Don’t get used as a tool for other peoples battles

Many of us are easily be grabbed by our emotions and deployed for the use of winning the battles of others who have hidden schemes and agenda (that don’t profit us one bit) lying below the surface. Over and over again I see black women fall into this trap. Because we feel harshly treated and victimized by society we tend to project our feelings of the injustice unto others and the situation they are undergoing, reading their situation as the same oppression and victimization like we are suffering. We rush into battle for them because they are like a proxy of our situation. This particular response of black women has been used against us to our great detriment.

Many years ago I worked with a woman who had this ongoing litigatious campaign against the company we both worked for. I think she was an anti-capitalist of some type who was just out to undermine companies, one after another in her grand scheme to impose a different social order. No one knew about it till she had sprung into action and launched a series of industrial tribunal cases against the organisation. She used to go around collecting 'evidence' and grievances from unsuspecting staff who she would then cite in her latest complaint without them even being aware they were about to be asked to answer for themselves. You can imagine how this could suddenly put the career prospects of a hard working staff who had no prior issues with management in jeopardy. By the time she left she had taken down about three other staff members whose situation within the organisation became untenable, many were long term workers who fell for her sob stories and curious ability to charm and win over folk.

Even though I believed she was a bit 'off' and tended to avoid her and her overtures for me to jump on the 'grievance' train I still had some sympathy. I framed the issue as 'The big bad corporation crushing its lowly put upon workers'. One day during a 'union' meeting someone said, 'What happens when this company folds because she wins a multimillion pound lawsuit'. Do you know that faster than you could say 'zombie followers', my priorities suddenly straightened out. In a flash I saw the critical issues at hand and what was at stake where before I had been overcome by her cry baby antics and my imposing of the 'victimized worker against evil capitalist corporation' frame on the situation. The truth was if she was awarded a substantial sum the company would fold and with it the jobs of over 27 staff members!

Love Damian Hirst's Art Design for the Olympic Stadium 

We have to be careful about imposing popular framing on every situation without doing investigation into the facts. There are folk out there framing narratives and creating memes about issues so that the lazy 21^stcentury western citizen will vote, organise or oppose issues based on their quick imposition of these readily circulating view points. You cannot be naïve in today’s society, in fact there is no excuse, because it is relatively easy to seek and find clarity on any issue. Folks who have less than progressive intentions are co-opting civil rights, freedom of speech, gender equality and all sorts of other progressive ideals to further their own agenda.

Stop letting your emotions get the best of you.

Not every crying person is a victim, not every battle is a 'civil rights' battle which should be taken up and embraced by black people because 'we know how it feels'. Some people are rightly being brought to justice, are rightly being scrutinized or opposed for their views.

When I gave it some thought, I realized that this particular worker never did any work, she was forever chatting, doing other stuff on the computer, rejecting management direction and directives. There was even talk of a mental illness but no matter, she did eventually win a big payout after many years and an upheld appeal. The amount appeared as a debt in the company's statement of accounts for many years till it was finally cleared off. Now that there is a backlash against Wall Street and greedy corporations it will favor litigatious employees and career grievance collectors, your company could be at risk.

So we finally saw what she was about but it was too late. I still wonder why we were so taken in to the point were a number lost their jobs to an obvious trouble makers antics. My conclusion is that because the company is set up to work around 'social justice,' accusations of discrimination and victimization would elicit a strong response in many of us staff who would then forget to think and be objective. Indeed as an organisation the whole personal responsibility side of things was discredited and seen as victim blaming. It just took one person shouting discrimination, sexism etc to plug into our blind spots and emotions.

I want to emphasis that I am not saying that we have run out of civil rights issues that need addressing, bit we have to be careful that others are not manipulating us into serving their interests to our own detriment.

Be Knowledgeable

Read broadly - if you are an all-round knowledgeable person who has the basics when it comes to most most relevant and current social issues from finance to global warming, your broad base understanding can provide some protection against being easily taken in.

London Olympics is Over, It was amazing, I am exhausted...

