in the belief that they have to scramble for black men. You see, many if not most of these magazines are diametrically opposed to our real freedom as black women, so they suppress any information (or doctor them and take away their potency) that would cause eyes to open and cause black women to reach for all they can have. Indeed these folks that are loudly lamenting about how whites are denying them opportuntities and vital information are the same one, only too happy to set limits on the minds of their fellow black people. How they can live with the sheer hypocricy is shocking to me. Indeed some of you are talking about white folks hiding critical information from black people, well I tell you now, that they can be taught a thing or two by the master obscurants that are the black media!
 
Young Black Girls are ill prepared because their naivity and lack of knowledge is a tool to keep them 'in place'
Why are our young women still being sent off to schools and colleges naïve in the idea that black men will be theirs and embracing the idea that they must continue to reserve themselves for black boys/men and this is somehow a viable idea?

How is it that big sisters, aunts and mothers have decided to leave their daughters unprepared for something they themselves know and experienced. I question if they do indeed have good intentions towards our young black girls or are they so eager to see them hurt and demoralized as they were. Indeed, is this some necessary rite of passage for our girls.

We have and continue to do our young black girls a terrible wrong. Yes this does speak to the fact that the tradition of care and 'big sistershood' towards the next generation of black women has been eroded, if it isnt non existent altogether.
 
One would think that by now, this understanding of how black boys behave would have entered into and been incorporated into the general 'intelligence' passed to young girls to enable them negotiate school life and their youth effectively. Yet black women who have gone before them somehow see passing on this crucial bit of information unimportant. The question is, are older black women looking out for the younger ones? It doesnt appears so.
 
Required: Courage
I believe that the spirit required for black women now, is the spirit of courage.

Courage is required to admit hard things, heartbreaking things, things that quake the spirit and knock the knees. Courage to mourn and cry yet get on with the task at hand, the task of forging a new path and indeed starting over.

Do not let black women who are in a different 'place' to you determine your direction and priorities
I feel sorry for a host of black women who are taking notes from women under 25 on these critical issues as raised on these blogs. Now I have nothing against young black women giving advice, but a 24 year old black woman and a 34 year old black woman are in a different place, they are in different seasons requiring different priorities and with different opportuntities available to them. Do you know where you are on the time/priorities spectrum?

Give up your ill feelings and ill will towards white men and be free!
But not just that black women have a hatred of white men, they do not want this anger resolved. They are sworn to an eternal feud with white men. Even if this hatred is costing them greatly, they cling to it and wont give it up. In fact there is a part of their identity that is built on it and they believe that they would be lost without this 'centering' hatred of white men. Yep what is a black woman without this hate and anger at white men to ruminate on!

See everyone else have learnt or is learning to get along, even white men and black men. Visit London and you will see how many black men and white men go out to the pubs and are in deep freindships. Even criminal gangs are known to be integrated. I was shocked to open a paper one day with an article stating that gangs had learnt their way around the police by using their stereotypes against them ie white man in the getaway car etc.

Some statistics
While 42 percent of Black men were now married, just 31 percent of Black women were married when Census 2000 was taken. The LOWEST PROPORTION FOR WOMEN OF ANY RACE or origin groups. The 10 percentage-point difference in the percentage of Black men and Black women who were now married was the largest difference between men and women in any of the groups.

(source: http://www.census.gov/prod/2003pubs/c2kbr-30.pdf)

Black women and White men also received 'Thumbs up' for their ability to keep IR marriages beyond average!

OOW Children
Women of every group have offspring, that is what they do, it is a fact of life. However it is the men of the group that decide wether these women will be having these children within the confines of a marriage relationship or not. I repeat, women of child bearing age will have children one way or another. It is the men who decide wether these childen will be born in or out of wedluck.

Black men have placed black women into the position of Rivals, unbeknown to black women
Over the years, black men have begun to view black women as their rivals for the affection, attention and other attonement overtures of white people.

Notice how black men talk about how 'white society props up black women at the expense of black men'

Notice how they come with a catalogue of their own complaints anytime black women raise the issue of their trials in wider society, to take the focus off black women and block black women from the possibility redress.

They are also 'measuring shoulders' with black women over IR because for them, it is about 'more white people have to like us than like you,' and 'our profile and universal appeal must be higher than your'. Any wonder then that many are fighting tooth and nail against black women opening up their options, all the while with a blonde on their arm.

Black woman = race woman
Black women must give up living their whole existence around the notion of black community. It is the whole obsession of black community; of 'living for' black community, 'surviving' the black community, 'looking out' for black community, 'uplifting' the black community, 'protecting' black community, 'fixing' the black community, working for the benefit of black community, 'fitting in' with black community, 'residing' in black community, 'seeking her needs' within black community, aggitating for black community, 'rescourcing' black community,................. that has mired the black woman in her present hardship and misery and struggle.

It is black womens' refusal to stop playing community engineer or even god with the power to create without the necessary ingredients and raw materials in place, that causes black women to be burdened, stressed, struggling, denied, ill, drained, confused and depressed.

