How can black women escape the Walls that are 'closing in'?

I recieved this email from a commenter. This is preview of coming attractions for black women who prefer the ostrich position.

Hi Halima, I went to a wedding Saturday and it was really amazing to see that what you have been talking about all along is becoming so evident! The groom was Black and the bride was White. The brides family consisted of her mom and dad and many other family members. The grooms family was his mom and some aunts and cousins. Well if you have been to a wedding they have the bride and grooms family seated up front and sectioned off from the rest. Just seeing the groom's mom sitting up their all alone made me feel so sad!!

I mean the groom had several groomsmen all were Black except one. Most of these Black men had White wives or girlfriends.

Several members of the guest were Black men that had white girlfriends. As I was just looking around the room at the reception, it was easy to get a sense of all these Black men sort of "flocking" around White women and just really all up in their faces, while it seemed like Black women were just second class citizen or inferior beings left alone.

Now, the grooms mother has several sisters and one of them is married to a Black man and they have been married for almost 50 years. She finally went up to sit with the grooms mother during the ceremony. That just really got to me and made me sad, so sad! There was one Black woman and White man couple. They sat in the back and it was hard at first to see they were a couple. They didn't hold hands and were kinda reserved.

Halima, how do we make Black women get out of this Fix?

How do we play the feminine card?

How do we let White Men and other races of men know we are interested on a grander platform (let the whole world know).

I think we should have a meet-n-greet to sit down and come up with some ideas and solutions for the Black women who are already on board with IR but just need help or don't know quite how to "turn the tables".

I realized that it is a lot of table that have to get turned to really let the world know we are ready to compete on a global level. How do we do that Halima? White Men are afraid to let it show. I know we are a part of the problem but they are the other part.

I know this was long but I had to get it off my chest. Any ideas and insight would be greatly appreciated.

 

Do readers have any suggestions for black women both on a group level and on an individual level?

 

It is indeed clear that years of inaction, denial and pretending not to see the walls closing in has resulted in this uncomfortable wedged in situation getting more and more acute for black women each day.

 

I am not even sure that anything can be done on a grandscale for the situation of black women in the short term because many years will be needed to repair the crazy dynamics and the damage to the image done and even being done now. However feel free to add any comments and suggestions on this one!

 

Also if you want to send in questions and concerns around bw and non-bm and their interractions for general discussion, do so to the email below.

 

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Questions to be sent to: relationshipadvice@dateawhiteguybook.com

The phrase, 'We as a community'...

I have had reason to ask, what do black women/people mean when they use this phrase? It is a phrase used constantly across the blogosphere and black discussion portals, even in real life gathering of black folk. I mostly see it being used by black women (though not exclusively) but more times enough for me to wonder about it's usage.

There are a number of variants of this phrase; 'we as a people', 'we as blacks', 'we as a community' or simply 'we'.

The reason why I am on this phrase today, is because I am wondering how these black women using it are picturing the so called community.

This phrase seems to suggest a community of active man and woman, organized around their interests, maybe fallen into a little slumber but still 'conscious' enough with the ability to be 'roused' into a functional pose especially with such a phrase 'reminding' them of what they should be about/do. When 'we as a community' is used it conjures up an image of a body of black males and females still in a 'conscious' and organizable mode, just needing a little 'tap' to snap them back into their 'rightful mind' (Ezekiel and the valley of dry bones comes to mind here!).

Apparently these women are seeing something different to what I see around me and what I know to be true about the real state of this so called 'community'.

In truth, you and I know that the community to all intents and purposes, consists of a group of struggling black women, mostly single and a significant portion single mothers, under an immense load of responsibily and single handedly being charged with sustaining the black community and now, they have to get busy with this addition injunction, being suggested immediately after the application of that phrase, 'we as a people'!

Bless them, the community we keep speaking about is really black women struggling to keep the dream of a black race alive, nothing more, even as the users of such phrases try to conjure in us an image of the days when there was a cohesive group of men and women who did respond to such charges to do whatsoever for the wellbeing of their race. Maybe that is what this is, a phrase to remind us of our former greatness so we can rise to the occassion! Sadly the fact remains that the charge is simply falling on black women once again.

