Interracial Dating 101: Begining of your strategy

Why do black women end up with the ‘black man only’ precept for dating?

Black social programming is mostly responsible for this mind frame.

It’s not just what is said to black women from an early age, there is also the whole culture and interpretations that prepares black women to focus on black men exclusively for relationships, and apart from structural obstacles like segregation, a combination of fear, duty, fostered outrage at white men, lack of familiarity, notions of acceptable behaviour, will secure black women to the idea of dating only black.

Sometimes you will find black women being taught the ‘black men only’ ideology (because it is a full ideology) outside the family. Black women lured into this attitude might feel they are doing their bit for the race, they are showing themselves strong and proud black women because these interpretations have been place upon black-black dating and black women often dont question these set definitions seen as sacred.

Often times black women themselves manufacture terms and ideas (many which black men show very little interest in) which end up imprisoning them and their choices. For instance the concept and ideology of black love is largely maintained by black women irrespective of black men’s willingness and participation.

What do you mean by black women being ‘self advocates’ to achieve their relationship?

I used this term in my last entry. The term advocacy is clearly from the word advocate which means to speak up on behalf of another. In the Roman Empire, hundreds of years ago, a man standing accused before the emperor could lift up his eyes to the gallery and recognising a notable statesman, orator, well positioned or influential person could say ‘friend could you come and speak on my behalf’. The man would then come and stand with the accused and argue his case. The actions of this advocate could make the difference between life and death. Self advocacy in the respect I use it here, means looking out for yourself, legislating on your own behalf, looking after your needs even in the face of the lack of consideration from other quarters because if you are a black woman, the chances are that no one but yourself will be really concerned about you ending up alone.

This is why I believe it is so very important for black women to be self-advocates; vigorously looking after their own interests and needs, because unfortunately black women as a whole, are in a state of friendlessness. Our position in society is one in which no one rallies round us to defend and ensure that our interests are secured (rather everyone wants to harness black women as a resource employed in the furtherance of their own goals and black women get nothing out of the arrangement).

The trouble is that often times the general lack of respect and consideration from other quarters can corrupt ones ability to be considerate to oneself. This is a big problem at the moment with black women, who seem to have lost a lot of the ability to treat themselves fairly and with consideration and mimick the ways the society treats them. Notice however that same black women are quick to grant consideration and concession to non-black women.


Why don’t Black women advocate for their fellow women?

It is one of the things that grieves me dearly, that our young girls in particular cannot find keepers in their older sisters. Their older sisters have grown up being told by the reactions and rebuffs they received whenever they tried to highlight their concerns, that their needs are trivial, of less urgency or have no place in the grand scheme of things and that they should shut up and put their efforts towards other issues (read: black men’s issues) . After repeatedly being told that their needs mean nothing, I do believe that a good portion of black women have become self-spiting. This is very evident in the way black women respond to their own fellow black women’s cry for help and assistance; harsh, uncaring, unfeeling. A reflection of how they feel towards their own needs.

I must add also that in terms of relationship and broadening the dating scope, some black women prefer not to share their understanding with other black women who are struggling. Many claim it should be an individual decision but this reluctance to enable their sisters share the solution they have discovered might be because deep down, these black women are still of the feeling that the interracial choice on a whole is still a wrong/anti-black one, thus are not happy to spread their beliefs.


Why do black women easily forsake their own concerns and self care?

One key reason is that they have been prepared to respond this way by their community. It’s a learnt behaviour. We grow up seeing our mums, aunts and older sisters forget their personal needs and concerns in the pursuit of what we have been told are ‘more pressing issues’, that sometimes black women can know no other ways to be but self-sacrificing. They have also been indoctrinated into thinking that doing this is very honorable, and the actions of a good and true black woman. There is thus the emotional reward (we feel internally) that secures us into a life of self-sacrifice.

The community has been very effective in breaking down what should be an instinctive reflex for self-care in black women by selling self-abnegation as a noble and transcending act. I believe without this effective 'black training' black women would long since have abandoned the unrewarded activities they rush into in, in the name of the community.

People can easily exploit the fact that black women lacking in validation and approval can often displace fundamental needs and interests in favour of emotional rewards from a pat on the back.


What is the first step for ‘self advocacy’ in the area relationship?