Black women must stop ordering their lives around, even putting themselves on hold for some coming great 'revival of black people.' They must go out and get their needs met NOW and from what is obtained and obtainable in the here and now.
 
Black women and their wider image
Now back to the issue of black women and our image, ask yourself, who would want to build relationships(alliances) with the stereotypical black women? Indeed who would want to give a job to the 'neck rolling', 'shrill' black woman that occupies mainstream imagination? Not many for sure. It is important to see then why this image of black women is in heavy rotation and heavily guarded so that it does not move off and away from popular imagination. Remember that it is the very ability to create alliances that is being attacked and taken from black women here, so that societies assets and material resources continue to circulate only in specific circles.
 
Self concern is something black women cannot have
There has been a massive campaign to extinguish self –concern in black women/girls in the last three decades, and the campaign has been largely successfully. I see it everyday, mindless, selfless drones of black women all worked up over and rushing around the cares of everyone else, with very little awareness that they have loads and loads of critical concerns that need to be addressed urgently. It’s really very shocking to me when I have to point out to black women, obvious issues that black women should attend to yet are busy turning over rocks to find issues that they can get stuck in to on behalf of others.
  
Focus on what you want and forget about being a 'do right' black woman
Lets face it, if you are a woman of a certain age and certain complexion and you are experincing 'shunning' by black men and even though day in and day out, you work, school or live around them (giving them ample opportunity to make a move) and no black man has of yet snapped you up, then really, why be so concerned about keeping them on the menu (they have had enough time to show interest and have not). It does make sense at least for expedience sake for you to simply look outwards and prospect new arenas indeed tailor yourself towards giving other men an all out chance. No one has finite rescources and at some point in a black woman's search, she is going to have to cut off a few leads to conserve energy and save time.
 
Why the black community wants black women locked within the group
It is of key importance within the general black thought system, that black women remain firmly located (locked) and localised only within the black construct/setting and unavailable to any other.
This might seem like an issue of black moral pride, even an issue of protecting black women but in reality by being so positioned, black women and their resources, be they material or otherwise, become held exclusively for the use of those within the black group and within ready access to be drawn on by those in the black category.
 
Black women as permission seekers
Black women spend an inordinate amount of time waiting to be given permission, even permission to do what they want and know they should be doing. They want their community to give them a go-ahead, a green light or a pat on the back and say, 'Yes we have weighed it up now and think that it is ok now for you to proceed'. Very sad to see all these black women who wont move on with their lives, but are just milling around waiting for a 'thumbs up' to get on with life, it is sad because they will never get one. They are the only willing horse now re the so called 'black agenda' and their lot is to be worked to death!

Just like in the 'Parable of the Sower' there are various 'soils' among black women. Which R U?
I have come to the understanding that our message will fall on the various 'soil' of black women out there (like the parable of the sower). Some women will take even half a percent of a chance and run with it and will produce a 100 fold, others will recieve the same message and immediately see a reason to be more depressed than when they thought they had only one option available.

So how you recieve the idea of the interracial option and the message that black women can have the relationships they want, is simply a matter of, 'What soil you are' (the parable of the sower: Mark 4:1-20, or Matthew 13:1-23, or Luke 8:1-15).

Get clued up about interracial dating, read the IR Dating E-book


And send your questions to relationshipadvice@dateawhiteguybook.com

(I will try my best to give a reply/answer)

This is a Mental War and Pamela gets Married!

Happy Holidays!

Good news: Pamela gets married.

I am awaiting a situation update, but Pamela tied the knot this Friday past, with her French-American Beau. Many congratulations Pamela. I know you are on your honey moon but when you have a spare minute, let us know how it all went. We are excited for you!

Pamela has been on board with black women empowernment from the get go, and her contributions and encouragement have been there to help and streghten the BWE bloggers and readers along the way. We have had an eventful journey with our pamela, on these blogs. We were here when she experienced loss and when she hit a milestone age (all experiences which she freely shared to encourage others) and then despite the negative barrage of ideas about black women, she secured what she wanted for herself; the love of a man with old school chivalry.

One thing I can definitely say is that Pamela won the mental battle that is being waged fiercely against black women and she has always written about the types of mental warfare that was directed against her. From close freinds, from the black church (especially from the church where people wanted her to 'settle' and where folks knocked her higher education and wanted her to down play it) etc etc.

Pamela won but many of you have been conquered.

How do I know?

I know because I see how some of you always see the cup as half empty with respect to your broader options. Yes I have countless letters complaining that white and other men are not in a stamped to get at black women and this upsets many black women and makes them feel there is no hope on the interracial front.

I have come to the understanding that our message will fall on the various 'soil' of black women out there (like the parable of the sower). Some women will take even half a percent of a chance and run with it and will produce a 100 fold, others will recieve the same message and immediately see a reason to be more depressed than when they thought they had only one option available.

So how you recieve the idea of the interracial option and the message that black women can have the relationships they want, is simply a question of, 'What soil are you' (read the parable of the sower (Mark 4:1-20, Matthew 13:1-23, and Luke 8:1-15).