So lets try a little substitution here, and in place of 'we as a community' let us substitute 'community' for what we know to be true about its true nature, so here goes..

We as a community 'struggling group of black women being the only ones interested and responsive to calls to keep the black race going and already weighed down by the inordinate burden of having to resource the black race alone', need to do XYZ (raise our boys/girls, tackle the criminal elements, build black infrastructure, etc etc).

This is essentially how I translate any such comments containing the phrase 'we as a black community.'

But maybe I am mistaken and someone can enlighten me on what the phrase really is all about and hopes to achieve if not just sound like it is saying something profound, and to both genders while really loading black women down once again!

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The Question Remains...

Do black women really understand the real nature of 'the black community' when they speak so affectionately of ?

I hear black women embrace 'community' with heartfelt emotion whenever they use the term, and I wonder wether these women really understand what they are claiming and embracing to their bossoms!


Expectations from the community for black women

For the sake of community you are supposed to:

• Endure colorism
• Be happy with less than what other women take as bear minimum standard from men
• Let her human rights be trampled on
• Give without expecting to receive anything back
• Endure black male brutality and black community indifference to this brutality
• Endure the black female blaming for whatever goes wrong and whatever action she tries to help the situation out eg OOW
• Hide her bruises, injuries and worries
• Put up with blatant sexism and racio-misogyny expressed in black settings including the black church
• Put up with having the whole weight for the upkeep of black community resting solely on her shoulders
• Deflect bitterness and anger unto other black women who are often doing the best they can with what they are given to work with
• Stone fellow black women if her case threatens to inconveniences black men in anyway
• Put up with being called Hos, Shortie, gold digger, dark butt, bitch etc etc
• Carry grown men on her back and provide endless excuses for their failures
• Cut herself off from broader and less polluted social options and situations
• Give back till your net worth is £5 $5(oops I think the study was in $)
• Live in dangerous neighbourhoods and not think of her own safety and survival as an important factor but embrace the high risk of ending up dead or maimed by the violence characterizing most black majority areas
• Accept aloneness as a necessary and possible outcome of 'service' of your life philosophy
• recieve glorification only through suffering
• No nuture, no succour and no protection
• Given all the responsbilitites of manhood with non of the privileges of malehood

Can readers come up with any other cons and indeed any 'pros' to add so we can see what payoff there is for clinging to the notion of 'Black Community'.


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How Black Women Change their Minds

Over the years I have discovered that black women often follow a perculiar trajectory out of the black matrix belief system (black thought system) that currently holds sway over black women, when they confront the BWE (Black Women Empowernment) thinking. more after the jump!

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What I do know is that society literally invisibalizes thin black women, emphasizes thin white women, invisibalizes fat white women, and emphasizes fat black women. This is nothing new. Therefore, black women are publicized and applauded for being fat while white women are not as visible.


When we prove that we're different from other women, that we're fat when they're thin, that we're strong when they're vulnerable, that we're loud when they are coy, when we're "independent" when they rely on marriage, when we say we are alone when they are loved... it makes others comfortable because we are effectively dehumanized and meant to accept a more degrading/downgraded existence than they are. And of course, others are totally comfortable with this place. When we state that this is positive, we agree with them!


I fully support "curvy" coming back (obviously, this is a personal bias)... But I REFUSE to endorse, support, or acknowledge black women being used as role-models for white female body acceptance and superiority, as is done with Queen Latifah as a Covergirl rep or Hattie McDaniel types in American Cinema. And I wouldn't if I were you, either....Stylized Conclusions
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The steps are:

Step 1: Black woman come into contact with the different view (BWE). Her likely response is outrage (how dare you transgress and disrespect our most sacred symbols and beliefs as black people!).

She however can't seem to dismiss as rubbish or keep away from this 'scandalous ideology' expecially as there are things within it's content that she cannot disagree with. However even as there is the dawning that the 'new' view might be the truth she needs to hear, and that she has been told lies over all these years, fear, and a big fear at that, takes hold.

This fear is particulaly because she begins to see that she might have to abandon the bulk of the black ideology which has anchored her identity, and also take such an action which has been categorized by BTS as an act of treason to her black race.

