Your Personal Race

You are in a personal race for yourself, you cant give up. You shouldn’t give up no matter what. Maintain course in the pursuit of your best life possible. Go out with a bang if it comes to it, but never stop striving never decelerate when reaching for the dream you have for life. The fear that you have run out of time or that you were just too thick to have seized your opportunities when they presented in the past, can be crippling. Trust me I know. But if you can maintain motivation for 4 days out of 7 (even if you are depressed and demotivated for the rest), you can make great strides and reverse bad fortunes.

One of the reasons why you need to remain upbeat and optimistic is that when you are optimistic and hopeful you think very creatively and think yourself out of problems and come up with great plans and strategies and one of them will eventually lift you out of your situation.

Sometimes you have the answer there in the mid of the clutter and all you need to do is have a clear mind (often first thing in the morning) to recognize what you need to do. To buttress this point I will say that I have acquired (as most people) a fair bit of clutter over the years. I was recently wondering why I couldn’t seem to unravel a certain situation and was considering blowing some hard cash on a solution despite having bought bits and pieces to tackle the same issue over and over again over the years. After having the issue running in the back of my mind for a couple of days, in a moment of clarity one early morning I realize that I had a certain implement in my possession already that would help me do what I wanted. Clear thinking is necessary in our world of information and product overload.

Upcoming File based loosely on ...

Dido

 

When you are depressed your mind closes in on itself and doesn’t see the breaches in what seems like an unscalable wall. So keep your energies up and your motivation at least for half the days in a week!

Again you might find that sometimes you just have to keep up your motivation to do boring things over and over when you cant even see the point of it anymore. Like a person who wants to play the piano will have to learn their keys, which is so boring running those scales, but guess what, the quality of their playing will be greatly enhanced when they learn and master the notes of the 12 keys.

Money? Sometimes you don’t need that much you just need creative thinking, in fact creative thinking can indeed lead you to put your unique signature on things, on your style for instance, on your make-up on how you carry out your work. Humans are here to innovate, its what separates us from the animal kingdom. After carrying out a routine for a while, humans will discover a better or more efficient way of doing it. It's this unique way of getting results that we can trade with others for financial security. Everyone has something: a process which they have evolved from its most basic formula. Look for something in your life that you have refined and added to and think about how you could make that into a product which can get you financial returns.

It could be anything and it doesn’t have to be a google glass type thing. Maybe you know how to sew skirts and have found a unique way of measuring for a good fit (I give this example because its sheer agony for me to find skirts that fit my shape and I wish I had dressmaking skills!). Maybe you can sew a skirt in an hour and you could set up your website teaching just that: 'a skirt in an hour or less'. Maybe you have happened upon a way to fill out eyebrows more realistically than pencils and powders and you could set up your own little concern selling whatever concoction and process gives you the realistic results.

Most people have skills and have unique formulas but they are just too lazy to take what they have to another level through study, self application and investing time and resources. By applying yourself to your talents and skills you will make them more unique and pick up ways and methods of being faster better and adding an edge to what you do. Just standing back from your skills leaves them languishing at an infancy level.

I firmly believe that we are all given talents so we can feed and cloth ourselves and those who lean on and develop their skills are helping themselves to a more financially secure future.

 

Next blog post 03 Nov

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Do Black Women in Afros
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A beautiful love story

Dear Halima, my wife and I have been reading your blog and we like it very much. My wife is a gorgeous black woman and I am a white guy. She's laughing at me for writing that. Anyway we wanted to share our brief biographical sketch with you.
 

In the 1960’s when I was a college student at a large university I broke almost every social norm and more in existence for a white, male undergraduate. I fell in love with the most beautiful woman I’ve ever known. She was a black, female associate professor who was eight years my senior. I was a dean’s list student, ROTC-type, poor as a church mouse but hard working.