My advice to those trying to open black women's minds to the opportunitites out there is, dont struggle with them. Some women are naturally negative and will zone in on the negative (half empty). Its about their mental set up, not you.

I also know that many black women are conquered because of how eager they are to spread the 'gospel' of bad news about black women's lot and how they are attracted like bees to honey to websites where the dirge of black women's lot, is being played. Some of you would pay to get access to those websites lol!

And many of you hold up with glee the latest confirmation of black women's hard luck, shouting, 'Come and see, come and see'. The fact that black women have started glorying in their situation is a clear sign that they have been mentally conquered by the psychological warfare aimed at securing black women in the underclass position with respect to everyone else.

I live in a place where government has been condemned for employing so much spin doctoring, ie making a negative into positive, but you see, this is actually how people who are unbowed behave, they try to get out, to do something to overturn the negative and to see a silver linning.

A little detour; when I used to go on speaking engagements in no distant past, I remember always being on the look out for a sign that black women were in 'fight back'. I wanted to see the spark that black women had not been 'taken out', that they were still live and kicking. Actually in many cases what I saw was mentally bowed black women, standing there taking the punches from black men who were mocking them, not even a little bitsy self-presevation spark, to at least if anything, move away from the source of abuse. Thats conquered women for you. You see somewhere along the line black women decided that their self-respect was also to be forfeit if it came to it, to serve the black construct, and once self respect is offered up, that is essentially it, one is conquered. Indeed instead of drawing a line and saying 'Signing away my self-respect will never be part of this deal', black women just bent over and let their self-respect be sacrificed to for black unity to happen. Well look at the mess situation we have right now.

Back to black women prefering bad news to good, it seems to me that it has become more important for the body of black women to get the confirmation that they are scrapping the bottom than that there is hope, I have seen how so protective they are of the bad news of their lot, that they will flay you for pointing out any hope or anyway round.

Fancy that, black women enjoying their 'no hope' situation.

Indeed 'Ok cupid' survey is now being used as a confirmation of the ill luck of black women and how no one wants black women, over and over and over. But do you know that that survey, if it can be used to confirm anything, actually puts black women in a slightly better position re black men with respect to interracial dating! Indeed and and yet I doubt any of you would suggest that black men are hurting for interracial attention (go back to those stats and have a look of you doubt me). Like I said, it is how you are primed to receive and the fact that some folks just go out there and make things work for them.

Yes, I went on a website recently where the writer actually set a trap to see how many black women would zone in on the 'woe is us', and do you know, the trap worked because dozens of responses on how 'we are the lowest of the low' ensued, and of course IR bloggers got a dishonorable mention for selling false hope. Finally the author revealed that others could be seen to come out slightly worse. No one came back to admit they were hunting and pecking for the negative though...

This is a warfare y'all and those of you who still remain free from the 'beaten up' virus need to guard yourselves so very carefully because this negative virus spreads like wild fire and in such a sophisticated way.

Let me state it clearly now that I dont trust anything a black man writes. I dont think I am linked to any black male author on the side bar of this blog, but those of you who need to be fair and diverse and all that, go right ahead, dont think I am trying to get you to change.

I believe at some point they will gently start to nudge black women to 'their place', the place they prefer to see black women, demonstrably under or behind black men socially. These men feed off the signs and sounds of black women trailing in social acceptance vis a vis themselves and try to secure black women in this place however they can, often in very sophisticated ways, for instance they might pretend to be commiserating with the latest evidence of how excluded black women are in the dating scene yet I firmly believe that these men are having an (*&&^)&&&%3 reading all the coments from black women agreeing and providing further evidence that they are not as socially accepted as black men (one place black men feel they are doing better than black women and are desperate to keep it as such).

I tell a lie, there is one black male blogger who I have observed not to be among, the 'feeding off black women's plight' as confirming that black women do not have as much universal appeal as black men.

Anyway like Pamela, some of us are winning the war, for others, feel free to make as many excuses for yourself as you like.

Get clued up about interracial dating, read the IR Dating E-book

And send your questions to relationshipadvice@dateawhiteguybook.com

(I will try my best to give a reply/answer)

'Permission to Live, Sir'

Make 2010 the Year you say 'I Do'

I came across a saying the other day that people will give you forgiveness before they will give you permission. Truer words have never been spoken!

Black women spend an inordinate amount of time waiting to be given permission, even permission to do what they want and know they should be doing. They want their community to give them a go-ahead, a green light or a pat on the back and say, 'Yes we have weighed it up now and think that it is ok now for you to proceed'. Very sad to see all these black women who wont move on with their lives, but are just milling around waiting for a 'thumbs up' to get on with life, it is sad because they will never get one. They are the only willing horse now re the so called 'black agenda' and their lot is to be worked to death!

Years ago when I was doing talks and book signing events, I remember going to a 'bw gathering/meeting' to talk about my book. In this particular meeting I really felt out of place because I just sensed that these women had gathered to really marinate in their fantasies about black love, in fact move even deeper into their illusions and I was really about to shatter it all. I recollect that a black women (kind of well known round these parts), read out a poetry which contained a verse about sucking a bm &^%((No I kid thee not!). So it was that kind of meeting where bw wanted to get all 'caught up', in their unshared fantasies about black love.