The Queen arrives for the Olympic opening ceremony

I know I should put down a few thoughts about the London 2012 Olympics but I am emotionally exhausted from cheering- and laughing and crying -on the best of British! Let me just say it brought out the best in everyone in such an amazing and never to be matched way, I absolutely loved every minute and was happy to play a small part in selection of volunteers who really made the games giving thousands of hours for free to sort out lost americans, and hand out free ice-lollies. They did us all proud...

...even the weather behaved itself.
over to you Rio!

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You dont have to dignify every discussion and comment

Happy Last Week of the Olympics, Team GB is doing Brits Proud, I am sitting at my computer frantically checking sites to see if I can get a couple of tickets so I can get down to the Olympic Park!
if anyone knows any helpful info please hit me up by email   ;-)

Meanwhile Rosario Dawson dates Danny Boyle (Oscar winning Director of Olympic Opening Ceremony)
courtesy Daily Mail 

Post begins...

The truth is that a lot of black folk are engaged in unproductive and downright useless discussions and past times. The fact that some rapper somewhere said something doesn’t mean it deserves any attention or critical analysis as is quite often devoted to the rubbish that proceeds from the mouth of a good bunch of people identifying themselves as in this 'job' role.

I am all about social commentary and calling people in the public sphere out when it is necessary, but I was disappointed when Allison Samuels decided to make a big story over some twitter personality somewhere in some corner of the web and her comments about Gabby Douglas's hair. Well I guess she has to write something as a journalist, but I still wonder why some nonentity talking BS somewhere should capture headlines.

We do not need to dignify every rubbish with a response and with an article!

So someone somewhere said Gabby's hair needed to be adjusted to their aesthetic taste...well NEWS FLASH, idiots abound on twitter. There is no reason to turn foolish uttering into legitimate/valid argument by giving them any focus. What next, giving voice to folk who say black women should not be allowed out of their houses?

Congratulations Gabby

Allison Samuels article seemed to want to use the commentary to once again to blame 'the white social system' yet in 2012, black women do not have this justification/excuse for their foolish utterings about their own features.

I can imagine there must be a thousand folks now lining up to make their own foolish comments about black women's features etc, knowing that it might well be the thing to give them their fifteen minutes of fame.

What black women must learn

One of the greatest challenges of our modern era is to know how to manage information and we sure are swamped with it! Billions of data coming at you each day, vying for your attention, and most of it is unproductive or can lead you up unproductive alleys and diverted from applying yourself for your own betterment.

A lot of it is brain clutter.

Some scientist have conceptualized certain information areas in our brain as vessels that fill up with information over the course of the day and these areas then empty out when you sleep. This is why you do your best thinking and learning in the mornings and morning hours are best devoted to intellectually tasking projects while routine tasks can be done on autopilot later in the day. Notice that at some point in the day, you cannot think as well, or you just cannot think creatively over problems/issues (this is more likely as you get older)
.

Do you sometimes notice that it is in the morning that 'ideas' occur to you especially about things that have been bugging you previously and you could not think of an answer to. Simply clicking on and reading all sorts of stuff (useless), takes up short term and medium term memory space (afterall you can remember what Kanye West said, or the latest utterance of Nene, so data is being stored whether you know it is and whether you believe you are doing something mindless or not), which then will need to be offloaded overnight before the space is available again for something productive!

Some of us feel that because it costs us nothing financially to 'click' on a webpage and read 10 minutes of something or other (a link from facebook for instance) then there is nothing lost. The truth is that more is lost than you could ever imagine. If in doubt add up the time you have so far lost this year from mindless surfing and you will see that you have lost the time it would have taken to write 2 books, the time you needed to learn how to run your own website, how to paint, learn how to trade shares even set up and manage your own business.

There are things that don’t require your attention and emotional investment. A black woman who is focussed on making a success of life will have to devise her own template and filter for sorting information and a brutal criteria for eliminating information that is just of no immediate value or use to her even if the information is somewhat useful!

