Black men are way cool, black women?... not so much

Happy Easter Celebrations!

I was at a local catholic church yesterday for the Good Friday service (yes I do sometimes visit!) and saw the most amazing Blasian young couple.

They looked in their mid twenties and the cool part was they were with both their fathers. The boys father and girls father were sitting opposite their kids and also when they left the church, both men were in deep conversation.It was a nice cheery sight to see with several stereotypes dispensed all in one go! Black women are finding ways and means to live the lives they want!

I notice that the Catholic church where I live is very very multicultural, so much so, it puts every other church denomination to shame. There are so many SE Asians, Malaysians, Middle Easterners, blacks and white ethnics (including Polish) as a result of the history of Catholicism in these areas of the world. Black women who are interested in Blasian matches or even ready to expand beyond standard white, might do well to investigate a few Roman Catholic churches in their areas (wink).

Be careful in Choosing a Matchmaking Service

I got a note from a reader about how some matchmaking services will string you along for your money and not meet their own part of the bargain. It is important thus to vet a service indeed, go on the strong recommendations of others. Ask other black women about their experiences with the agency.

Hi Lynn (waves), please do give us an update on your matchmaking service experience. A few black women have contacted me to ask about getting in touch with them.

I have had a few stories about Match Making services that will take your money, introduce you to a few black and maybe one white man and then say they are waiting for white men to show interest (all the while they have tied you into a contract!). Clearly this is not how matchmaking services work, because a service will and must actively seek interest on behalf of their clients by casting a wide net (having many on their books) or strongly suggesting their clients as a possibility to the men on their books whether these men are aware of the option or not, or indeed come come out with, in this case  an interest in IR themselves. Indeed why pay money to matchmaker service if they are going to do exactly what you have done all along and that is to leave it all to chance!

It's very sad that some folk out there think they can treat black women shoddily but as black women we know the deal. We must never be naïve, we must never feel that folk will be happy for us just to walk in and seize our destiny. We must understand that they might step aside for a black man, an Asian woman, white etc because they adhere to racial hierarchies or because a certain group of women (read: Asian), have put their foot down and insisted on being taken seriously in these matters, but they will throw up a fuss when it's black women's turn.

I think with the Easter week upon us etc it is just apt for me to say to black women, you must be as wise as serpents and as gentle as doves (Matthew 10:16). Indeed Jesus really called it. Everything we have been preaching about black women becoming savy and entering their destinies can actually be summed up in that neat little saying of Jesus! That is the crux of a whole lot of BWE injunctions.

Black Men are way cool, black women?... not so much

So to continue with the above theme I will say that a couple of colleagues of mine are doing all sorts of NGO projects in Africa. It never ceases to amaze me how focussed these women are on supporting and assisting the black boys in the communities they work in. I don’t discount the fact that there might be internal community resistance to women being helped and educated as a result of ingrained sexism in these cultures nevertheless, I am struck by how every time there is a project we have to contribute to or there is need to pay school fees etc etc it is for the boys. I don’t believe that the excuse of societal sexism would be a good enough excuse for such gender imbalanced work, if the context was Western society. I believe the situation would have spurred on the women to seek to work to empower the women folk even the more!

I am not saying there are no NGOs working with women or exclusively with women (as we know they are), but I think that when people move into these projects spurred by personal impetus (and outside the structure of international NGO work, which tends to be based on years of investigating the particular area and consideration of aligning with progressive principles such as empowering women and girls) they are more likely to simply fall in with the natural sexist lay of the land as opposed to challenge it.

This is one more example that supports my impression that white society etc heeds the values and priorities that black folk put forward as being important to them. For instance when black people show in abundant ways that black male lives are more valuable than black female lives, white folks don’t challenge this notion according to progressive ideals or their own dearly held beliefs of equality and women's rights etc, instead they go as far as to adjust their own lens on the situation to take into consideration what black folks say they want. These days white folks are arguing 'Well its their culture or it's their religion that makes the men aggressively dominate their women, or tear off their clitorises, we have to respect it!' SMH

Building empathy for yourself in the workplace

I think the wider society has a hard time finding their empathy for black women for a range of reasons. One reason is that the narratives crafted around the lives of black people (especially by black people) suggest that black women do not deserve or should not get it, whereas black men need it in abundance. These narratives leave black women in a place where they can be strangely non human to others and seen as beings who don’t have blood flowing through their veins like everyone else!

Many white folk don’t know black women as simple human beings especially as mere humans just as they are. There are lots of obstacles to perceiving black women as mere humans in the society we live in, to seeing us just as others are seen, to note that black women have the same desires and ambitions and desires for happiness as everyone else. I find the fact that white folk are more likely to jump to the defence of black men, even black men who have done wrong and provide endless excuses in a way they never do for black women, very telling and it can be explained in part by the failure to form empathic feelings for black women, their lives and their situation.