Anyway after I had talked about my book's subject and gone to get a stiff Martini at the bar, a black woman approached me and said, 'When you came up to talk I said to myself, Interracial dating? Is this one now allowed'.When she said this to me I felt it very odd but couldnt put a finger on why now I see that it conveyed to me how 'permission seeking' as a group black women are, waiting for approval before they put one foot in front of the other.

I realize now that black women go to meetings and events and churches etc etc to be given their orders on what to do and what not to do, orders from which they do not turn to the left or to the right of even when it is clear why they would do well to! It's mind boggling to some of you isnt it, that in the 21st century, black women take their orders and run their lives on the command of Central Committee and do whatever is required of them.

attention attention: Black American Brides.Com set to Launch.  Make 2010 the year you say 'I Do'.

I had one of those revelatory moments the other day, when in a private conversation someone said that white men are not in the habit of 'barricading' themselves from available opportunities, this rather, is the hallmark behaviour of black women in particular, and since they behave that way as a habit (and especially around the issue of dating), they tend to project this unto white men and think they too, put cultural and other concerns way out ahead if their basic desires and need for companionship etc. 'Rational self-maximising economic agent,' is a concept that keeps popping up in my mind these days when I survey the actions of black women, since coming across the book, 'Predicatably Irrational'. A self maximising agent (economic or otherwise) in my understanding, will have a need, look around and seize up the available opportunity for meeting that need. In order words, if you are famished and there is a huge plate of omlette in front of you, barring any immediate and physical barriers (eg a huge dog watching the plate of food), you will reach out and take the plate of food to satisfy the hunger.

I have watched freinds and collageues who are from backgrounds and cultures where self-maximizing are often second or third considerations behind, culture, hierachy, pride, I have watched them struggle to fit in with western systems.

Black women put what I would term, 'cultural concerns' (read: we have to be with black men), way out ahead of their basic and primary needs of mates and companionship, even when they are metaphorically 'starving' and have other opportunitites to meet their basic companionship needs. This means that black women are not behving in a self-maximising way. In the West, believe it or not, people are primed to be 'rational self-maximising' and systems are designed to respond to such 'rational self-maximising'. No, I am not saying this is the case absolutely, but to a very high degree.

The need for a man of black skin color is not a 'Primary need' for black women, though many black women give the impression it is. The truth is that a man of any color can serve.

So am I saying that white men are not putting race ahead of basic and primary needs for female companionship (ie are not racist or discriminating against non-white races)? I am not saying this at all. White men do discriminate but they do because at this point they can. God forbid but if half of white women set sail on a piece of ice to Lapland, you would see how fast racism and discriminating against any group of women would suddenly not make any kind of sense (reconnecting with their basic needs and available opportuntities to satisfy them). This is not the case with black women, they will dry up on the vine, waiting for that 1 in a million chance that a gust of wind will set the ice on a reverse path!

Get clued up about interracial dating, read the IR Dating E-book

And send your questions to mailto:relationshipadvice@dateawhiteguybook.com

(I will try my best to give a reply/answer)

This is also about access to the Resources of Black Women

Hope you all had a wonderful Thanks Giving!

It is of key importance within the general black thought system, that black women remain firmly located (locked) and localised only within the black construct/setting and unavailable to any other.


This might seem like an issue of black moral pride, even an issue of protecting black women but in reality by being so positioned, black women and their resources, be they material or otherwise, become held exclusively for the use of those within the black group and within ready access to be drawn on by those in the black category.

It has indeed been shown that it is wise to consider the angle of control of ‘resources’ when looking at how society is organised and this is very much valid way of looking at the situation of black women as a group within a social framework.

The whole notion of ‘keeping black women within black political mileu’ is the underlying sentiment that gives rise to thwarting and blocking responses that black women experience when they attempt any social movement beyond the black construct. This notion is also detectable in the unreasonable requirements they continue to be issued with, to keep faithful to the tenets of in-group mate selection, despite clear indications that severe number imbalances exist for this to continue to be a valid policy for black women at this point in time. In addition, the lack of concern, the skirting around or glossing over the reality of damage that such a requirement will have on a significant number of black women in their quest for relationships is also a clear sign of how low in consideration black women are placed within the hierarchy of importance operating within the black construct. That black women are here to ‘facilitate’ the tribal agenda (agenda both for and set by black men) and are seen as mere fodder for the furtherance of tribal goals and ideals is the message communicated by the indifference and lack of empathy generally displayed in these situations.

‘I was hungry and thirsty and I could not even reach out to pick a ripe and available orange within my reach because it was across the fence.’

The above comment clearly expresses the dilema faced by black women who find they cannot meet their needs within the black construct but are required to continue to remain within the black construct regardless of their personal sufferings.

Given that the designated area of operation of black women is within the political black construct, any attempts at expansion beyond this, is countered and blocked in a myriad of ways, from subtle to outright. Don’t forget that from her youth black women have their mentalities framed to be either effectively blind to opportunities indeed the world beyond the 'hedge' of the black construct or to cast a doubtful even disdainful eye on anything beyond the black construct boundaries.

