Merry Christmas and a Very Happy 2013

This is wishing all the readers of this blog and all who have been with me on this journey a Very Merry Christmas and a Blessed New Year full of dreams come true! - Halima

Online dating: some tips

OK someone asked for me to share what I have learnt from online dating. Let me start with this:

The drawbacks of dating online include:

• Time wasters
• men who don’t know what they want
• Men not on your time frame (happy to chat and IM for the next five years (those misusing the online dating portal for friendship)!
• Divorcees and etc still grieving over their lost wives (and still angry to boot) and as a result not ready to move on

All the above can be summarised as men who are essentially 'not focussed on the relationship goal' either unknowingly (because yes humans often don’t know their deepest motivations and intentions) or knowingly (because they are on the prowl for sex etc). You have to find a way to eliminate these categories and as fast as possible so they don’t clog up your time (especially as you don’t have unlimited time as a woman).

Drawbacks of Interracial dating sites in particular

One of the clear draw backs of interracial dating sites, is that white men on those sites can often be looking for the stereotypical black woman(whether they realize it or not). Or they may hold a certain 'pieced together' idea of what the black woman they are looking for sounds like. If you are not the type they imagine, guess what happens when you pick up the phone and speak in 'perfect' English? You guessed it, he who was sweating you hard is suddenly no where to be found. For some of these men, black women fit a rigid archetype and if you deviate from this type, they just don’t know how to handle you! Blame the continued segregation of whites and blacks which means that imagination comes in to make up for the gaps and ignorance. Unfortunately some men hold fast to their 'ideals' instead of allowing for the fact that their conceptions need to be transformed by the real experience of meeting and interacting with black women.

Lets follow this issue logically. We can assume that at least half of the white men on these sites have not dated black women and also in the age range that is over thirty five, you often find a number of divorcees. The implication here is that many are looking for something that is not their former partner/s (read: white women). They then piece together an idea and a vision of what they want, and they come up with variants of the following.

'I think I will be needing':

• A nice African woman who is naïve and less grasping than a western woman
• A nice respectful black woman because she is motherly and cares for her man and children above herself (an idea pieced together from snippets of information gathered over the years from a wide array of sources; from obscure documentaries, videos, watching church going black women on Sunday or mild mannered Ghanaian women going to their early morning work)

Now it's not that many non-stereotypical black women aren't caring and kind, etc etc, its that the tight and inflexible notions of what a right acting woman would look like is flawed. Some white men on these sites will eliminate a woman for not sounding as they expect this black woman they have essentially formed in their imagination would sound! This is why I advice that you have a chat with any white guy sweating you within two-three days, so he can be on his merry little way as soon as possible if necessary!

Some men are open minded and happy to go along and see what this attractive speaking woman might unravel. Others have been burnt and wont want to give any leeway to the notion of having a quiet timid deeply accented woman. I guess this is one of the reasons why you can't beat meeting at work/school etc (and the reason why you need a face-to-face sooner than later with online dating). There is just something about the medium of the connection that sets things up all differently. When people connect through everyday situations they don’t normally have barriers up or the charm of a person, in person, can slip past prior conceived lists of requirements and preferences. Because after days of brushing up against Miss A or Mr C, the fact that you never liked a 5'9 woman or a man with an Irish accent just isn’t that a big issue because he or she brings so much more to override what was a silly idea in the first place! However if you met them after connecting online, failing in any slight way would be an indicator of a disaster waiting to happen.

We apply a higher standard to our online connections because of the false notion that there are endless men or women to choose from, and also because we still retain an element of distrust of the online medium (who doesn’t think that online sites are full of sex seekers and gold diggers!)

Some tips

• Each day, set out to make one serious connection (not twenty). If you can have one real connection (one that seems serious and looks like it could go somewhere) a day or even three a week, this is better that entertaining a long list of BS.
• Get to speaking as soon as is possible (after two days I would offer a number if he isn’t forth coming -its a good way of getting rid of people who think they are serious and ready when they are really not)
• Don’t be disappointed to find that a man who was so eager has suddenly forgotten your number. You don’t know what he is looking for or how his mind is working around a certain vision of the woman he wants. Yes be disappointed for all of five seconds but quickly move on. Play this game like a pro and not a wimp.