So the dominating narratives deny black women a chance at appearing as a deserving subject for emphatic feelings, but if people don’t identify with you they are more likely to hurt, hinder or fail to help you. For the purposes of surviving in the workplace or achieving a career goal, black women can help others into forming an empathic picture of them. People have to identify with you as an everyday being, doing the same everyday things they do. If people believe you live alien to their own wants, desires, past times, concerns, values etc, if they think you go home, and go to sleep in a coffin for instance! (lol), it will not help your career climb.

You are an everyday person, going about doing everyday things, just like them, so you can share a bit of what you do during your free time when there are mini conversations in the office ('I Went to watch soccer last week, my team XYZ was playing ABC and it was ….). Have conversations about topical subjects in the news, especially stuff that concerns folk (be careful about taking clear political positions on things, people often say if in doubt stay on the left politically-I guess it is a sad reality of our times!). Talk about how you have everyday needs, 'They don't sell the full sized bottles of milk at my local store so I have to go down town once a week etc etc etc').

I agree that others should do the work to build bridges with black women, to understand them and build empathy (and many fail to do so), but for the sake of having the career you want, I will advise that you take it into your hands to portray yourself as a person, a woman trying to make it in the system and society just like they are.

Next blog post available from 13th April

My e-books are now available on Amazon. Please click on the corresponding links below for more info.

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Do Black Women in Afros
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Supposing I wanted to
Date a White Guy...?
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Many thoughts in my head about why black women are struggling romantically

First I want to say a couple of thing:

Who you are is attractive to someone. Note this down. Some women think that their brand of beauty or because of their weight or height or skin shade, they are just not attractive to anyone and must settle for scraps of attention. I grant that some women do not fall into the norms of beauty but this means nothing. If all the men around you are lemmings, who only fancy women who they are told to fancy by the media and what have you, then it is important that you expose your self to loads and loads and loads of men to increase your chances of meeting that 1 in 25 that will fully and totally appreciate you and what you have to offer. I am convinced that one of the major reasons why black women struggle to find partners is that they do not play the numbers game. Being holed up at home, not putting yourself out there everyday and every weekend and moving in sheltered circles constituents one of the most potent impediment to black women securing themselves relationships.

In addition I want to reiterate the point I made in the past that black women have to do their very very best to present themselves with finesse and polish. Look smart, dress sharp. Don’t let your look fall apart. Have a sense of style and comfort in your body and in your look (I am also against the severe cooperate look which many black women go for which just kills their personality!). Over the years I have noted how that black men are comforted by black women looking ...a mess when compared to others in any group. It seems that this is a sign that the black woman is 'in her place,' and is 'not going anywhere' so to say. She is locked down in her social position, is not a threat or a contender. When they look unpolished and dress without care (I am not even talking about expensive clothes) and cant grow their own hair, black women seem to give of the sign (which pleases others immensely), that we are un-integratable, immobile, will be where we are wanted (which is clearing up after others or making their path smooth for them). Even if you are overweight you can still dress to flatter your proportions while you work at weight loss.

In truth, so many people are comforted by black women looking dishevelled, worse for wear, dowdy, matronly, with ill fitting clothes or shapeless dresses, horrible hair and weaves with garish colors or worse a black woolly hat of some sort to stuff away unkempt hairdos. Indeed we all know it when we see it, black women who put on those types of woolly hats (usually black) clearly to skirt round combing and dressing their hair on a 'busy' day.

Don’t think this is one just poking fun at others, I have been there and done that. At one point I think I must have been the worst dressed at a local church I used to attend, because I just had too much on (you need to make time to be polished!) and of course I was one of those who felt relationship with God was above earthly things and this was the line I was fed steadily by pastors and the likes who talked about how men wanted holy prayer warriors even as said men were trampling said holy warriors in their brazen bid to get to the unholy good looking counterparts that they were said to never ever want (I guess this is why I am quick to recognize and condemn the double talk that comes out of the Black community and church). I know how comforted others felt, that I was 'out of contention'. I also know how 'sisters' felt it was ok to block any attention coming my way deeming themselves better recipients of the male's attention (yes Christians, yes in the church, you better recognize that Christians can and do constituent some of the folk most lacking in self awareness as such cause hurt and havoc).

Don't comfort people by your inability to make an effort. I 'd rather face obstacles because someone deems me a worthy adversary/rival/competitor than someone feel comforted by the fact that I look and present myself as someone they can say, 'Oh her, don’t worry she is no threat!'

Why black women are having a hard time meeting their marriage ambitions in and out of race

A few of you wrote to me about my last blog post. Some wanted to take me up on that idea of a matchmaker as I encouraged and I think this is a good idea. It set me really thinking and questioning why black women are indeed having a rough time connecting with men. I know it's rough out there for all races and marriage trends are down all over however as I have said, casual observation leads me to feel that even polished and proper black women who you would expect to not have issues are having major issues especially when considered against their less polished counterparts of other races. We have a weight of stereotypes working against us but not always in the straight forward negative way we think. Sometimes the sentiment is not we are not fit for marriage, its more like we are beyond needing marriage, men, a helper, a knight in shinning armour (if some people realized that black women too desire a shinning armoured knight they would faint dead away!). I think it is this later sentiment of 'Don’t be silly, black women don’t bother with all that silly stuff of love and marriage its all beneath them(we are super human and evolved past those silly needs of other women in fact we should be looked up to for this by women who are serious about their feminism because the black woman has kicked men out from any importance in our lives!). So how do we fix back this idea back that black women are like all other women in their desire for love and companionship?