In addition, what is being suggested by BWE writing ie that she has been the victim of deep coverups and deception and has been betrayed by the black concensus and etc etc, is just too hard to handle that knee jerk rejection of the claims is the first response. Indeed imagine all the elaborate ideas and dreams sown deep into black women's hearts and minds over the years, ideas which have captured the imagination of black women and their passion, and suddenly BWE are sayin it is all a one sided con! Never.

This fear sees her rededicating herself to the 'black thought system' and 'black way' and redoubling her efforts in it, thinking that this is just an issue of her momentarily 'doubting' and a need for her to step up committment and understanding of the BTS argument (all her fault). She is at this stage also more likely to go back to the same gate keepers of the black thought system for reassurance, clarity and to rebuff this 'new' anti black thinking (as she terms it at this point). This is about the fear of breaking disloyalty tabboos, which the black thought system has cleverly enacted for the express purposes of preventing this sort of dissent and revaluation and by going back to the same gate keepers, she is essentially investing in maintaining her denial by giving them a chance to lock her back up in the black matrix thought system. However when black women have 'confronted' the BWE ideology, the seeds are sown.

Step 2: However the disloyalty taboos wears off and the next stage is likely anger at the deception over so many years and so much sacrifice in trying to do the right thing according to the dictates of the black concensus and its thought system.

Strangely the anger is often towards those who are causing her to wake up to the truth. This is mostly the case when a black woman has given so much dedication to race (through following the black thought system devotedly) and would thus prefer to not be woken up to the painful truth.

Step 3: Having watched black women go through this cycle of change for years I believe that some black women (a significant portion) actually go through what I term a 'self-spiting' phase which is characterised by understanding the truth yet insisting on continuing the path that is leading to broken dreams. Black women who rationalize and come up with 'justifications' as to why they 'deserve' to be in the bad way and defeat attempts to pull them free are deep in this self-spiting mindframe. However some black women simply learn to parrot the language and speech patterns of self-spiters eg those black women who come up with reasons why black women are 'underserving' of being married for instance or of having the benefits that other women freely partake in, are examples of those who parrot because they are unthinking (some black women are indeed stuck and cant detach themselves from this way of being), however other black women develop a deep malevolence towards black women and black womanhood which includes themselves and as such, embrace their own demise and become self-mockers!

Indeed I think in this self-spiting stage, some black women are unconsciously punishing themselves for being such fools, while others have understood that what is being asked of them is self annihilatory black patrotism, and have decided to be willing to go along

Step 4: On the other hand, there is the weighing up stage (silent reading and contemplating) with some black women which finally leads to a willlingness to accept a few ‘truths’ that are personally undeniable from the new manner of thinking.

For some black women there will finally be enough discord with the orginal thought system to cross over to the new way of thinking (BWE in this case). However for others they move to a mid ground and do not fully emerge into the BWE thought systems because they possibly have a personal resentment of the message bearers for a raft of reasons which could range from envy (why are they the ones who happened upon this important message or are showing the courage to confront BTS) all the way to resenting the the whole life upheaval caused by their 'teaching'. This mid ground could be a permanant place for many black women. A lot of black women who make a job of attacking or pitching themselves against BWE writers are to be found in this mid ground.

I have to reiterate that a key reason for 'midground settling' is dislike of the messangers and not wanting to 'submit or capitulate' to such message carriers. Nit picking of the BWE message and splitting hairs etc is a well known symptom of this posture which is born of a need to mark themselves out as 'different' to BWE thinking.

Another reason for staying in midground is anger with both sides (for different reasons), and a refusal to talk anymore about the issue, or refusal to hear what any has to say ('I am now my own thinker' etc posture).

Some information on BWE Aims and Objectives

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The wise man and what he discovered...

There was a very wise man who lived in a village in india.

People used to come to hear him talk.

This man was very passionate about his topic and he used to lecture with great gusto. Anyway over the years he honed his topic till there were simply three key points which he was able to deliver in a full day lecture.

He said to himself, 'After this session I am sure that people would have heard all I want to communicate and that will be it, I will go on to other things'.

So he did what he thought was his final lecture.

The next day the same group of people gathered at the same time to hear him speak.