Many people have to go through a learning process, and by trial and error online, before they settle on what they want, what is important or even discover that they are ready to 'get serious with this thing.' Examples of men re contacting women they broke off contact with after a few emails etc abound. It is possibly more of an issue of learning what they really want than of being trolls and time wasters.


My latest e-books are now available on Amazon. Please click on the corresponding links below for more info.

First Steps to Personal Empowerment
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Do Black Women in Afros
Date White Guys?
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Supposing I wanted to
Date a White Guy...?
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Clear thinking for Black Women

The real 'Body' if you ask me...what black women can achieve body-wise 

I am sure many of you who are trying to be vigilant about what you eat and your general health must have by now come across the story of how government, in collaboration with some very powerful food lobby groups, in particular the fast food folk, suppressed the information about how sugar as opposed to fat is the killer ingredient in our diets.

I was watching the BBC program 'The men who made us fat', a while back and it blew my mind how even government ministers (named and shamed), suppressed thorough academic research! In one particular incident a well known politician in the UK called one of the professors who researched the issue and arrived at concrete evidence about the danger of sugar, for a meeting. He being confident that his realms of evidence about the emerging obesity issue had suddenly broken through walked into the room with every assurance, but in a couple of seconds was devastated when the then minister tapped at his report and said in her very British fashion, “tsk tsk, very harsh aren’t we.”

I would say here that such academics also then suffer career-wise by coming into confrontation with powerful others who don’t want the word out about the dangers of the product/ingredient that is essentially their golden goose.

If you haven’t watched the program or heard about how sugar is the biggest diet issue in the West, visit here

The reports (there were loads of them) never got out and neither did the information that could have saved the quality of life and even the very lives of millions of people today! If confronted today about what was done then, you can be sure that the government will deny the conspiracy to deal deceitfully with the public, they will blame a previous administration or a single politician (preferably deceased), declare it an oversight or say 'we were working with the knowledge we had back then.'

It is a scary thing that the information that could save your and my life can easily be dismissed because a non-scientist or politician/someone who is susceptible to powerful lobby groups has the final say over the release of vital information. Yes we might be in a better place as humanity than half a million years ago when we battled the elements and predator lions, but each and every age has it's deadly issues. Do you understand the pitfalls in today's system and set-up?

Well thank God for the internet I say, and this is why everyone of you must be a researcher. You must devote anything up to and above 3 hours a week searching and researching information that will be of benefit to your life and your social progress. And don’t just research the top ten pages thrown up by google, some neat ideas and theories might be on page twenty because the person producing it doesn’t have the IT skills or money to 'optimize' their information on the web.

Many of us are running aspects of our lives by philosophies and concepts that are not 'mainstream' and they are yielding results! Atkins diet, Paleo diet have talked about the necessity of protein base for diets and many of these pioneers have been mocked by mainstream yet their theories have helped millions. I am the first person who will tell black women that they need to reintegrate into mainstream and stop side-streaming their lives because there are massive benefits and rewards to be had by mingling in mainstream as opposed to occupying side pools of famine (aka the black community), but we must not loose sight of the fact that the mainstream is also being shaped and controlled by those who want to promote a particular brand of life, understanding, news etc etc. It is important to watch how the rich and powerful play the game, because they often have access to vital information that is not common knowledge but which is the reason why 'common folk' are suffering deprivation, lack and poverty. A good number of rich and powerful folk knew about the economic disaster that came 2008, and they got out of the way as best they could!

From diet to career advice, we don’t need to spend hours in the Library yet never even get any significant understanding, these days catalogues are on the net, amazing libraries of information are also on the net. You can find the solution to any and everything if you spend time researching and each one of us can also expand the body of knowledge on any particular subject also by sharing information online as we do with BWE.