In the beginning…

In the beginning, remaining within the black construct was an issue of necessity and safety, presently however the sentiment has shifted to being primarily a tribalistic one where tribal concerns like black uplift/black unity (concepts that are vaguely or only idealistically defined) are the reasons to limit oneself within one’s group.

Black women acquire and support this tribalistic mode of thinking, without understanding that it actually works against their specific, personal interests. A little deeper and clearer thought would indeed revel how their prioritising such tribal concerns means putting themselves at a greater risk of being enslaved to agendas that pay them very little (beyond psychic benefits) and loosing out on a personal front.

Some black women do however reach a point where they come to a realisation that they should place personal actualisation (for instance finding a suitable mate) as priority and above tribal ideals and all the restrictive and limiting tenets set up as the way to achieve tribal goals. Many more are today coming to a point of prefering tangible outcomes to intangibles and psychic rewards for instance of being hailed as 'true and dedicated' black women. What indeed is that 'badge' worth in the face of broken dreams and loneliness.

A willingness to place personal over tribal is a key turning point in the psyche of black women and marks a move towards black women becoming aware and acting as rational self-maximising social agents.

However, there are many black women and women in general who receive tribal injunctions as somehow being about elevating them as a unique group of women and being set apart and valued in the tribe even about an attempt to safe-guard their unique attributes as women of the tribe. They don’t see it as men simply trying to corner the market, and secure their stake in the women of the group, while at the same time, employing any tactic and exploiting any loop hole (including using religious tenets) to make women of other ‘tribes’ more available to them.

We cannot indeed overlook the fact  that in the state of zero competition the devaluation of a thing is highly likely. Anything that becomes exclusive within a specific space has a high risk of being devalued and taken for granted within those confines. Is it then any wonder that black women are complaining that they are constantly being harrassed, treated shaby within the race and blamed and never given a moments rest in terms of the demands placed on them? Is it any wonder they are deemed the work horses and expected to put up with and endure burdens other women are ushered away from very quickly!

Many black women do indeed block out the clear signs of black men being all about having as many women as possible while removing the competition from other males with respect to black women, continuing to insist that keeping them within the group is somehow how black men express their strong desires for their brand of femininity and position them above other women.

Indeed I will add that I believe that many more black women have woken up from the stupor of years ago, when they could be heard saying, ‘Black men only want to use these women,’ displaying that they were happy with this state of affairs of other women being used. Their willingness to see other women used however, was the snare that entrapped them (yes many black men whispered these sentiments to black women while they played them or both parties), because they soon enough discovered that the game was on them, and they were the ones being used and discarded!

Get clued up about interracial dating, read the IR Dating E-book

And send your questions to relationshipadvice@dateawhiteguybook.com

(I will try my best to give a reply/answer)

Should BW just forget about seeking for that 'good BM'

Almost a year ago, someone commented on my blog, accusing me of not 'levelling' with black women. She said this after one more example highlighting how black women were being devalued and passed over by the average black man, 'Why dont you just tell black women to forget about looking for black men and focus on white and others?'

You know that comment gave me a lot to think about, and I have attempted in the past to write a post about black women simply looking towards others. Lets face it, if you are a woman of a certain age and certain complexion and you are experincing 'shunning' by black men and even though day in and day out, you work, school or live around them (giving them ample opportunity to make a move) and no black man has of yet snapped you up, then really, why be so concerned about keeping them on the menu (they have had enough time to show interest and have not). It does make sense at least for expedience sake for you to simply look outwards and prospect new arenas indeed tailor yourself towards giving other men an all out chance. No one has finite rescources and at some point in a black woman's search, she is going to have to cut off a few leads to conserve energy and save time. Of course as usual a moral mill stone hangs around our necks (yes we black women have an almost irrational urge to always be 'moral' and consciencious in our dealings even when the people we are dealing with are totally amoral), and I kept to my policy of 'be open to all men'.

However someone has sent in a comment that has made me think twice about my 'keep prospecting among all men', mantra. Focussing in, might be an issue of optimising your chances and sending a clear message to break through the binding and imprisoning assumptions out there that trap black women in disadvantage.

Her is the anons comment

(and yes I have recieved the perfunctury note complaining that DBR seem synonymous with bm in this comment but if you can focus on the 'meat' of the comment for one second.....)

AH ALL THE OPTIONS!!!



I just wanted to tell you all a little story of my foray back into the dating world after a long time being single and basically giving up. I did post my profile on Match a long time ago but found that 80% of the men that viewed my profile were white but NONE would send flirts or better yet an email. Of course, you can bet that the vast majority of the DBRs tried to interact despite my profile clearly not being compatible with them on any level.


I also noticed that the vast majority of the non-black men that I searched for in the listings checked what is now termed "everything but a black woman." I've read the comments here posted by Evia who I respect for the work that she's done. However, I must say that you're not single and out there. I can tell you this can be VERY off-putting and I interface with white people in corporate america all day long. At the time, I interpreted it as proof of the racism in the hearts of white men.