When the man saw the audience gathered he was at loss for what to say to them, so he repeated his last lecture and padded it out a bit with jokes and anecdotes.

The next day again the same folks all turned up, and the wise man repeated his routein.

The next day they turned up again.

It then dawned on the wise man that it didn’t matter what he said, these people were invested in turning up to listen to him and he could be saying anything or nothing but they would still feel a need to turn up. So he became bold.

One day he came in and said very little, the next day he brought a mat and slept through the time, but they all considered his actions wise and profound beyond belief, and were convinced that he was really trying to get across something vital even if his delivery was to sleep through the lecture!

He then begun to disdain them for their stupidity and called them out on it at the next lecture date. They still turned up to listen to him faithfully. He realise then that he could use them for his own amusement and so he did, each and every day they turned up to give him their attention and time and even money and he laughed at, taunted and goaded them to 'get a clue' with every single sentence.

Moral of the story: If you don’t catch a clue people will use you for their own amusement.

Are black men now using black women for their amusement, particularly as black women insist on having 'dialogue' when they have shown in every possible way that 'dialoguing' with black women over anything is the last thing on their list, in fact they are happy for things to remain pretty much the way they are feeding towards their own selfish benefit.

Gain insight into the relationship reality facing black women today, and find out more about the Interracial Option, read the IR E-book


Questions to be sent to: relationshipadvice@dateawhiteguybook.com

Looking for black women who are ready to put away bitterness and put in the effort they need

A Christian approach to a practical problem
When you look at how black women approach the issue of their dating situation you can see clear indications that they are approaching it as a spitirual issue and within a spiritual or spiritual-christian frame work and adopting the spiritual solution of 'faith' and 'hope'. The language of faith and of Hope and of believing God to turn around a situation etc etc or beliving God for a change and 'holding out for your victory' (and the whole inertia that this manner of thinking bestows on black women) is not one that is alien to black women, in fact we are reared on this type of talk and perspective.

Not suprising that when you look at how the wider body of black women approach their situation with black men, it gives off the general sense of applying this faith based approach to a practical problem...particularly the wait bit, the endless waiting and doing nothting practical to alleviate the situation. To me it falls in line with faith approach that is a staple in bw mindset. Faith based solutions to their issues and problems, even if bw are not realising it on a conscious level, are very popular and readily grasped by the black female populace for addressing anything from health problems to practical problem of gender number imbalance in dating whuch would be better served in a clear and straight forward practical way eg, move, expanding dating horizon, etc.

'Waiting on and believing God for a turn around of the situation', 'holding out (for victory)', 'never giving up etc,' maybe 'taking it to the lord in prayer' all these are clearly evidenced in the way black women repsond and are straight from the faith talk rule book. Now there is a long history of the use of a spiritual/christian approach within black culture. However a clear question here is, how does the black woman not adjuting to the current dating reality, but simply ‘trusting God’ (possibly wanting God to make things to go back to how they were with black men 30 years ago), constitiute a 'reasonable response' to their situation, that will bring them a desired outcome. How does ‘taking it to the lord in prayer’, help especially when God himself is no respector of persons and probably knows he has made enough provision for black women seeking mates, black women who however prefer to put God in a 'box' and confine God's response to fidning them a man who is black only. Indeed was it not Peter who was instructed to choose his fare from the whole range of animals (symbolic for taking the gospel to all of humanity), and told that 'what God had made clean, no one should call unclean'?

Indeed looking at the reaction and behaviour of black women especially those of the christian tradition, you would think white men are not also 'washed by the blood' as the next black person, an erroneous and unchristian belief which they will pay a high price for holding unto. As someone once said, 'God will not bless your mess!'

Adapt or Die
Shopping on the highstreet (as we call it) yesterday, I was so suprised at how many shops were closing down or had closed down. I was also amazed at how many folk where out there in the street aggressively selling, handing out leaflets promising discounts and trying to undercut the next shop!

The message is simple, ADAPT or DIE.

The root of bitterness seems to have taken hold in many black women even those who believe they are really trying to get on with life now they see clearly what they have to do. I believe this bitterness permeates how many of them approach the solutions that they see in front of them. The endless heel dragging, resistance and resentment of the fact that they now have to 'do something', or 'adjust to the new realities,' is evidence of this bitterness. Ever since the BWE message came to black women, we have been fighting a upswell of resentment of black women against 'adapting' to their changed situation.