I suppose the question to ask is, what would you have done if you happened to have had that information about how sugar was the killer ingredient in Western diet. Would you have adjusted yourself to the vital information or been carried along by the way society was going? This is an important question for each of us to consider because the fact is, it's not just about availability of information, many of us are weak minded and crowd followers and we will not do something different to save our lives. Thats where the issue lies for some of us!

You are required to assist, and to rescue your own life, not follow blindly even the advice given by the FDA/government and other well known opinion formers. That’s the challenge that befalls the twenty first century human.

My Latest e-books are now available on Amazon. Please click on the corresponding links below for more info.

First Steps to Personal Empowerment
Amazon

Do Black Women in Afros
Date White Guys?
Amazon




Supposing I wanted to
Date a White Guy...?
Buy Here or Buy at Amazon

Happy Thanksgiving!

To my readers from the US and Canada, thanksgiving isnt celebrated over here in the UK but wishing you a good one!

My Latest e-books are now available on Amazon. Please click on the corresponding links below for more info.

First Steps to Personal Empowerment
Amazon

Do Black Women in Afros
Date White Guys?
Amazon




Supposing I wanted to
Date a White Guy...?
Buy Here or Buy at Amazon

Find your own Personal Style!

I attended a funeral service last week, with a high antecedence of black folk and just a spattering of whites and others. First of all, let me repeat the point I made in the past, about how black folks love black to the detriment of stylish presentation. As you can imagine, the black crowd appeared to be in their element with this all out licence to wear black!

I noticed a few folk who chose other sombre colors. I have mentioned that I myself am trying to move away from black but as old legacies die hard (that sturdy coat you bought in black or those pretty charcoal suede heels you adore), I still have black stuff I can freely access and so I was – without even especially planning it- in mostly black.

Anyway apart from a few black women who made the effort to look well turned out even in all black, I am afraid the long skirts and those Germanesque practical shoes and denier 100 black stockings, were in full display, of course teamed with all sorts of curious pentecostal hats and not to forget shapeless coats!

 

To be fair many of the women in these I-am-not-even-trying-to-look-good apparels where middle aged, but there is truly an issue in terms of how black women in Britain dress and their whole sense of style. I am not just pointing outward, I include myself in this critique. And yes there are a range of real reasons why black women might be experiencing lack of choice when it comes to style and dressing. Our particular comon shaping (bigger bust and hip area), can mean that we quite quickly develop a love affair with stretchy fabric so we are not wrestling with buttons and zips or a loose waisted skirt with a tight hip area. I personally know how frustrating it is to go into shops (even those that dress larger women), and try on dress after dress and still not find any to fit. I know that many of us with our body shapes are confined to shapeless clothes in dull colors by clothes companies who dont know what to do with our proportions or refuse to spend extra to tailor for larger women. I know the heartbreak of ordering clothes online only to have to return every single one of them for sizing issues.