Instead of giving even 10 seconds to the latest screed said by someone somewhere, why don’t you start working on your Nobel prize invention. Too many of us are distracted by foolishness to ever pursue and live our dreams. Get on with being productive in life, stop responding to and listening to everything and anything.

How do you manage information?

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Have the right attitude to advice and advice givers

Many of us do not know how to receive advice.

We maintain an adversarial posture towards advice and the advice givers in our lives, giving finally a half-hearted, begrudging acceptance of the knowledge offered. Often we proceed to not pick at the advice to find holes instead of seeing the information as a nugget to spark our imagination and being creative in applying the information. Ultimately because we 'resent' the giver, we never use the advice to our benefit and to take our lives to the next level. I believe this is karmic; treat the adviser with contempt and disdain, and you wont benefit from what they offer. There is a 'transfer' that happens from the knowledgeable to the seeker of knowledge and it just does not happen without the right attitude.

I believe this wrong attitude is in part a result of black people being under the tutelage of the left, which has done a fair bit to 'disabled' appropriate attitudes and responses towards social betters in fact we are not supposed to acknowledge that there is anything like social, economic and physical superiority between people, 'because we are all suppose to be on the same level you see, no social hierarchy'. A kind of resentment of those who have implemented successful life strategies seems to be a constant reaction among black folk.

The sad thing is that this mindset is actually damaging to the person harbouring this attitude, because it holds them back and prevents them from becoming, in time, as good as or even better than the person from whom they took advice.

The The fostered idea of, 'don’t show deference to anyone' seems to control some people that they have a hard time even acknowledging the soundness of the advice or offering a thank you.

Have you ever reacted in the following ways to someone offering you advice:

1) 'If I listen to her, it means she's better than me'

2) 'I can see she is making sense, but I want her to know that its not like she is some 'expert,' after all, look at the holes A, B, C in what she is saying'

3) 'She is right but I don’t want her to feel she is like some 'big deal' or something, so I will screw up my face/act like I am not fully embracing the idea'.

You are not diminished in anyway by saying 'thank you' and 'please' rather your humanity is fostered. Being grateful and appreciative, points to an ability to recognise good fortune. If a person cannot see and appreciate good fortune...well they might as well be animals. Seeking, and when finding, appreciating good fortune is what life is all about!

I must add here that, '...after all our parents built this country, this is only me claiming what I am due...' is not the 'right' attitude towards help from a white person.

I want to share a personal experience on how a change in attitude helped me get the best out of a situation. I have a gym instructor who is younger and a lot fitter and thinner. I had a 'block' to many of the workout routines she suggested maybe because they seemed ridiculous or pulled from the air sometimes. One day I looked at her and thought to myself, 'Now Halima, as far as exercise is concerned, she is your guru. You must bow your heart and mind towards her suggestions'.

That day, when I made that decision the workout was one of my best, and I soon begun to see the 'results' of my change of mind to one of more acceptance and deference to her knowledge.

Guru
From Wikipedia
As a noun the word means the imparter of knowledge (jñāna; Also Persian: Dāna). As an adjective, it means 'heavy,' or 'weighty,' in the sense of "heavy with knowledge,"^[2] heavy with spiritual wisdom,^[3] "heavy with spiritual weight,"^[4] "heavy with the good qualities of scriptures and realization,"^[5] or "heavy with a wealth of knowledge."^[6] The word has its roots in the Sanskrit gri (to invoke, or to praise), and may have a connection to the word gur, meaning 'to raise, lift up, or to make an effort'.^[7]

I am not asking anyone to hang flower garlands round the picture frame of any person who has blessed you with advice, but be appreciative, deferential. Be a worthy receiver. Don’t be among those who don’t know how to receive advise with openness, appreciation and with humility, and with enough self-assurance to know that they are not diminished in anyway by being on the receiving end of another's wisdom.

RIP Donna Summer
Out of all the divas she was my best...still in shock

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The Blog was infected

My apologies to anyone who was confronted by a virus on this blog today. An infestation of an email fed this blog with the virus. I hope all of you protect your computers at all times. Please do.