Do you know one other clear reason why black women are suffering at the marriage stakes. The reason is this, each black woman is fighting this fight on her own. Black women do not have a network of friends, buddies, parents, aunties and uncles who have an eye out for her in this regard (rather if anything she is being fed BS and obsolete nonsense by her female relations either deliberately to sabotage her or because they are as dumb as nails). Black women are in it all alone, they don’t receive any kind of compounding effect of other women looking out for them in this regard. Indeed how many of you married or engaged black women have bothered to link up the many single men that form part of your network (especially now from your husbands circle) with the many single black women you know particularly in the BWE circles, women who you have known and vetted for years?

I was watching a documentary a year or two ago where it was revealed that Princess Diana actually hooked Fergie and Andrew (Prince Charles' younger brother) up. She planned and executed the whole thing and when Fergie finally confronted her about it (Andrew was always in the parties and get-togethers where she was invited), Diana openly admitted it without hesitation saying that she wanted a friend around the place. Yes the naïve sweet little 20 something year old Diana still finding her own feet in the royal family was busy matchmaking for her friend and with the specific goal of building a supportive network for herself in years to come (we also know that Camilla endorsed Diana as her replacement before Charles went after her!).

The only time a woman can chat up a man without any stigma is when she is chatting up a man to match him with a friend. As married or engaged women, you can have that discussion with a man without a sense of shame or fear. 'Are you with anyone?' You can say, “I know someone who would be just right for you, she has the dame taste in movies as you” or “I am gonna introduce you to a friend of mine and I believe you two will hit it off” etc etc. Folks, a recommendation is everything, especially in this wimpy modern world where people have too much choice and no backbone! Even in the workplace these days with their elaborate mechanisms for selecting the best person for the job... well just let a friend, colleague or worker recommend someone they know even if he or she is a serial killer and all those sophisticated systems are bypassed.

The two people might be as different as anything, but because you have said they are suited the psychology will work on them and they will start from a place and point of faith and openness that they may well become a couple. People have started relationships on the basis of faith in a friends recommendation. I know of a particular instance where the friends chose a woman randomly and were trying to play a practical joke but the action of that recommendation was so psychologically strong and by the time they revealed all, the couple had bonded because they had opened up to each other based on the recommendation. The couple ended up getting married!

People have built a whole relationship on the faith in their friend or colleague's say so.

So black women are battling ideas that make relationships beneath them as well as those that cast doubt on their fitness for marriage and there isn’t even a helping hand up from those who have cracked the code. Even in BWE circles there isn’t even this pulling together to assist (I must commend those who held cocktail parties or meet ups in the past around this objective God bless). These ones don’t think it is necessary to help and maybe create a friend and ally for life. None surveys their surroundings with the aim of identifying a match for their single friends and for some of you it wont even take you out of your way for more than 5 mins, you can do it while painting your nails! Folks are in such far flung places as Japan and China where the exotic value of black women is sky high and can deliver results and where the brand of black woman hasn’t been severely damaged by familiar stereotypes, yet they cant think of a way of exploiting this situation for their single girl friends. Some of you only need to use social media or introduce people through that medium.

As Lenny Kravitz says 'Mr Cab Driver only thinks about himself, Mr Cab driver I might need some help!

Next blog post available from 30 th March

My e-books are now available on Amazon. Please click on the corresponding links below for more info.

First Steps to Personal Empowerment
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Do Black Women in Afros
Date White Guys?
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Supposing I wanted to
Date a White Guy...?
Buy Here or Buy at Amazon

Do we Black Women occupy the blind spot of society?

I received an email the other day from a black woman who was really down about being ignored and made invisible in our society despite doing her very best in every way. I share her frustration.

When it comes to black women and girls, some folk suddenly don’t know or quickly forget where the boundaries of decency are...congrats to the brilliant Quvenzhane Wallis

I was actually thinking about it the other day when at church. Most of the black women who are well put together, slim and well coiffed and with the best voices in the choir were all ringless. This contrasted glaring with their white counterparts. Even those who would in our society be classed as homely were married or in some kind of permanent relationship.

Of course this has a lot to say about the view of white men and marriage and wanting to be with women in such arrangements, and in addition, says a lot about the fact that the word is not out yet that black women themselves desire these partnerships and are happy to expand beyond black men. But despite the explanations that we can read into the situation, it is all very cold comfort.