When we met it was like a lightning bolt went through us – our attraction was irreversible. Two weeks after I kissed her the first time, I knew I wanted her as my wife. I shouldn’t have even kissed her – we both could have been killed for that in 1964 but it didn’t stop us. She took a professorship across town.

I graduated from the university, was commissioned in the Army and went to Vietnam. We got engaged. While I was in Vietnam Dr. King was assassinated and my loves house was shot up for being engaged to a white Army officer. I called her and told to leave town to go home to her parents and to tell them that we broke up so she wouldn’t be harmed. She did. I didn’t write her but sent letters for her to my Mom.

Three weeks later I was nearly killed in battle – my mother was told by the Army that I was dead – Mom had a stroke and never regained consciousness. She died while I was recovering and didn’t know it. My fiancé moved to New England and taught there finally moving to Europe to obtain a psychology doctorate. When I was finally able to go back to active duty I couldn’t find her and her family wouldn’t speak to me.

But guess what, forty years later we’ve been reunited!

Neither of us had married. We spent two plus years going over what had happened. We got married last summer. We never stopped loving one another. We don’t know how many years we have but we have each another again. I guess my reason for telling you this is to tell others, do not be afraid to love someone.

Don't let superficial reasons like race or culture stand in the way. I like my wife and I love my wife she’s my best friend ever. The great wounds of the 60's that separated us have reunited us - love has won out.

Never give up.!

 

 

Next blog post 20th  Oct

My e-books are now available on Amazon. Please click on the corresponding links below for more info.

 

First Steps to Personal Empowerment
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Do Black Women in Afros
Date White Guys?
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Supposing I wanted to
Date a White Guy...?
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A great key for pushing yourself ahead

Knowledge is the key. You need loads of it to run modern life. There is information for whatever issue that you need it for out there; just loads and there are people who are not mainstream but have critical information that will give you the victory in any area you seek it. Such knowledge can make you stand out from the crowd (which is what you want). You can pick up an e-book on say dieting today that will give you the necessary info to sort out your particular weight loss issue just like that, but you wont get to the solution if the e-book just sits there on your laptop or at the bottom of your drawer.

How does the modern human however manage the bewildering amount of information out there, sort out the important stuff from the chaff as well as take on-board the gigabytes of important and useful knowledge that is needed to push forward in life? Many of us can't manage a book a month, and with the range of topics and vital info out there that will bring you victory in any area of life including health, work, beauty, finance, home management, time management, most of us are really quite behind and are not taking in the vital info that is available a page away!

Clearly if you have the ability to consume many books in a short spaces of time, then you have the ability to quickly lay hold of vital information that will take you ahead of the queue. Dedicating say a couple of hours to hit the books each week might not necessarily be the most efficient way to go about it. I believe if you are serious about information gathering, you need to learn to 'speed read'. It's a skill that you can learn and perfect so that you are reading a book a day and taking in all the necessary information you need from it! Imagine that!

I highly recommend acquiring this skill. Even if you read at twice the speed you do now, you will increase your knowledge base astronomically and be eager to read more and more. On average people who learn speed reading triple their reading speed, you will get through all those books lying at the bottom of the drawer in no time, gather the information you need and moving on to seek more and more and become better and broader in your skill set and much more. Remember that the thing that distinguishes you from the person in the lead is more than likely the information they have that you don’t.

Invest in learning this skill, I tell you it is worth it especially for knowledge gathering books (I enjoy reading novels and such at my normal slower pace because novels are about savoring a story, while I speed read with books for knowledge). I wont say I am even anywhere near good at speed reading but the ability I have now has lead to a marked improvement in my information gathering and my willingness to purchase books now I know I can be done with them in no time rather than have them gather dust!

As we move towards the last quarter of 2013 it might be a good time to look to clearing your reading back log and set yourself up with necessary knowledge for 2014.

Tony Buzan the mind-map Guru has a number of books teaching the speed reading skill but there are also other good books out there which you can research by reading reviews on Amazon.