Halima

Our young black girls are living in toxic environments

A couple of weeks ago I received an email letter from a young black school girl and the email highlighted for me again the real rough situation that exists for our young black girls who are schooling and living around black boys, how these black girls are having their self-esteem eroded just by being around black boys and their antics.

We have spoken about this situation from time to time, and indeed whenever I am around school girls and boys I can sense and see this situation playing out among them.

This young lady said that she felt diminished against her white school mates and that even though a black boy had shown her attention and they were 'dating', she couldn’t get rid of the insecurity she felt, that she wasn’t pretty enough (compared to the white and other girls he used to date), and that he was poised to 'leave her for a white girl' at any moment. Essentially she was asking herself, 'why is he with me.'

I felt very sad at this. There used to be a time when black women didn’t feel intimidated by white or other women no matter what. What has become of our rock solid self-belief that we are the finest thing on Gods earth. So while our attention has been elsewhere, self-esteem has been leaching away from our young ladies to this dreadful point where they don’t feel confident in the among the gathering of women.

I told her that I knew why she was feeling insecure and it was because of the antics of the black boys around chasing every other type of girls but black and with white and other guys essentially sticking to their race (as is the norm at that age apart from black boys and the white girls they chase), that this situation was eroding her confidence. She agreed with my assertions.

She also mentioned that black girls in her class sat around and hankered after the black boys saying that black boys are their preference. Imagine that, a preference strong and unyielding at 13!

I told her that this was an artificial preference created in their minds and maintained by their actions.

'It is important to get away from black girls who are fixating on black boys. By fantasizing about black boys only, your black girl friends are actually creating this 'artificial preference' for black boys without realizing it, because they can just as easily find other boys (Indian, Chinese, white etc) attractive if they let themselves, just as you now know you can.'

I further explain:

'Your friends are responding to black community pressures to only validate and affirm the masculinity of black boys and never look beyond them, without even knowing it! And they are unconsciously fixing a ball and chain around their ankles which will hurt them in the long run. If black boys were equally fantasizing about black girls then it would make sense for black girls to be doing it too, but since black boys are not, then this 'hold over' activity from a time when it might have made sense to 'big up' our black men, will harm no one but the black women who practice it. It is like an evolutionary feature on an organism that might have served it under a past evolutionary situation but becomes detrimental in the current one! Do you know how many organisms died out because their habits were not supported in a newer and updated environment.'

I talked about a few ways for her to reconstruct her esteem, including getting out of the environment where black men are in hot pursuit of ww and black girls sit around and hanker after them (because no matter what black girls protest, being around such activities is coroding their self-esteem). Getting away from her social circles and forging other pass times and identities would take her away from the toxic situation.

I am serious in saying to the young black girl out there, if you do not detach and remove yourself from these toxic situations you will be left with a ruined self-esteem and a negative complex about yourself and your looks which you may never get over. No 21st century woman should ever abide by situations that ends up making her feel bad about herself. No matter what she has to do to secure her sanity, she must do it!

 

My advice to young black girls facing this issue:

• 'Unteam' yourself from black boys, mentally and psychologically even if the rest of society wants to group you together. We know society sees black men and women as part of one unit but you must never agree with this. The model of 'black men and black women' has failed and has resulted in great pain for black women who because of this belief continue to keep themselves in a dynamic of doing all the work in this 'imagined' partnership while black men take the free ride. Never in anyway trust that such a partnership or agreement exists between the two genders. To save yourself great distress assume from the off that you and black men have no affinity and alignment, brotherhood, cooperation and pact to be with one another

• Get away from even black girls who are the carriers and maintainers of such ideas as 'black boys are our preference' or 'black boys are the only boys we can/should date'. If they do not and refuse to have an open mind and receptiveness to ALL that the world has to offer, cut them off from your life

• Stop worshipping what black men worship including the light skin singers and entertainers and all women we know black men have selected to uplift because of their nearness to white or their white color. Do not feed this widespread habit of elevating non black women, by buying their music and products no matter how 'banging' their music is or wonderful their products are. The good thing about the 21st century is that you can find equally good products just a click/shop away. Develop other musical tastes if necessary.