We know that the black community represents the 'no marriage zone' for black women, (despite the fact that one or two of your girlfriends managed to get the ring...eventually, this still holds true) and this is why we BWE writers always strongly advice black women to get away from black enclaves and black social milieus where they are not at all taken seriously for marriage.

 

However and also, many white men don’t think they should/can ask black women out, despite all the signs that black women give out, and this is just a fact and I too am getting a bit 'p$%#3' with the excuse that somehow people just don’t know that a black woman might want to be with a man. Indeed I have seen white women who look like they 'don't do men' who men still go after and pursue and never ask, 'is she open to men, to my advances, or is she looking to date?' No one asks these questions, they just assume she is in the dating and relationship game until it is said otherwise. However with black women, it appears the opposite view holds for us and that is, 'she doesn’t want a man, until she says otherwise.' This is what black women face, the general assumption working against them and frustrating their relationship ambitions, the assumption that unless told otherwise we are not into love and relationships and are not a natural target for men's attention, we are 'Miss independent', who doesn’t want or need to be bothered by all this men-woman and pairing off business, we have better and more serious things to do with our time!'

There is nothing wrong with sadly acknowledging the fact that black women occupy the blind spot of society. It helps to acknowledge it and not pretend or skip over the sadness and try to claim it doesn’t affect you especially when it hits hard certain days.

The thing though is don’t waste too much time just feeling sad. It is an issue that affects all black women (some more and some less), which means that you must throw everything at the problem to dig yourself out of this general black female predicament. Like I have said many times, you earn money and resources so you can shore yourself up in areas of struggle, deficiency, shortfalls etc. Not all of us will have troubles or struggle in the same areas of life. I might have a problem in the area of finding relationships and you might have it in the area of finding a good job. You must divert resources to ensure that you help yourself out in the area of your struggles and I must also spend my finances to help me in my area of struggles.

This is how one proactive black women reader of this blog has put into effect my strong suggestion to get registered with a Matchmaker to, as she put it 'expedite' meeting a man for marriage.

 

On another note, I want to tell you that you certainly reach and help a lot of women who read your blog and maybe don't comment on what they learn. We are definitely learning the lessons and applying them in real life. I know the feedback you receive may not reflect this.

For example, on your blogs about self-improvement and expanding your dating set you mentioned a few times about paying for a matchmaking service to expedite meeting Quality men. A few weeks ago I took the plunge and invested a significant amount of money in a matchmaking service! I've been online for years, sometimes meeting great men (usually they lived far away), and I started to get frustrated with the weeding out process. I'm very excited because tonight I have my first 'matchmade' date! So thank you so much, I never thought of taking my personal life to this level until you brought it up.

Ladies, if you can afford (or maybe if you cannot) you should definitely consider a matchmaking service. Yes, it's expensive, but the men usually pay 2-3 times more. I did not know this until recently. Men are not going to fork over several thousands of dollars if they are not seriously looking for a woman who has wife material! These men are SERIOUS! Plus, I know so much about the guy before we've even met.

And yes, I will admit I was initially hesitant because I want to only be matched with White or Asian men. Most matchmaking services are run by (White) women and I feared some sort of sabotage. Well, I can tell you ladies, not all are like that. After some initial surprise, (I was very blunt with my preferences; and on the phone I do not sound "Black") my matchmaker is excited and is making every effort to get me dates with the men I want. I do recommend that you are very blunt with your preferences. You do not want to fork over hundreds/thousands of dollars and get matched with Black men; if that is not your preference. These services only guarantee a minimum number of dates and you don't want to waste a single one!

The fact that we are not seen or appreciated and ignored on the level of being a woman is ugly and disheartening and it is OK to acknowledge this, but if you stay in this state of being sad, what good will it do. You must never give up in trying to turn the tide for yourself. Acknowledge the sickness, the pure twisted nature of society with respect to black women, take a week off if you like, however the sooner you push back the feelings of sadness and get back into doing something, the better. Lastly, do not spread your discouragement online to other black women. Some of us just spread discouragement, we do not realize we can seriously damage others. It is a mature acting woman who knows she is going through a down time and just cuts off and takes time out, so as to not spread negativity. Share positivity and dont feel that you have a right to offload your ill feelings and negative emotions on other black women. What might be a passing phase for you may then very well bring about the downfall of loads of other black women. 

Next blog post available from 16th March

My e-books are now available on Amazon. Please click on the corresponding links below for more info.

First Steps to Personal Empowerment
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Do Black Women in Afros
Date White Guys?
Amazon




Supposing I wanted to
Date a White Guy...?
Buy Here or Buy at Amazon

 

Notes from the institute of Clear thinking for black women

A few thoughts on a couple of topics

Tip No 2756 on how to make it in the dominant white culture -Smile like a half wit

 

Dolly 'eternal sunshine' Parton

 

After many years of working around whites, I have come to the realization that they are deathly afraid of morose, unsmiling black people (black women more so than black men who they can tolerate their 'anger' because black men are justified in their anger because of what white men have done to them – it's not really that cutting and brutal for black women- and of course many white woman want to gather the sad black man to their maternal bosoms and comfort them). An unsmiling black woman; a sure sign that there is a deep well of anger and resentment at white people, which is the stuff of nightmares for many white people because the black woman might suddenly go psycho on them and they want to avoid this by all means!