I decided to give it another try and this time check ONLY white men as my preference. Guess what!! The darn floodgates have opened!!!! I was really reticent to do this previously as I am open to all QUALITY men, but I thought I would test it.

Interestingly enough, this has not stopped the DBRs from approaching me. In fact, some are even more aggressive. This sense of ownership is definitely alive and well. They also seem to think that you really have no choice. If they show ANY interest, you are supposed to thank your lucky stars and immediately engage them. I've noticed that in they're approach, unlike the white men, they do not try to show their value as men and good partners. They simply say "I'm a good black man looking for a relationship." While the white men QUALIFY their statements with why they are a good choice. The white men engage me about my day, my likes and dislikes etc.

After ignoring these DBRs, I've noticed that there is a pattern of more hostile interaction. They don't take the time to go back and read my requirements that clearly list white men. They continue to email and try to IM. As if to say "B... didn't you get my emails!! Don't you know that you are supposed to be happy that I am taking the time...!!"

They email me several times and try to engage me on Instant Messaging despite no replies. I've had to block them before the situtation goes further downhill.

I think that perhaps when White Men see an educated, good looking Black Woman who has checked that they are open to dating all races they either think that competition will be too much or that she is really just saying that she is "waitin' on a IBM." Either way, there is a big difference in the response. I should also state that my first time on Match was pre-Michele Obama. They may be getting used to the idea of the middle-class black woman. Or maybe they're just opening up to it more. Something has changed...

I thought I would pass this information along for others because the difference in response was truly incredible. I have to say it feels GREAT to know that you truly DO have options.
 
Anyway someone else wrote back thanking her for her insight...

Thanks for that information and insight. I guess it falls under the old adage of 'the truth will set you free'. I too am trying online dating again after years of being away. I am using Euro, Canadian and 2 US IR sites and I've always just wanted to check white only because that is my overwhelming preference. But have always been bullied by others & or my own social conscience to do the politically correct thing. Thanks to your observation, I'm going to follow my hearts conscience and post my true desires. I'll just block everyone who doesn't fit the criteria and keep it moving. Thanks again -Anon.

So here we have it, 'jack of all trades, master of none,' 'chase all the available rabbits and end up with none'.  This strategy seems to have worked because it communicated that she was open to white men way way more than some general green lighting of 'all men' would have. It gives something to think about....

Yes black women tend to have a moral conscience in excess, weighing them down and talking them out of being totally focussed and Machiavellian in pursuit of their goals like everyone else.

Maybe thats what we need to ask ourselves, why we have such a need to be morally above board. Is this probably about how someone who constantly wants to take a bath might have a constant feeling of being dirty?

Update!
It doesnt hurt to just tinker with your profile (who says you must keep it rigid), indeed if your moral conscience disallows you certain choices, why not have two profiles; one saying all men and one saying white only (on different sites if it isnt possible on the same dating site) and see how this as an experiment goes.

Black women, we need to be savvy and play this thing with intelligence and to win, and stop hobbling along, hamstrung by excessive morality and inflexibility and sticking to 'tradition' and just one narrow way of doing things. Think creatively!

Indeed excluding black men on your profile does not necesarily mean rejecting them but can be about being 'wise' to the behavioural codes of black men and hence your opportunitites with them as a demographic and zoning in where you know your chances and choices (indeed what you seek out of a relationship) can be maximised! 

Get clued up about interracial dating, read the IR Dating E-book


And send your questions to relationshipadvice@dateawhiteguybook.com

(I will try my best to give a reply/answer)

Black women and White men receive 'Thumbs up' for their ability to keep IR marriages beyond average!

We are talking The National Council on Family Relations (NCFR) folks,  doing an intense, well researched study and it can be found at Study

The research aimed at comparing the likelihood of divorce for interracial couples to that of same-race couples, using the 2002 National Survey of Family Growth (Cycle VI).

Now if you believe the 'tattle' out there, black women are the reason why ‘Black love’ is in a bad place. According to wide spread views, black women are too aggressive, too independent and wont ‘let men be men' and all the other host of stuff they get accused of. Well then, you would expect that this report would show that black women (being the problem that we are said to be), would prove this by carrying their 'palaver' wherever they went.

But........the study says that black women just cant help themselves as usual in doing good!

Some highlights:

Compared to White/White couples, White female/Black male, and White female/Asian male marriages were more prone to divorce; meanwhile, those involving non-White females and White males and Hispanics and non-Hispanic persons had similar or lower risks of divorce.


Elevated divorce rates among interracial couples may occur because members of these couples are more likely to have characteristics other than race associated with a greater likelihood of marital dissolution. (Cough cough)

Whites, specifically White females, who intermarry tend to be less educated than those who marry other Whites (Qian, 1997).

I see that these NCFR folks are not of the 'let's lump all IR couples in one batch and hide the real picture' school of thought!

You would also think that given how black men constantly complain about black women, that when they go on to pair with other races of women, everything would be fantastic. Well not so according to this study,  it appears other women are reporting ‘distress’ when in relationship with black men…………hmmm

When compared to their same-race counterparts, intermarried White females and Hispanics individuals reported higher rates of distress, but the same did not emerge for intermarried African Americans or White males (Bratter & Eschbach, 2006).