Next blog post 6th Oct

My e-books are now available on Amazon. Please click on the corresponding links below for more info.

 

First Steps to Personal Empowerment
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Do Black Women in Afros
Date White Guys?
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Supposing I wanted to
Date a White Guy...?
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The New Year is less than 4 Months away, what's the score?

Hello all, its been a while.

I decided I would, and will be taking the summers off because I get furiously busy at this time of year and of course I don't live in a place like sunny California where summers last and never leave! All too often summer is gone and then its a hurtle down to Christmas and the New year which is indeed just less than four months away! -I thought I’d give you a jolt.

If you are one of those women who promised yourself to be engaged or married now and it hasn’t happened I guess this is a teaching moment. You know I asked you to get some matchmaking services and other heavy duty help in the area...well I want you now to calculate how much you have lost in terms of not paying up for services to help you with that goal. Do you think you have lost a thousand pounds a month for not being where you want to be? How about two thousand pounds. If you are older and moving out of the child bearing season then maybe to you, this situation is more costly than money!

Anyway who knows what time costs to you, only you can tell and put a value on not doing all you can to be were you are in any area of life from weight to health (maybe buying that rowing machine a year ago or going on a weight loss plan might have fended off your diabetes or high blood pressure but now it has cost you big time). Never joke with time because you cant get it back. I used to really dither over pressing the 'pay' button even when I knew that what I was buying was essential (comes from being raised cash poor I suppose), now I know that I may get back the 100 dollars but I might never get back an opportunity missed by not just going for what I need.

If you are a black woman as a rule you are swimming against the tide in so many ways (often not your fault but you live the consequence anyway and that's what you must keep in mind), to get married, get a job, get good health and secure your future. You can moan about it or get up and do something to get yourself where you want to be.

I must add a warning about procuring matchmaker services though. A lot of matchmakers are are cashing in on the desperation of women to sell a 'non-service' to them. In other words they take your money and are not do their best to get you a relationship (they might just send you on dates or avail you of a dozen or less men on their books and that’s it!). I am seeing this happen more and more as the demand for the work they can do in today's dating climate becomes inflated. In truth even if you employ the services of a matchmaker, you must still do a lot of work on your end. Don’t look at it like you just have to plop yourself down and say 'fix me up.' Trust me, your membership will expire and that will be that. Look at it this way, you are simply paying them for a 'good lead'. Some matchmakers guide the process e.g. giving pep talks to the candidates allaying their fears that Mr A or Miss C deserves a good consideration. In our very flighty world and one which doesn’t even know what it wants or is confused because of so much choice, this is an invaluable service, however this kind of personal touch has more or less disappeared in the lower and mid end of match maker services. The other thing is also that sometimes you do need someone to broach things that you might have developed a blind spot on, issues that range from how to present yourself in manner and appearance.   

I am having discussions within the BWE network about putting a service in place and I will speak on that once concrete structures for it are in place, however in the mean time please be careful, do your own investigation, read, ask for help, be smart, be creative because there are men out there (of every hue) who want to be in a committed relationship.

Next blog post 22nd Sep

My e-books are now available on Amazon. Please click on the corresponding links below for more info.

 

First Steps to Personal Empowerment
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Do Black Women in Afros
Date White Guys?
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Supposing I wanted to
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Your Letters Continued

Your Letters Contd

...From Question on Previous Post

No one knows for sure why they get rejected in many instances.

Iman and David Bowie (such a beautiful couple)

For some of the things a person is rejected for, it might be a good idea in the long run and in terms of personal development and being the best you can be, to change whatever it is. For instance if you are rude and abrupt and this came out during a date, you can and should adjust this attitude. In other cases it's just the taste of the person sitting opposite you (or scanning your picture etc) and you should not bother over-thinking it and trying to adjust to whatever it is. For instance if you are a tall woman and a man wants a woman under 5'5, then there is absolutely nothing you can do about that.