If you want to get ahead, be bright and breezy, at work and in the company of whites! Be very careful about indulging in moments of personal introspection when at work – which tends to make the face drop and look pensive- because you are being watched closely. Instead think on only nice happy things when at work but if you are suddenly overwhelmed by a need to wallow in something sad and bad please go to the toilets!

It might seem I am joking here but this is my honest advice. If you are as smiley as Dolly Parton, you will find more contracts and opportunities pushed your way because you are the kind of black person they want to keep around!

Discernment is Key

A whole lot of black women do not know how to discern when a black person is looking to make a buck off them and when they are genuinely interested in their helping them.

I don’t think that there is anything wrong in profiting from a service as long as you give real value for the money you receive. I must have mentioned this before on this blog, about a particular black guy who set up a 'black love' and dating 'business', essentially profiting of the endemic singleness of black women in London. Women would be lectured on why they had not found their good black man and there were offers to (for a fee) 'let us find you your ideal black man' etc. I mentioned that this man was 'outed' as contemptuous of black women at one black gathering a while back when he jeered at black women who were complaining about their singleness plight. I don’t think any black woman at that event would have been left in any doubt that this man had a deep seated anger and resentment towards black women and was gloating over their predicament. Yet his business moves from strength to strength with events at some expensive hotels. Now I am no knocking his hustle. I have spoken to a few black women who say the service is so so and they are still searching but they attend his events faithfully, sometimes they are asked to bring along single men (for other women who also bring along other single men).

A lot of black women are wasting time they don’t have, trying to work a formula that just doesn’t compute and whose basic premise is erroneous (there are enough black men out there who are interested in marrying -and marrying black women- for every black woman). Instead of working a formula which makes sense (casting a wider net, going on dating sites/match makers), these women would rather invest money and time in forcing an approach that is clearly (from looking around them) not yielding much.

Anyway as they say, 'A fool and his money are soon parted'

Social Mobility continued...

I was comparing the premise of social mobility and feminism in my last post and I was encouraging readers to make the social mobility model work for them.

It might seem awkward that I would compare social mobility with feminism but bear with me for a second.

From wikipedia

Social mobility is the movement of individuals or groups in social standing/social position [1][2] It may refer to classes, ethnic groups, or entire nations, and may measure health status, literacy, or education — but more commonly it refers to individuals or families, and their change in income.[1] It also typically refers to vertical mobility—movement of individuals or groups up (or down) from one socio-economic level to another, often by changing jobs or marriage; but can also refer to horizontal mobility—movement from one position to another within the same social level.

Mobility is enabled to a varying extent by economic capital, cultural capital (such as higher education), human's capital (such as competence and effort in labour), social capital (such as support from one's social network), physical capital (such as ownership of tools, or the 'means of production'), and symbolic capital (such as the worth of an official title, status class, celebrity, etc.).

Why I say that the social mobility model works over equality (read: feminism) model, so 'work' the former and don’t wait for the latter!

At its basic level feminism is about advancing the rights of women, in other words you could say it is about 'clearing the path' for woman (though I know that it has come to mean so much more these days). In the same way the social mobility is also about advancement but the advancement of the individual. Thus in terms of getting ahead, it could be said that they are rival models. The Equality model which included feminist model, is an ideal and we must in all good sense, and as a healthy society, aspire towards fairness and always work towards a more and more equal society. Yet we have to know that society is geared around enabling the individual rise through the ranks as opposed to ensuring that it works like 'rising water that lifts us all'. An individual will go further if they leverage the principles of social mobility as opposed to wait for a 'fairer' society to kick in. Equality and fairness: who knows if we will ever achieve completely these ideals even though we have a duty to works towards this state.

As I have previous said and want to reiterate:

I think feminism as an ideology is so vital and really comes into its own when addressing the most basic and fundamental rights of women including combating misogyny, the right of women to control their reproduction, equal payment for equal jobs etc etc

Why running your life according to some feminist principles could leave you in the lurch

Many black women have borrowed too many politically correct concepts and ideas without the understanding that these notions are not giving them the victory they seek. I am here to tell black women that utilitarian approaches are better for black women not Politically correct and idealistic philosophies especially those borrowed from modern feminist thought. 'Being fat is fine', 'Be a single mother if you want, its your choice', 'No one should shame a Slut'... I am wondering how have these notions helped the situation of black women as a group?

There are many kinds of 'experimental' ideas out there offered in the name of progressiveness, equality and openness but they will not pay off for black women even if their white counterparts manage to dabble and go scotch free from all sorts of new social engineering ideas. The BWE writer Khadija has said 'tried and tested,' black women must always look to the tried and tested approaches and I agree.