Solution

These are some ideas of styling/dressing for black women

• Don’t be too focussed on fashion trends, instead make it a life long journey to hunt for pieces that fit and compliment and attest to your unique style, then keep these staples around as long as possible. Be a collector so to say, of fine clothes – don't wear out good fitting clothes, and think of buying multiples of an item of clothing that works, even in other colors.If a pencil skirt of a particular style and make works for you for instance, why not go back and get a couple more. Think of buying two or three, even in different colors.
• Every black woman should visit a stylist every couple of years and this is critical once you hit your thirties. There is even the option to go shopping with your stylists. Get your color wheel sorted out as well, so you know what colors and color tone work for your skin type even in terms of makeup.
• Focus on building an individual style. Leave the crowd behind. Grow your own hair for instance (there are many methods available now to achieve this goal -watch this space), and put aside the weaves and wigs as a staple of your look. Look after your skin as it is the foundation of your look!
• Every black woman needs a skin lightner (I kid you not and this isnt an invitation to self-hate so calm down!) Having melanin means on average, a greater tendency to have black spots and discolored patches. A little outbreak of pimples and you are left with black marks for the next couple of weeks! In effect if you have outbreaks once every month which could be termed mild, because of the black spots that result you are however never free from the signs of acne from month to month (acne then marks, then acne and marks and so on). I am noticing even more, black women with uneven tone, some have serious melasma where it looks like they have rubbed their faces in soot (and as dark black skin ages this soot-on-face look can become even more apparent). A good skin lightner/brightner or peel, to address discoloration and even skin tone can be of great service to black skin. The aim in this case is not to make you lighter but maintain what you have! 
• Know what works and don’t forget it in this whole crazy rush to change clothes and update wardrobes every season! If you get a styling right, why not take a picture of your ensemble -preferably with you in the picture-and build a scrap book. This is so handy when you have to find an outfit for a party or an interview etc quickly. Why spend hours shopping for something, when you can flick through your scrap book and decide in minutes the best look for you and also discover that you already have pieces that work in your wardrobe! Scrap books also help you develop and discover a sense of your own style.
• Support wear is a must. A good deal of my clothes budget goes on support wear. A smooth line and uplifted bust and butt, does wonders even under tent like clothes. That’s how effective shape wear is. For many of us, shape wear needs to be built into our everyday dressing, so you must have several girdles etc. I would suggest, go for a fitting. There are companies and tailors that can make individually fitting corsets and shape wear. I would pay the money to have this done. It is an investment that is well worth it (some of us end up with off the shelf shape wear that rides up or down etc as the day wears on and a tailor-made corset etc can be a good guard against this happening).
• Loose weight and exercise for firmness. This goes without saying and enables you to have access to the best clothing on offer as opposed to being an after-thought of clothing companies. There is something about sizing of clothes that means that the bigger you get the more likely you are to experience acutely, a mismatch of sizes on your upper and lower parts. Rolls of fat accumulating in specific areas can also force you into sizes that end up being too big in fit in particular areas, because body disproportionality increases with size.
• Spend good money where you need to, do not skimp (shape wear, bras, girdles, shoes, coats).
• Try other colors than black (try navy, silver, grey, black green, forest, camel etc). See if you can go three days of the week without an item of black (even your bag!).
• Remember people make a large part of assumptions about us by how we dress, use this to your advantage and take pride in creating an intriguing style and look. Speaking to the world through your sense of style and creating this style can be such fun. I am a creative person and nothing gives me more creative pleasure tha designing a look! 

My Latest e-books are now available on Amazon. Please click on the corresponding links below for more info.




First Steps to Personal Empowerment
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Do Black Women in Afros
Date White Guys?
 Amazon




Supposing I wanted to
Date a White Guy...?
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Getting the Job: Some Vital tips

I have been doing some work around employment and interview skills and I thought I’d share a few things. As we know, its getting tough beyond scary out there. Increasingly people are being asked to submit to tests upon tests, even for jobs which previously an interview panel decision was all that was required. A friend of mine recently went for a role (entry level), which required 2 aptitude tests, 2 written tests, a role play, and after this first stage an interview panel lasting over 5 hours in total (and it was for a job that didn’t even promise a contract at the end!)



I dont think these two will ever need to look for a day job!

It's an employers market at this point and employs are taking as many liberties as they can for instance merging jobs that have historically stood separately (an example is administration and finance), and requiring applicants to be able to carry out both roles under one job description (which has a big impact on those who work as purely administrators).

Any a few tips for the job seekers among us:

Never go before a panel without a blank piece of paper and pen to write so that you can jot down each question and do justice to it and also obey a hierarchy in detailing your points if such is necessary for the question. Many of us walk into an interview and attempt to answer questions as we generate answers off the top of our heads. The result is likely to be that you do not do justice to the question as you may forget key points if relying on memory alone or forget the question itself midway and start waffling-which doesn't look too good. Looking at a questions gives you that added dimension of analysis and ability to collect your thoughts and organize your thinking. Remember the interviewer might not encourage you to say more but later they will check their notes and say, “Candidate A didn’t talk about this and this in her answer.”