And to make it more complicated, sometimes you could be nigh on 'perfect' but the person sitting across from you is in a head space that will prevent them from taking up the opportunity to be with such a wonderful match to them. I know a case where the woman was more or less a perfect match and the man admitted it. She was polished, upbeat and pleasant, easy on the eyes etc etc. The man in this case admitted that now that they had met he realized that he just was not ready to settle down/commit even though he thought he was. Indeed the reality only crystallized for him when he saw the perfect woman sitting opposite him and then he realized he just couldn’t take the jump.

I have seen (and experienced) this situation time and again and so no one should beat themselves up about being rejected as long as you have done the nest you can and no don't beat yourself up because there are still bits and pieces you have to work on.

This is why you need to keep going and going and going. Finding a partner especially as you advance in age is almost like finding a job. When you are turned down you must not or cannot just give up and say, 'I have been rejected for 20 jobs, so I wont work...' I don’t know if anyone ever sees it like that, in fact people might disconnect from the whole job search process form time to time but ultimately they pick up heart again and start to look and to eventually find where they fit in job wise, because really not working is just not an option for the average person, there is no way around this.

The job employers (like a man or woman in the dating market) might be looking for someone younger (which you cannot do anything about), they may be spoilt for choice (like in a recession), and want a worker who combines multiple job roles (now you may or may not consider this trend and seek to improve your resume with regards this reality). You can get so much help by signing up to agencies as you well know (the parallel in the dating market is a match maker). Ultimately as a woman you need to switch off emotions and make the process as dispassionate as possible to yourself so you are 'processing' scores of men for their suitability as well as they are being processed in or out naturally for their willingness and openness to be in a relationship with you. It is indeed one of the quandaries of life that people often say they want something e.g a relationship but in reality and from their actions the truth is they are not ready or are not serious or are not open to any particular person.

I believe black women would go far if they just took their heart and feelings out of the process of finding a partner and reintroduced their feelings at the point where there are signs that the connection is going somewhere instead of getting 'heart' involved from the beginning before even meeting a man so that a single negative action from a man sends 

them into a tailspin and TKOs them from the dating market for months and even years before they recover!

 

Pray to come into a ‘prepared’ place

If you are a person of faith or who believes in divine order or a higher power/God, like I do, I would suggest that you pray to be favored or to come into a prepared land, so to speak.

A while ago I went through a series of job positions where I was 'the first.' And when I say first, I mean that I was the first to challenge one thing or another; the person who broke into the negative culture or situation first and as a result I had a sore head! After me the boss or the organisation realized they shouldn’t do A, B, or C or they should put in place X, Y, Z. When I got another job offer after those other trying roles, I remember asking God to insure that someone had gone before me to clear the way as I had done for others in those other jobs where I had to battle management or battle for a general change in the work culture. The first day I arrived the person who was showing me round commented that 'we are trying to be more friendly to new comers because someone who worked here before said we were not really friendly'. It was the sign I was looking for to confirm that someone had passed through and ironed out the wrinkles and hiccups that would have caused me to have a not too pleasant work experience!

Now how does this relate to dating and relationships? Well sometimes a man has to go through some experiences so that he becomes prepared and open to what comes next. Some men have to be disappointed with a certain type of woman before he says to himself 'duh big breasts are not everything', or 'race means nothing.' etc etc. Some of us are often the ones who help men along to this life transforming wisdom, and unfortunate we do not get to reap the benefits of his adjusted mentality instead a woman who comes after us then happened upon this well aerated and transformed man!

If you feel that you are such a woman who more or less gets to do the work for others to enjoy, then send up a prayer or two that you will come across a man whose life experience has prepared him (not just another woman but life in general) to be open and fit for a relationship with you.

Halima is on Holiday

My e-books are now available on Amazon. Please click on the corresponding links below for more info.