For a little heads up:

When countries are rich and have a surplus in finances (however that is defined), they can engage in endless social experiments around making the society more 'just' and 'equitable'. So there is a robust welfare system, you can do whatever you want with your life like eat yourself to a damaged health, smoke endless cigarettes or be a couch potato. Very likely the government will pick up your health tab and support whatever lifestyle choice you make. Just don’t be caught out when the cycle of boom comes to and end... ah too late! many of us have been caught out with this current recession.

I find it very funny that after years of promoting a 'do as you please' and 'be free and unlimited' when it comes to life choices (because your lovely government will pay for it), now folks are being told in no uncertain terms that there will be no more gravy trains in fact these days the government doesn’t even bother to talk, you just turn up to where you used to be able to get a free service and the door is boarded up with no information about where you might be able to find another service. People are being told that choices have consequences and they will have to underwrite their own choices. This is very much the case in terms of what kind of diet and lifestyle people chose, and simply put, government will no longer pick up the tab for the consequences of your unhealthy choices. Tax payers, insurance firms and companies are all revolting and they do not want to pick up the tabs any more for the excesses of the western individual, who has the choices and opportunities and information to take charge of their lives, but often refuses to do so.

I have told a fair few folks around me that good diet and exercise is no more up for debate for any sensible person, because these days with many hospitals silently withdrawing certain medical options or simply ratcheting down the standard of care, being as fit and healthy as you can be is the best insurance you can take out for yourself.

So many people who cultivated a relaxed and a careless approach to life and living are high and dry at this point. The most troubling thing however as I said is that in some cases where it has become almost impossible to broach some issues because of political correctness or because of election cycles, government is simply withdrawing support and funding from certain projects and changing policies silently and without warning!

As we can see, government seems to be saying they got it wrong in many respects hence anyone who lets government set their priorities, their pace and agenda, will find themselves in trouble when suddenly government decides to do a '180' in terms of their policy. Policys change but acting with common-sense can safeguard your life!

Next blog post available from 1st March

My e-books are now available on Amazon. Please click on the corresponding links below for more info.

First Steps to Personal Empowerment
Amazon

Do Black Women in Afros
Date White Guys?
Amazon




Supposing I wanted to
Date a White Guy...?
Buy Here or Buy at Amazon

Mothers and Daughters Continued, The Feminism vs Social Mobility Model

A few more words re: Mothers and black daughters
 

Failure to settle down

One other reason for problematic relationships with black mothers and daughters can be down to mothers not settling down/moving into the next phase of life with regards finding a mate or partner.

Put it like this, If a forty plus year old woman is still pursuing her relationship goals at the same time as is her twenty year old daughter, there is a high possibility that mother and daughter could clash in a more competitive way because of this 'shared' ambition. As women (black women in particular) have most of their children outside wedlock and remain in the market for a relationship into their forties and fifties when their daughters are also looking to date and settle down, it can and does cause resentment in some mothers who have to confront the fact that that the youth of their daughters gives them an advantage in the dating arena as opposed to how hard it becomes for them as more mature women. If a mother is dating she also is aware that a young nubile woman in the vicinity of her relationship could lead down the all too familiar path of infidelity/sexual abuse between her boyfriend and her daughter which leads to internal anxities. You can imagine the complications that can arise from all these tensions and hidden anxieties.

Indeed restructuring of the traditional family set up does have many repercussions some of which we are only just discovering as the reality plays out in front of our eyes!

When a mother's mind has been colonised by race-hierarchy notions

In my last post, I didn't want to go into detail about how racism in white mothers (whether vestiges of it or the full blown variety) can damage mixed race daughters, because that would require a whole book in itself. BWE writers have also written about this issue in the past, especially about how the self esteem of daughters with father's who idolize white women can take a trouncing. A commenter on my last blog post however drew attention to a slightly different angle on the subject of colorism and race hierarchy with mothers and daughters.

She wrote

I was going on a date with this guy I met online and had figured I'd show my mother a video of him doing a sport that he does well in, when she asked me if I was sure that he wouldn't want to date a popular young white girl instead of me since he seemed popular himself.

I told her to not reflect her insecurities on me; which also brought me to sometimes question who needs enemies when I could just have a mother like mine. She is much lighter than me with long hair which has caused a lot of black men to fetishize her in the past. And although I'm her daughter I have always made better choices than her even when I made mistakes. I know that apart of her can't understand why my dark nappy headed self is living a better life than her and how on earth do I find white men that like to date me. She will sometimes convince herself it's because of my "smaller lips" or some other preconceived "white feature" when I in reality have typical African features.

Clearly this shows the kind of battle that many black girls who have mothers who have essentially internalized their oppression or who accept and revel or trade in the idolization of their 'whitish' features, by the black social structure and black men and thus become threatened when there is an 'order change.' From a young age, these black girls have to understand and recognize the disease that is in the mind of their mothers/fathers or the parental structure around them. They are also going to have to find a way to cultivate a real solid self esteem which they themselves are convinced about (not just lip service about loving their lips and hips and all that). This is going to be very hard project because you don’t have the family structure on which to build and reinforce this self esteem, however it does help if the daughter understands and feels that her mother is 'off' when she comes up with her colorist ideas and notions. That feeling will guard this young women until she can get a better understanding of how colorism has infected and damaged her mothers thinking as well as formulate her own solution for cultivating and encouraging her own healthy self esteem.