Also If you are a person who jots and writes frequently etc this helps you to stimulate the brain in a way that gets you thinking clearly and creatively. Most panellist will admire your attempt to organise your response and do it justice and you will appear efficient. Humans at this stage tend to reserve very little in short term memory as opposed to our ancestors (our world is crowded with data), therefore writing can help as a repository that can free up brain circuitries for thinking and composing thought during an interview.

Eat a slow release food before an interview

I have sometimes gone to interviews lasting an hour. At the end your brain can shut down from lack of energy. I force myself to eat 2 bananas before hand, because I will draw on the energy to keep my brain sparking and turning during the interview time. I am usually drained after the interview to tell you that amping myself up to the place of high performance really takes it out of one!

You can improve verbal and numerical skills

Don’t appear for a test without putting a few hours into studying aptitude tests (use books and even online). Aim to do 2-3 hours practice, it makes all the difference! Many people think you either know or don’t know or are good or not good with numerical and verbal reasoning etc. This is so wrong. Your scores improve the more you study.

Finish your point, don’t be distracted by, positive noises and nodding from the panel

Many of us rely on the feedback from the interview panel to know when we have said enough on a point. This is not a good strategy. Instead complete what you hope to say under any question. Don’t get into a false sense of security and truncate your answer because of positive feedback. When they check their notes to score candidates, they will say (as I noted before), “She didn’t mention much on question so and so.” So don’t think a positive noise means 'I have that question wrapped up!'

Pray to have an all male or a male dominated panel if you are a woman

There is a reason why women are numerically more than men and yet are even to this day and age 'social minorities' and an oppressed group. Women and their attitude to other women and the things they do to undermine and undercut other women is a key factor in women's undoing and the net effect is that women continue to, as a group, be kept beneath.

If men set forth the dictates of female oppression, it is women who reinforce it, who keep it going -even when the men are open to change- and who are the self-appointed agents that inflict the wounds of the discriminatory system on other women. That’s why I am beginning to lean more towards the idea that we need to broaden our notions of female oppression beyond, 'Its the patriarchy'. Women inflict more social damage on other women and we know they often partake if not spearhead all sorts of bodily integrity violations on their daughters, nieces and other females in their vicinity, including in the area of Female Genital Mutilation, child abuse, domestic and sexual enslavement.

See how it works: if a woman opposes other women at the entry level then fewer women get through. Fewer then go on to middle management. Ultimately it's a number issue because senior management – which is normally selected from middle management- can only then pick from among a work team that is now overwhelmingly male.

It is the woman panellist that will point to the flaws that the males have overlooked in the female applicant. Under the guise of being thorough and 'selecting the best candidate for the job', they will nitpick at the female candidate and magnify their shortcomings. In the end they may be able to convince the males that there is a huge big issue with the female candidate or they will refuse to be won over by the strong arguments in favour of the candidate by other panellists even if they are in the minority, forcing the other panellist to let go to safeguard their working relationship. Very few candidates are seen to be worth rancour in the group.

Have you noticed that we can freely talk about how men salivate over big boobed applicants or how they want to employ the young nubile applicants over the matronly woman with far better qualifications. Yet we cannot talk openly about how women undercut fellow women and raise objections to their employment and even promotion because they are threatened by the woman's looks or put in other words the woman’s sexual capital compared to themselves.

So women have a neat cover, because for one no one dares talk about it (its just too icky a topic) and two no one wants to accuse women (the fair and fragrant sex) of ever being capable of instincts so low and shameful (yet we know it happens and have either experienced it or heard of a woman who has.) Add race to the situation and you can just imagine what black women experience!

The trouble is, that by not confronting the issue and airing it in HR circles and recruitment training, few women have the chance to self-reflect which is often what it takes to abjure such behavior and rethink the whole attitude if you recognise it in yourself.