• Beauty is not about the lightness of skin (this young lady who sent me an email framed one of her comments in such a way that suggests that in her mind, lightness is synonymous with beauty, and I do believe for a significant portion of young black girls the two things things have now merged in their minds and they fully subscribe to the pretty = light belief)

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Am I crazy for feeling cheated by my Black Ex?

Aloha, very glad to have found your website as I am expecting and a bit stressed. I am a BW now married to a WM, this is my second marriage. My first marriage lasted 16 years to a BM who was military. Very stressful. We have four children together whom he has not contacted in several years racking up 40k in back support. All this from an educated BM who more than had the resources to pay the little ordered and then some. He now has two more children with an Italian/Black woman whom he has not married. I of course am remarried to a WM who has resumed the responsibility of raising my four and our one we will soon have. I don't know if I'm feeling this way because of pregnancy but I'm experiencing feelings of bitterness towards my ex for not sticking around and raising his children especially his only son. I tried to make it easy for him and he just was not interested. I came to the conclusion that while making the babies was fun when it finally came to the very real responsibility of raising his children when he was placed on shore duty it was some he wanted nothing to do with. He of course used most of his time to cheat with non BW and ignore his family. This is a different experience from my now husband who spent most of his time actively looking for a partner to marry and start a family with but failing. Big contrast a lot of bitterness. I'm raising a BM I don't want his behaviour to echo his bio dads. I kinda feel like most BM are not wanting to be family types but WM after an appropriate time see it as a much wanted milestone. Am I crazy?! - M

Aloha M

I dont think you are crazy for feeling cheated by your ex not taking up his responsibilities for your children. Your feelings of guilt at having these emotions however says a lot about the fact that black women are cautioned not to make any demands on black men and not to make life in anyway complicated for black men who need to be free of all obligations and responsbilities. Such is the warning, that when we ask them to carry their own share of any family responsibility, we start to feel guilty and ashamed as if we are imposing on them and not that we are simply requiring them to take up their fair share and as they should.

Stress, pregnancy and hormones has possibly forced to the surface, the repressed anger at yielding to being taken advantage of, and maybe it has forced you to break with the program that you are expected to follow, so now you do not want to continue to be 'reasonable' as expected.

I have noticed that most black families dont groom their male children to 'take over the family business', so to say. In other words black men are raised to dogde any family burdens, tasks or responsibility. They are not raised to see themselves as one day taking up the responsbility of mama and papa (if there is one in the house!). Instead it is assumed that the daughters will step in to ensure that black males have as unencumbered a life and lifestyle as possible. Sadly black men do what they can get away with and black women have been lectured to ensure that the black man gets away with the whole game and at her expence!

Black women are positioned as the resource and black men the parasite who can and should feed off her if he so desires, this is how the black subculture positions the genders such that black women have to deliberately opt out of the arrangement. I say deliberately because at this point, any black woman who drifts into a relationship with any black man is almost 80% certain to find her relationship with him tracing this vampyric path even in marriage! Just by being with a black man, a black woman almost certainly has signed up to this contract of being resource drained (I have argued this in my book First Steps to Personal Empowerment that the devalued status of black women is ubiquitous in the black setting such that black marrige now offers no guarantee of division of labor). Indeed the using of black women as resource, now follows black women into marriage relationships where black man see marriage as another effective space to better effect the 'feeding off black women' cycle.

My suggestion is however that you let him and his issues fade away, because there is nothing that can be done to get what is owed you or get justice regarding this situation.