(Yes even though intermarried ww could be intermarried with not just bm, we do know who does the significant part of IRing with ww)


And

According to the adjusted models predicting divorce as of their 10th year of marriage, interracial marriages that are most vulnerable involve White females and non-White males (with the exception of White females/Hispanic White males) relative to White/White couples. (hmmm I see they have exonerated hispanic males)

You know, I do so believe that even if you give black men 'little green women' from Mars, they'd still find a way to mess it up royaly.

 

But ……..

Conversely, White men/ non-White women couples show either very little or no differences in divorce rates; or, as in the case of White men and Black women, are substantially less likely than White/White couples to divorce by their 10th year.

So it appears that even white men stand an even better chance of having a long-lasting marriage with a black woman than white!

Damn we are good!


And the clincher


Racial differences in marriage, on the other hand, correspond to higher divorce rates but mostly in marriages where the White spouse is female. NH Black husband/White wife marriages were twice as likely to divorce as White/White couples, and NH Asian husband/ White wife couples were 59% more likely, according to Model II. Highlighting the role of gender in interracial dynamics, the reverse combinations actually showed a lower or similar risk of divorce. White husband/NH Black wife couples were 44% less likely to divorce than White/White couples, and White husband/NH Asian wife couples were only 4% more likely to divorce by Year 10.


As for black love


Finally, we compared NH Black/ White unions to NH Black/NH Black marriages, which showed a persistently higher risk of divorce than White/White unions. We found again that crossing the racial divide for marriages between NH Black men and White women coincided with even greater marital instability than NH Black homogamous marriages experience. Generally, non-Whites who intermarry experienced less marital stability than their same-race married coethnics.

And there are all these women running around saying , white men cannot be adequate ‘partners’ for a black woman and touting that only black love can be able to meet their unique needs. hmmmmmm

Overall, way to go black women!

Background research for this blog entry by Felicia (thanks!)

Get clued up about interracial dating, read the IR Dating E-book

And send your questions to relationshipadvice@dateawhiteguybook.com
(I will try my best to give a reply/answer)

Black Women as Drones and Self-Saboteurs

There has been a massive campaign to extinguish self –concern in black women/girls in the last three decades, and the campaign has been largely successfully. I see it everyday, mindless, selfless drones of black women all worked up over and rushing around the cares of everyone else, with very little awareness that they have loads and loads of critical concerns that need to be addressed urgently. It’s really very shocking to me when I have to point out to black women, obvious issues that black women should attend to yet are busy turning over rocks to find issues that they can get stuck in to on behalf of others. It feels like pointing out the huge big soot stain across the forehead of a person who has just gazed at a mirror. I remeber a year ago writing to a well known journalist who wrote a lengthy article about supporting black men who are caught in the correction system. Since she decided to write about the correction system as a single gender issue, I wrote her back and asked her if she was aware that black women in the UK are proportionally more likely to be incacerated than any other race or gender (a sizable number as a result of being drug mules). She wrote back waffling about how she does care about black women as well. Oh really, yet even when black women are more likely than black men to be in prison, you still write about the situation as if it is something only black men face. I wouldnt even be suprised if women like her dont even know of this situation with black women/girls, given how occluded the whole picture around black women is. It is really a regime of 'obscure black women's issue so we can serve black men's issues exclusively' isnt it.

Whoever wrote this ‘self concern’ obliterating program that has effectively turned the masses of black women into robots working for others, needs to patent the program and sell it for some good money because it sho nuff is most effective!

And what’s more, among young girls I see this kind of ‘resignation’ to their lot, in fact I actually see black girls upholding their lot of being ignored, unsupported, called names like ugly and black as the way it is/should be.

Am I surprised? Not exactly, given that none of their big sisters gave any indication that the situation was to be resisted, wasnt the way things should be or normal, in fact, by their actions, they gave clear instructions that it was all something we should just go along with, tolerate and not try to protect/shield ourselves from in anyway or indeed move away from, but be trusting and hopeful while experiencing the worst kinds of humiliation and self esteem attacks known to humanity.

This weekend I was walking pass a group of black teenagers in a area densely populated by black people and there was this black lad tightly gripping a white girl from behind while rubbing up against her and two black girls were there making conversation with this girl. I actually heard one of them ask, ‘So you say you live round the block from …..’! Yep, these black girls saw nothing wrong with the situation, and where standing there making small talk as the black lad was all over their white ‘friend’. The picture said it all to me, that these girls had absolutely internalized and normalized their ‘inferiorization’ to the point that they are happy to be in vicinity of black boys behaving foolishly over white/light skin. These black girls still have the mind to fraternize with the perpetrators and the same girls exalted above them.

Am I saying that these black girls should crave lewd acts from black boys? Not at all.

And guess what, we their older sister let this situation happen where our young girls are no longer disgusted with expressions of colorism which get carried out and repeated constantly in their midst, at school, at play, at church (yes I have seen this go on in church under the watchful eyes of supervisors who see these patterns of behaviour and think nothing about it and what it means for black girls). These girls watch and look on at the various expressions of their marginalization and rejection as women.