It seems we are dragging black women kicking and screaming into the 21st century dating reality, there is this resistance to updating the protocol necessary to secure their future, constant whinning about how unfair life is to black women (as if they had just arrived in the west and come to know racism for the first time). It just shows how much of a bubble black women have been in, really disconnected them from reality!

It is amazing that when black women where under the impression that 'black men where there for them', they were happy to 'strive' towards finding themselves a black man (do their hair, keep their junk, burn their bridges with any other man etc, go up and chat to him, steal them from others, pick them up for dates, move them into their own flats etc etc). Now black women are confronting a new dating reality they are resenting greatly having to 'adjust' and align to the new dating arena. They refuse to do anything to reposition themselves, and there is all this hair splitting over what constituets bending over backwards for white men. This I suppose speaks to the racial resentment which black women are carrying 'intact' with them into the broader dating arena.

Black women will go out of their way to appeal to black men but are (because of their still strong feelings of the right and proper ways to conduct themselves with race in the equation), repulsed by the notion of doing anything to appeal to white and other non black men.


If you live further from the well, you wake up 10 mins earlier
On the other hand, many black women who are genuinly willing to do something to secure their future, are fearful and complaining that the stakes are weighed heavily against them in the dating arena and are bemoaning their fate and wringing their hands and saying it is impossible for them, life is so unfair etc, yet to me what they see as an insurmountable situation, amounts to just having to wake up ten minutes earlier then everyone else and putting in an extra 10mins effort each day.

Is it fair? No, but who cant wake up 10 mins earlier?

The Mindset of the Extra Mile
But let me also add this, we have to be people of 'more than it takes,' and of doing over and beyond not just enough, because just enough often works out to be less than it takes, but if you do more than enough you have something in hand!

The reason why many black children are suffering and their lives blighted etc is because black people adopt the protocol of 'just about enough,' or 'I will hope for the rest.'

I believe Jesus spoke about this when he said, 'go the extra mile'. When you are in the mindset of 'the extra mile' you do not worry that, 'it might not add up'. There are all sorts of ways this transaltes into practical terms, if 1800 calories will keep you at your ideal weight, why not drop to 1750 or 1700, plan to arrive 15 mind ahead of your appointment!

 It wouldn’t kill any black woman to put in what amounts to 10 mins more effort to the day.


Articles about black women and marriage
I get tired as the rest of black womanhood about the latest 'black women are alone' article, however there is a problem with black women being alone, wether this be uncomfortable to admit or not! That a generation of black women will hardly marry and many will not procreate is newsworthy, and I'd rather the news reports etc continue, than black women be kept in the darks over the real deal.

Indeed the silence and media blackout maintained within black circles before now, has been the reason why it has reached this epidemic proportion. Lets face it, Ebony and Essence where not interested in telling black women their marriage rates where plummting in time for the trend to be arrested. No, they let the frog stay in boiling water (applying the faith approach of hoping and having faith the situation would turn around but more like burying heads in the sand). So if other folks are doing the honors then let them!

Regardless of how much I 'wince' over the articles and the positioning of black women as ...well umammariagebale, I am hoping more black women will, 'wake up' with these articles and ask, 'Why indeed am I waiting and for whom?' and 'How can I ensure I dont end up one of the statistics?'

Spilling their 'guts' for sympathy
And what is this about black women in public forums trying to explain why we are in the situation/spilling their guts to wider parties as if they care. THEY DON’T. Why cant black women get it, that others just don’t care! There is no general narrative out there in the public space that encourages ‘sympathy’ for black women and her condition, and in addition, many factions are actively working to keep the situation as it is, so that black women do not get to have any piece of this very important public sympathy, which is a currency as it can easily translate into all sorts of policy changes and redirection of resources towards black women.