 

First Steps to Personal Empowerment
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Do Black Women in Afros
Date White Guys?
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Supposing I wanted to
Date a White Guy...?
Buy Here or Buy at Amazon

 

 

 

Your Letters

Dear Halima

I am afraid to put myself out there in the dating market, I am a shy person that is true however my biggest fear is that I will get rejected by white men. As a young woman I have always noted white men looking at me and then they look away when my eyes meet theirs. I think there could be attraction there but I don’t think they allow themselves to find us attractive and this is the number one hindrance to us coming together. But am I imagining things?

Richard Gere and Diana Ross hit the dance floor



Let me first address the issue of white men not allowing themselves to find black women attractive. There is a lot of truth in that observation. There is the belief that people just get overwhelmed by their feelings of attractions, that it just overrides their resistance. I think this idea comes straight out of Mills and Boons! Most people fall in love over a time and after an initial attraction (which is the start point). It means then that if a man feels an attraction but doesn’t allow himself to go down that route the relationship that would have been will not be.

One key thing to realize about white masculinity (yes we can analyze white masculinity just as we can black womanhood) is that it is rewarded and privileged for sure but it is only rewarded when white male actions fall within the acceptable range of behavior marked out by wider interest-forces! Most of us are of the impression that white male privilege is unlimited and unrestricted, that white men can go anywhere and do anything. This is a myth. White men have privilege and domination as long as they act and behave in the way that is acceptable for the white male to behave.

I believe one of the reasons why there is such a deep attraction to Rap music among white males is that it allows them to live the hyper- masculine dream vicariously. They are attracted to the rap thug because they recognize that they are not allowed to express such dominating and unfettered masculinity, the ones they see black rapper males indulge in, without severe sanctions to themselves, especially their ability to earn a living. It has become even worse in the current gender political state and the rise of a very aggressive thuggish strain of feminism that requires the very debasement of the white male before it is appeased. Many white males are actually giving in to the demand to self flagellate, identify masculinity and maleness as evil and the root of all that is wrong with the world and even to go as far as self loathing because this is the only way they can be admitted into certain circles or even secure their jobs (for instance tenure in many universities in America that have become open to only people of certain ideological persuasions) in many institutions in the West.

Coming back to the issue of white males and attraction to black women, you can be sure that many men have a moment hesitation and ask, how will this affect my ability to earn a living. Even if these men are free to pursue black women without any repercussion (because society has moved on for instance), it is the perception of this 'being one of the things that might hinder me' that becomes the reality that holds them back.

When some white men see an attractive black or other woman, they can respond to her physically but they also are aware on some level of how easily pursuing such a path could loose them their privileges and social endorsements. It might not be true that they will come under sanction as I have said, however many do not want to test out their fears!

Things are changing and white men are also acting independently of ‘endorsed’ notions of behavior in addition some white men work for themselves or work in ways that allows them to have freer choices than what is expected of them. The passing years also brings maturity, independence and maybe a stronger backbone to many of these men, others have to go through life to eventually figure out what is really important thus we expect and often see an increase in white men who are seeking or open to black women now in the ages over 35 (the restructure of the society we live in and the loosening of social taboos also means the younger ones are now also freer to make choices that those one generation up feared to make).

One of the reasons why I encourage black women to be out there in the dating market place is that by the sheer logic of numbers she will eventually find that white or other man who combines a willingness to date out with an attraction to black women and maybe the right social and economic situations or independence of mind that will allow him to pursue that option. Shyness might just be making it hard for you to build up the numbers from which you would logically expect to find a couple of white (and other) men of this mindset.

Follow up question 7th July

My e-books are now available on Amazon. Please click on the corresponding links below for more info.

 

First Steps to Personal Empowerment
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Do Black Women in Afros
Date White Guys?
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Supposing I wanted to
Date a White Guy...?
Buy Here or Buy at Amazon

 

 

 

Reconstructing your femininity

It took me working in a school environment in rural England last year to understand how damaged black femininity can be from an early age.