Congrats to the newly engaged couple Mellody and George!



Until I am convinced otherwise I belive at this stage in our society, the social mobility model has better gains than the modern feminist one

Last week in a guardian newspaper article http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2013/jan/25/joanna-lumley-foolish-rape-drunken-feet a staff writer took umbrage at suggestions from a well known British Actress that young ladies should behave with decorum and particularly with their safety in mind when out on the town. That bit of advice was just a small part of an interview the actress granted a newspaper but this writer took the small bit and built a whole case against the actress, accusing her of blaming women for rape etc

Now look at the suggestion made by the actress:

"Don't look like trash, don't get drunk, don't be sick down your front, don't break your heels and stagger about in the wrong clothes at midnight," she says. "Don't be sick in the gutter … in a silly dress with no money to get a taxi home, because somebody will take advantage of you, either they'll rape you, or they'll knock you on the head or they'll rob you."

Now I believe to fellow BWE (and any one with two brain cells in their heads) the suggestions above are not offensive in fact they are just common sense, however it appears that there is a branch of modern feminism (a strong and very vocal one at that) that disallows this kind of common sense talking to women (and it has even begun to affect many men who now feel they have to prove their 'progressive credentials' by touting louder than others, the various trendy feminist tropes and notions!). The net effect is that our daughters are now existing in vacuums where every bit of functional and common sense advice is gradually being sucked out because women and girls...what’s the current intellectual parlance they use...ah yes 'should not have their behaviour 'policed'', or we should not 'victim blame'. They have to be left alone to be and do whatever they want (at the same time government and tax payers must gladly foot the bill to repair them after any and every misadventure).

A commenter to the article had this to say:

Tanya would not be at all concerned about her own daughter's safety in this scenario, and would privilege her daughter's freedom to make bad choices above advising her against such stupidity, then she would be a pretty crap parent. Hence I presume she has no daughters.

If you ask me, modern feminism has begun to founder on the principles of 'women should not be judged', don’t shame or criticise a woman which is deemed 'policing' women, which ends up simply being 'do not say anything about how a woman chooses to be'. This is a strange place for feminism to be because everyone, every structure, every society needs a bit of criticism to make for more effectiveness (and I think living effectively should be a key goal for women). For instance even though it could be said that men retain the social privilege to 'whore around' they are mocked and criticized for chasing woman after woman, after woman and never settling down. Men are criticised for consuming pornography, testosterone fuelled antics including war, aggression, exploitation of the earth’s resources etc etc. How is it then, that women's behaviour and activities are disallowed any scrutiny? Why should women not be pulled up on their actions and activities especially when we can see that certain actions are to their detriment. Are we going to continue with this binary framing of women are victims (so must never be criticised or held responsible for anything) and men are the victimizers (so we can aim as many and as much criticism their way).

As far as I am concerned there should be space given in society for criticising personal choices especially if and when these impact on others. A woman who has children she cannot take care of or brings children into an insecure domestic situation needs to be asked to take a look at the likely outcomes of her choices.

No one is born with all the knowledge they will need to successfully live out the whole of their lives and that is why there is need for criticism which to be simply put, means showing how certain choices and options can be detrimental or ineffective protocols for running ones life.

I believe the feminist model comes into its own when addressing the most basic and fundamental rights of women including combating misogyny, the right of women to control reproduction, equal payment for equal jobs. Feminism is good in doing the ground work for women's progress, but beyond the fight for the basic rights and equality for women, I am now scratching my head as to what use it is beyond that, especially when I am constantly coming across overreactions like the above article. This is why I am in firm support for feminism in developing areas of the world where women don’t even own their own bodies. I think there is a threshold beyond which feminism in the west becomes all about picking fights and offence vigilance.

Social Mobility Model contd

 

Next blog post available from 16th Feb

My e-books are now available on Amazon. Please click on the corresponding links below for more info.

First Steps to Personal Empowerment
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Do Black Women in Afros
Date White Guys?
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Supposing I wanted to
Date a White Guy...?
Buy Here or Buy at Amazon

 

Motherhood: the issues between black daughters and their mothers

I have written the past, about how I am convinced black girls are being starved of the necessary motherly worldly wisdom that would enable them to grow to navigate the world with success, essentially improving theirs and the social situation of successive generations.

I believe the key factor here is that many of these mothers really don’t have the necessary knowledge themselves to be able to guide themselves let alone their daughters. Many don’t know how this society we live in runs. In the UK for instance daughters of first generation immigrants are now fully established in the work force. But their parents where not very successful in establishing themselves in the middle class (racism being the key factor however many overlooked or ignored opportunities to improve their own situation like owning property when it was well within their reach and even establishing businesses so as to not be too dependent on government jobs). The result is that their children are having to find their feet in a society and social order without any guidance and direction from those who have gone before.