You know how when you make up, you are told to 'highlight' you best features and all that, well my suggestion is to go more for bland with interview make-up and nuetral (as opposed to knock 'em dead) with personal presentation, and don’t throw too much attention on features that might make women feel threatened. I do sometimes worry about what element of my dress or clothing might set women off when I attend interviews, however often it is self-confidence and the fact that it might be lacking in the female interviewer that seems to be the issue.

If you don’t have an all female panel, not to worry, I just thought I'd add that little bit of information!

My Latest e-books are now available to buy from my website book page or from Amazon. Please click on the corresponding links below for more info.




First Steps to Personal Empowerment
Buy Here or Buy at Amazon

Do Black Women in Afros
Date White Guys?
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Supposing I wanted to
Date a White Guy...?
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Look for places where you have Favor

I watched recently how a young male intern was fussed over by the male manager of the team. I think this manager was preparing him for a paid job with the organisation. I know another woman in the department who said that no matter what amazing solutions she comes up with, she is overlooked and if it is really a brilliant idea that they just have to use, there is a grimace on their faces that the idea had to come from her. I know how dispiriting such a situation can be.

Always look to be where you are in favour; where the favour of the bosses, directors and mangers is with you, or at least there isn’t an obvious disfavour operating against you. If you enter a situation where you know there is a general dislike of you and what you have to offer, and you know you have done your best to be a team player, to be an asset and yet there is this coldness towards you, start thinking of your exit (yes even in this economy!).

This is one of the reasons why some of you need to have your own businesses and concerns. Some of us are not meant to work too long for others. Brilliance can make some people feel threatened.

I was re-reading one of Steven Covey's (RIP Sir), books and came across the bit where he talked about adding value to your job and how it makes you stand out, get the promotion etc etc. Have you ever noticed that in some of these companies cited in such self help books, they are always just desperate for the right workers, but they just cant seem to get good ones lol, which is cue to telling us the readers, that we need to sharpen up and we will achieve the dream job. Well, the truth is that more often than not, you get work teams where a very good worker is actually more of a threat than an asset and can be pushed out! This is more the case with government work and work than is not exposed to strong forces of competition or that is not 'rationalized' by the profit making objective. I have seen brilliant workers pushed out because the work teams were not really looking to elevate their practice no matter what they profess and recite, and what snazzy fashionable jargon they are spouting about, 'best practice', 'value for money' etc. The talented worker would have likely shaken things up and thus proved a threat to their relaxed way of working.

It takes a really evolved boss to handle talented people without feeling threatened as a manager. It takes a person who is sure of themselves, where they fit in and their own unique value, and how many of those do you think there are around? Not as many of we would like.

I remember working for a woman who I believe was certifiably mad. When I took the job I remember thinking (when it got all crazy with files flying across the room, door banging, workers insulted), that 'the need for her to meet her contractual 'targets', would eventually, somehow put a limit to her undermining the workers. My calculations and assumptions were however wrong because her job -and the project as a whole- was not operating within the context of any expected results in other words, she was never called to the carpet if the project didn’t reach the targets it signed up to, and why was this you ask? Well this was during the time of the Labour government in the UK, when they were literally throwing money at 'black' organisations and would not dare question their work outcomes (least they be called racist) no matter how ramshackle. In fact if these organisations underperformed, more funding was deemed in order! I actually watched her write a report making such a case. The net effect was that she was able to run an insane asylum of an organisation without anyone having the ability to put a stop to her activities.

However back to my initial point - which is also in line with the whole ethos of going where you are valued and cherished that I have had occasion to talk about in the past months on this blog (scroll down to see)- always look to be where you and what you do is in favor. It wont be everywhere but there will be places and people for whom you will be 'hot' stuff!

There are some battles/places you cant win but you can be favoured in others, seek these favourable spaces out.

My Latest e-books are now available to buy from my website book page or from Amazon. Please click on the corresponding links below for more info.




First Steps to Personal Empowerment
Buy Here or Buy at Amazon

Do Black Women in Afros
Date White Guys?
Buy Here or Buy at Amazon




Supposing I wanted to
Date a White Guy...?
Buy Here or Buy at Amazon