 

The fact of the matter is that black women do not come under any sort of social protection so the only way older people have found to 'protect' black women is to clamp down on that aspect of black womanhood that would expose them to predatory males and this happens from an early age. In some cultures we hear of Breast ironing  which is essentially a means of removing a female characteristic that is seen to draw the attention of males with its attendant ramifications for the girl in question. Well something similar happens with blossoming young womanhood in black spaces in the West. Adults in very crude fashion, refuse girls their normal and natural female responses or self expressions so they dont become the target for predatory males. These adults may 'mean well' but the result is stifled expression of femininity, anxiety about aspects of being female, inability to respond with a carefree attitude to being a woman and being sought out for the functions of femaleness in society, and a general fraught attitude to those things that distinguish one as a woman.

Inability to connect freely with others

This whole issue of having a fraught relationship with ones femininity and being in a state of anxiety and tension with your very femaleness was highlighted to me one day while quick walking to the nearest train station to take me out of the area back into London. I fell into step with a Norwegian college student who proceeded to chit chat with me about everything and anything. Let me mention here, I was blown away by how naturally and freely she said hi and began to talk with me a stranger, confident, that I would respond and engage with her in a genuine and pleasant fashion. I wondered then, what kind of protective and caring environment would one have grown up in, that would enable them stretch out their hands to their society unflinchingly, and with every expectation of a positive and optimistic response. How often do I see young black girls peering at me from behind a book or etc, not having the 'freedom' and courage to strike up a conversation. It makes me feel sad that I am alienated from these young ladies.

Watching this young pleasant girl freely and unguardedly interact with me made me think on how white masculinity is restrained in such a way that to a great it extent allows white femininity to blossom, while on the other hand, unfettered and marauding masculinity is allowed in black spaces which means black femininity can often contract inwards. In fact anything less than marauding masculinity in black males is seen as a sign that 'the man' has neutered him! Am I saying that there are no wayward white boys causing damage to young women? No, but in white environments there is 'control' exerted on men to allow young females to be and do what young females do without damage.

Braggadocios femininity 'I can do it like a dude'

The likes of Jessie J tell us they can 'do it like a dude' and they go on to win accolades from the music industry. In fact a white girl mimicking 'rude gyals' from Jamaica is the surest route to fame these days, maybe because it contrasts so much with the category in which the white female is placed. But lets be sure about this, these women are being rewarded for their 'act'. Let's also not forget that white females are a protected specie and they can perform 'she-malism' without it tainting their femininity … yet!

Nothing is more off putting to me than brash young ladies, shouting and cursing and being harsh and unkind with each other. In our turned upside down society it seems that being harsh with friends and calling them unkind names in the full hearing of the public is suppose to endear you to them! 

Inability to flirt?

If you cannot engage with men on a level of flirting or if you feel anxious or afraid to be a woman with an interested man, then it might be that your femininity has been damaged. Some of us remember flirting with boys innocently only to have an elder, a big sister or parent twist our ear or make us feel that we had done the worst thing possible. Indeed we had committed a sordid act for which we should be ashamed. Often the feelings of 'wrongness' of flirting with men will always be lurking in the background for us and will possibly require 'therapy' and healing of some sort in many cases. But you know the funny thing, years later the same parents or elders that scarred you and damaged your natural reactions to men will be the ones to ask why you haven’t 'found a man' or settled down yet!

It took me being in a classroom where girls oozed girlishness without being crushed, slapped down or made to feel dirty to realize just how much damage is done to young black girls as soon as they exhibit behavior which is just natural for them as blossoming young women.

Next blog post available from 22 June

My e-books are now available on Amazon. Please click on the corresponding links below for more info.

 

First Steps to Personal Empowerment
Amazon

 

 

Do Black Women in Afros
Date White Guys?
Amazon

 

 

 




Supposing I wanted to
Date a White Guy...?
Buy Here or Buy at Amazon