You can imagine the range of accommodating mantra and philosophies these girls and women have stocked up to enable them put up with the situation, you don’t even want to go there to try to get them back to a reasonable frame of mind and one of self-concern. One black girl said to me that, ‘Black boys are allowed to date wherever they want’. ‘I said to her, ‘And where does that leave you, do you recognize that there is an impact on you and you need to take steps to ensure that their freedom to date does not cost you greatly?’

The worse thing is that there are black women who take it upon themselves to facilitate and defend black men’s choice to date whoever, which is essentially black men’s right to discriminate against them. Black girls call fellow white girls racists for not dating any black boy who demands they do (agreeing with a black mans self serving assessment), instead of saying to themselves. ‘What dog do i have in this fight anyway?' I mean, have you ever come across anything so delusional? I know thousands of black women who go out to bat for footballers when they are on the recieving end of racism yet these men wouldnt even spit on them if they were on fire. At what point will black women stop all these campaigns they get into to 'bring back the love of bm'.

But there are other reasosn why black girls are running into fights that are not theirs and that essentially strengthen the discrimination against themselves (shooting themselves in the foot as always)? Very simply, a desperation to show themselves supportive of black men and also sometimes a need to prove they are not like the rest of jealous black women, or that they are not a 'hater' as was elloquently stated by one of the commentors (more about not wanting to be identified among the hater bunch further down).

Everywhere I go black girls are going about in groups (4-5 girl groups). They seem to be the only less integrated group I see around constantly only with themselves or a few white girls. I think this is a reflection of the wider rejection they feel, so they band together however, black girls who are and have essentially been left to fend for themselves tend to adopt a very scolding and caustic attitude towards the world. I watched a black girl who could have been no more than 14 talking the other day, and you could have thought this was some old woman who had seen and gone through life. She was not only pontificating very loudly and unfeelingly, which seemed to me to be about her mirroring the attitude that might have been adopted towards her by others who are impatient with black girls vulnerability. Also she was talking about hair of all things, and announcing to all and sundry on the bus, that a girl (who she said was trying to run away from being black and ugly) has to deal with it, because she cant run away from her fate! Like I said, she was pontificating and a lot from her statements suggested she was internalizing not challenging the idea of black = ugly and in addition, her uncaring tone suggested a strong element of masochism for black women here represented by the girl who shouldnt/couldn’t run away from being black and ugly! I felt very sad for this generation of black girls.

One of the key reasons why bw are never good allies of each other is that they are so busy trying to prove that they are not with the rest of black women particularly around the issue of being jealous/envious of white women. This singular fear of being lumped into the category of those who are jealous ('haters'), have nappy hair issues, {insert newest accusation against black women} means that constantly black women undercut their own cause and agenda because it becomes more important to not be seen as jealous or having low esteem etc (and you display this by agreeing against your interests or against you understanding of a situation)

An example is, I watched a friend go gaga over her cousin marrying a Filipino woman. Now this young man was the first in his family to become a ‘professional’ in his field and you know as these things just happen, he ends up marrying a Filipina (sarcasm off), anyway I wasn’t expecting my friend to go all warm and mushy over the fact or even reveal it in the first place, but she made it seem like such a ‘progressive’ thing that he had done. Hmmm, you want me to believe that a black woman in the west has not deciphered that this situation is definitely not about black men being progressive in their choices.

This running away from other black women to not share their labels, is indeed an indication of the circumstance of black women, and that their collective situation has become so bad that each one is trying to put a distance between herself and the general ‘lot’ of black women, particularly the jealousy bit. Many black women are so bent on proving they are unfazed by the obvious white female preference (in real life not on the net) that they will deny a very clear case and evidence of such, and broadside other ‘sisters’ in a discussion about the phenomenon just to prove how ok with it all they are.

Yes in a bid to prove, ‘I am not like those other black women who have an issue with black men marrying others’ (particularly when they acquire some economic status), my freind went all gushy and kept repeating the fact that he had married a Filipina! Truth is that she didn’t even need to mention that bit of information apart from the fact that she was ‘performing’ and trying to distinguish herself from the close minded black women out there. Here she was agreeing with liberal definitions of progressive activities when we all know that interracial dating among these groups of men is anything but about applying the principles of progressiveness.

I hear Oprah has done something similar re the recent Good Hair Bad Hair mock-umentary (thanks faith), by Chris Rock. I might be wrong here and have got the wrong end of the stick (and am willing to retract the following) but it was reported that she tried to separate herself out from the weave wearing/non follicle growing members of black womanhood, by asking that her someone feel her hair to prove it to be the real deal.

I am not surprised one bit, about the separation antics being displayed among black women. As long as black women’s situation remains pitiful and something to mock and laugh at, black women will continue to scramble to get away from the rest of the black female collective even if they have to 'grenade' the rest to get away!

Get clued up about interracial dating, read the Interracial Dating E-book


Send your questions to relationshipadvice@dateawhiteguybook.com (I will try my best to give a reply/answer)