Immerse yourself in your new and honorable man, give him a big kiss and a neck rub, because you dont know how lucky you are to be with a man who can be so generous and chilvarous. Dont let any bad feelings and past issues come in to sour your relationship for even two seconds. And when your son sees you respond with admiration and respect he will know that this, this is what a real man; who earns the love and respect of a woman, does. You see the thing is that we have to give clear messages to our children about what a man of honor really is. The sad thing is that many of us bw (urged by the black community), have sent out a confusing message to our young sons. Our sons see us try to help the situation with their black dads, they see black women cut men slack and reward them for failing and it becomes impressed in their minds that black women have to make do and understand and keep the love flowing no matter what black men do. With this idea in mind black boys are surely not going to be motivated to do better, they even start feeling entitled and get angry at any demand.

When you go to your husband and give him a neck rub after a hard days work, your son will see that and know that a man works hard to come home to an appreciative woman!

....

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They dont have to hate you to not want to date you!

It is important to understand and recognize how other act towards you because you will need this knowledge to be able to formulate a good plan and strategy for going forward socially.

Black men and leaning on resources of black women
When black men start out in life, they lean heavily on the resources and the good-will of black women. When black men arrive at some form of social stability they begin to protest this 'confinement' to black women as lovers and for relationships. This is one of the main dynamics draining wealth from black circles and represents the 'outward pouring' dynamic (resources traveling always out and away from black women, who create more only to have it move outwards again and again as they use it to build black men up) that leaves many black women poor and depletes their resources whether physical, emotional or mental.

Am I saying all black men do this? No, but it is done in significant numbers to be an issue for black women and an issue in terms of the drain on the meager resources black women can hardly spare. In addition many black men looking at the state of affairs also begin to aspire to the same dynamic if and when they can (once they don’t need black women to sponsor or support them). Indeed because this dynamic seems to go hand in hand with notions of prestige (i.e. rich and well to do black men picking lighter and even white skinned women and so acquiring these women is correlated with being successful etc), the trend continues upwards.

What accounts for the singleness rates among even well turned out black women
One key factor is black women focusing their romantic attention on black men exclusively. Not only does it create a culture where the idea is sold abroad that no other men need apply, it keeps black males confident that they can always get a black women and thus don’t need to be in a hurry to commit to any (and from observation this gamble is paying off as black women willingly take on, support and subsidize men who are pass their prime or who have become financially depleted). The value of black women is lowered, since no one else appears to be asking them out.

Get this Book (I wish I had thought to write is because it just needed to be written, well done D Cooper!)


I want to emphasize the point I made in the title: Black men don’t need to hate black women to not date them.

I think many folk might have gleaned the impression unwittingly from as BWE bloggers, that only black man who have contempt for black women (and show this in their actions, manner etc) exclude black women from their dating options. Many of us have come across these men, there is no denying it, however I want to illuminate the fact that not every black man excludes black women because of hate. There are black men who smile at black women, commend them on their efforts for community, say, 'Hey sis you look good', stop the bus to let you on, pull up a chair for you or move along for you to sit down....they still wont date you though!

I repeat, many black men dont actually hate black women or bear them ill-will but they just will not date them or marry them, many even feel attracted to black women but will end up with white and other women for all sorts of social and personal reasons. To the black women, no matter the 'good times' and 'laughs' if you are looking to be romantically attached, these men are of ZERO value to you!

Many black women spend years thinking, “Well he laughs at my jokes, compliments me on my natural hair, says kind words to me, spoke positively about me to management ...something is going to happen between us soon.” A black woman could quite easily spend years and years thinking that the black men around who show drips and drops of this social affection are just one step away of asking them out on a date. Whether it is church or work these black women hang around on hope until they loose the bloom of youth. Its a heartbreaking thing to see happen, yet in that state, you can hardly reach these women with reason.

The black woman of today must grow socially intelligent and must be able to read and interpret the running scripts of society in its response to her, especially when it is a repeating theme! A black woman cannot be helped if she wants to ignore the themes or pretend they aren’t there. Every other group on earth moves forward by being savvy to their situation. As I recently told a black woman, 'Black men are not marrying black women to any significant extent in today’s western society. It is for black women to figure this out quickly and get over the shock and paralysis to change course and rescue their own romantic and relationship ambitions.'


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Do Black Women in Afros Date White Guys?