The constructed discourses out there have told and taught people to not ‘stop’ and contemplate what black women are experiencing nor extend any sympathetic concern in fact, in some quatres black women are seen to be having it sooooo good, that is when they are not themselves busy victimizing the poor henpecked black man or the sensitive little white woman. It is one of the reasons why we black women are ‘kept’ in a particular uncomplimentary narrative, acting out roles that reinforce the notion that we should get no sympathy and dont deserve it. Indeed general sympathy easily translate into all sorts of practical benefits, which folk are fighting tooth and nail to prevent black women from getting.

Here it is plainly again, ‘Others don’t care about the black woman's plight, and want to maintain a situation where the wider community continues to not care or overlook black women's situation.' So stop crying and spilling your guts in public forums. Many of the other factions are pretending to be listening and in ‘honest discussion’ with you but they are enjoying seeing you upset and sad and of course working yourself into a froth trying to explain how it is, so they can show you just how little they care, and yet black women persist with the ‘explaining’, thinking 'they will get it!

No you the black women needs to 'get it' that they have no intention of ‘getting it.’

I know some black women think that they can 'let it all hang out' like other women, and that they should be free to. Well you are free to no doubt but you will pay a price so high for that.

Gain insight into the relationship reality facing black women today, and find out more about the Interracial Option, read the IR E-book


Questions to be sent to: relationshipadvice@dateawhiteguybook.com

A few Thoughts to mull over (Update)

Its shapping up to be a very busy summer and I might be taking extended breaks however before all that I have a few thoughts to share

Asian Man's Perspective of how BW continue to not get it!


A well known Misogynist being touted as the latest 'black love guru'
In the UK, there is a new black love guru who is helping black women find that elusive black man. He will remain nameless, but I remember once being in a meeting where he was in attendance and where he stood up to make a statement that was very revealing of the 'deep well', of disdain he has for the client group he is selling to, and that is black women.

He said something to the effect of, 'Black women used to play hard to get and make black men work and now they were being paid back in their own coin.' He was cut off before he could round off his point but this was essentially what he said! I recently opened up a black publication to see him touted as the next black John Gray. Once again I was reminded how it is that black women have lost the ability to discern, and pick up when there is malicious intent being directed towards them because they filter eveything through, 'black people/man can only come from a positive place' lets recieve/embrace/open ourselves to whatever he has.

Anyway there was something else that stood out to me from his statement. I realize that black men are using their now strong bargaining position re black women to renegotiate all the long laid down dynamics and norms that have stabilized society over thousands of years.

Indeed most societies have taken great pains in ensuring that men pursue their activities in ways that largely lends to the advancement of their communities (anything from manhood rites to virginity in women can be seen to link into preserving family structure). Here we have a situation however where a group of men are now in a position to be able to say, 'We no longer want to follow these constraints but operate 'runaway manhood' i.e manhood at their total discretion, and they are able to successfully have their way to the extent that they are offering very little to the women and the community they lean so much on .

His whole statement stayed with me and stayed in that 'filed to mull over' place because i felt it was revealing of something deep in terms of a shift in attitudes. Indeed, it is normal in every culture I know of, for men to chase women, and for men to win over women and for women, to make men work for their affection or play hard to get in other words. But here was this 'Love Guru' trying to make black women feel guilty for what is a normal practice. But this isnt an isolated case, as I too have had the experience of being chided for not declaring a full and utter attraction to a certain black man in the past.

The thing here however is that when black women accept the renegotiated terms, it ends up messing up the dynamics between the black genders so bad that even these men become 'unsatisfied' with the resulting situation, making it a no win situation for black women who decide to 'adjust' to the demands.

Very few men cherish and maintain an interest in women that drop into their laps even as they readily take up all and every easy option presented. Usually, watchful elders, who can see more long term, advice the women against catering to men in this potentially disasterous way, but because in the black community, black men are viewed as 'not liable to respond as men would generally do' (even as they continue to clearly do just that) but would respond to the situation as 'brothas' would (read: benevolently), black elders are likely to be the ones championing the idea of black women 'adjusting' to the demands!

The messed up dynamics that currently exists in the black dating arena is one key reason why BWE/IR writers urge black women to seriously prospect beyond the black dating sector.

Gain insight into the relationship reality facing black women today, and find out more about the Interracial Option, read the IR E-book


Questions to be sent to: relationshipadvice@dateawhiteguybook.com