Life as a widower: Tribute to a beautiful wife

Even without the immigration factor, considering that far too many black girls give birth when they are to all intents and purposes children themselves, it is not a real surprise that they are not effectively instructing their daughters.

I am also increasingly coming across black women who have tortuous and fractured relationships with their mothers, coming across women who talk about how their mothers didn’t support them as women growing into their womanhood and how they didn’t or couldn’t assist them navigate the major issues that beset them as black women living in a majority white culture. In all fairness I think many of these mothers where themselves confronted with a situation that stumped them too, many didn’t know what hit them when they set foot in the West from the Caribbean and Africa! They probably had the very same issues around black womanhood in a majority white culture, as did their daughters and didn’t know who to turn to, and definitely didn’t even take up fully the role that should fall to them of guiding and directing their daughters. I believe many withdrew or became depressed at a time of life when as adults they would normally have been in a stable and knowledgeable position to offer guidance to their daughters. I think the tendency of black mothers especially in the UK to bury themselves in all things black and not venture beyond the black social milieu (and not seem to realise there is life beyond the black borders) has something to do with the cold shock and maybe inability to come up with a successful plan of integration. Real fearful experiences may have made them simply poke their heads back into the comfort zone of black spaces and never attempt to come out again. Unfortunately the legacy is that their daughters who have to integrate white spaces in order to make it in today's society, are braving it all alone which has resulted in hard feelings from some daughters towards their mothers.

In terms of fragmented and complicated relationships between black mothers and their daughters, this issue was really illuminated for me when I watched a program about survivors of violent crime last summer.

Among the people interviewed was a young black lady who lost her sister and her cousin in a drive by shooting - one of the first of its kind in the UK in which there were multiple female victims. I remember what struck me most about her case was how when asked, her mother admitted that she had never really sat down and put her arms round her daughter and had a heart to heart about their loss. It was clear that ten years on, her daughter had not healed to any extent; her demeanour and posture and the fact that she couldn’t even lift her face to the camera said it clearly. When the mother was pressed as to why she had not ever sat down to talk about the loss with her daughter, she said something that really shocked me. She said that she didn’t want her daughter to 'lean' on her in her grief! I was stunned. In other words her daughter had to take care of herself even though she was a teenager when her sister was killed. This I guess speaks to the many discussions we have had on how black women are seen as little soldiers (even from and early age), issues of strong and hard wearing black womanhood, the lack of compassion for black women and girls displayed even by immediate family, and black women being expected to get on with life without care and nurture even as they come across life-crushing experiences.

I was blown away by that one. Even though she no doubt had her own grief to bear, I couldn’t understand how a mother couldn’t find it in herself to reach out to her only surviving daughter to comfort her. A mother resenting that she would have to console her daughter, now that was a shocker to me.

As an aside, I clearly saw that contributing to this young ladies damage was the fact that she remained immersed in the black community and the dysfunctional response to the incident (as you can well imagine within the black community), was not helping matters for her. Indeed not only was the crime carried out by young black lads also she and her family were being gossiped about and blamed for the incarceration of the criminals (as I said dysfunctional response).

I cant say I don't see and come across black women who are in some way damaged and very resentful for being left to fend for themselves when they were vulnerable especially when they know their mothers should have been there for them. A lot of black women however do not realize they have issues of resentment with their mothers, and the cult of veneration of motherhood and nothing but the utmost respect for elders is possibly preventing them from both recognising and resolving the issue through admitting their disappointment, and justified anger.

Well add race to the mix here and we could indeed write reams about the fractures that occur between mixed race daughters and their white mothers.

In all this we can ask, where are the fathers?

I do focus on mothers because I think there is a specific sort of training that mothers will need to give their daughters so they can be successful in the area of relationships and child rearing. I look at how Jewish mothers put a lot of effort into enabling their daughters make their way successfully In society. I find many black mothers don’t even take the time to prepare their daughters to be well behaved and to show and emphasize how necessary it is to be personable and win friends,mentors, champions and allies as they go out into the world. Black daughters are on their own and by trail and error they finally put together some working plan on how to get on in society but this is often not without bad falls and resulting scars including brushes with the law, failure at relationships or failure to have relationships, teenage unplanned pregnancy etc etc.

My advice to anyone who feels that they have not had much of necessary motherly guidance in specific areas, is to identify the area and get a mentor, get an instruction book or sign up for a course. As I always say, you must spend on the areas of your deficiency and build this area up with focus and effort.

Next blog post available from 31st January

My e-books are now available on Amazon. Please click on the corresponding links below for more info.

First Steps to Personal Empowerment
Amazon

Do Black Women in Afros
Date White Guys?
Amazon




Supposing I wanted to
Date a White Guy...?
Buy Here or Buy at Amazon