I can’t overemphasis the fact that you do need to be able to observe your situation as it stands and then make accurate judgement on what you see. This is an area where I am afraid black women are trained to look and not see, or to discount their observations or never to join the dots to produce an effective picture of their reality which is essential to guiding subsequent decisions on dating. We are trained not to do all this so as to maintain our rosy outlook towards the black community in the face of the ugly real picture. By not joining the dots on marriage resistance among black men, colorism etc we are able to maintain ‘faith' in the outcomes we are instructed to hold for the black community even when all the indicators are spelling out something different. Put in others words, black women would have long since abandoned the idea of ‘building only with black men’, if they really took note of the reality playing before their very eyes and from this, did some important calculations and deductions about black men's position on the idea of 'building a black nation through black marriages'.

By not ‘joining the dots’ or being disallowed by the injunctions within their community to ‘join the dots’, black women dont pick up the reality of their situation indeed that which stares them in the face, that black men are not (and have not for decades) showing any interest in building a black nation hand in hand with black women (perhaps but with the lightest of them all and others). Without this realisation black women are prevented from making broader arrangements for having relationships.

Like I have said, black women are carefully taught to discount what they see and so not deviate from the ‘hopeful theories’ they are instructed to have of the black community. And this is why you find black women who are PHD’s, scientists and those who know how to observe and make judgments that lives depend on, still faltering in this area of their life. Indeed women who manage millions of dollars marketing departments and who know how to spot a trend still have such problems decoding their individual situations. Its clear that this is because the essential parameters for making sense of the black dating situation have been 'yanked' from them!

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Interracial Dating 101: Start to Believe what your Eyes tell you instead

How do you get the relationship you deserve?

I will start by saying that the key word is deserve. You have to believe you deserve a relationship and not just any odd one, but one that, ‘satisfies your soul’.

It is important for you to NOTE the things that aim to wrest this opportunity from you.

In fact I say it is crucial for today’s black women because many people out there see black women as ‘resources’ to be employed in the pursuit of general agendas rather than flesh and blood that need to eat, sleep, take care of themselves and their desires for companionship. People have other concerns for and about you that do not match those yearnings you have for yourself. Look out for yourself therefore. I call this SELF ADVOCACY.

Case in point: While black women are deeply worried about getting themselves into relationship and their dwindling traditional pool of men, other black folks are not necessarily similarly worried but are more concerned about securing the borders of the black races. Thus to you a white man who asks you out is an opportunity, while others who dont have similar concerns to you (conflicting agendas) are incensed that you would dare consider this option. They will continue to direct you towards a single choice even if you are experiencing major difficulties and say so, because the alternative is unacceptable to them, your suffering not withstanding.

It is therefore so important for black women to clarify their own desires for themselves and recognise that they might not be getting sound advice because of conflicting objectives in the people they often turn to for advice.

Black women need to begin to have a sense for the sound of truth.

In recent years women and particularly black women, are being told that they need to ‘prepare’ for marriage. Preachers and relationship experts are drawing up a whole new philosophy that holds that a lack of relationships is down to bw not having done necessary ‘self preparation for marriage’ i. e, you are not married because you are not healed, havent prayed enough etc. Despite the fact that many high profile people preach this doctrine and specifically to women (because men never are told as vigorously that they need to do some needed preparation), I want to say to you that you are ready as you are. Believe it, you are ok and ready to be married as you are!

Some women might need some extra work done but it is but a select few like one in hundred of us. Beyond everyday adjustment that we all tell ourselves, (drink more water, smile more) black women should not feel they are marriage unworthy unless they go through a process of self-perfecting, regardless of the fact that this is the 'in' doctrine being use to turn women away from looking at the dire lack of suitors within the church to navel gazing. Pastors etc might need to answer this question, "When these women have self-perfected, where will the men come from? Will you conjure them out of a hat, or is this the one where black women will be sent for more work and more and more..' Contrary to suggestions, there arent a gallery of perfect men watching and waiting for black women to sort it out then they reveal themselves. Black women need to reject the strong inculcated need to 'polish' themselves to an inch of their lives in ‘self preparation’.

Remember, our parents and grandparents never felt this need to ‘prepare’ this way for marriage. Its very clear to me and sensible black women that pointing black women away to work on themselves, is a stalling method practiced where there are no solutions or ‘preferred solutions’ to the issue. Indeed the easiest thing to say/do when black women complain about lack of men in the black churches for instance, is to point them towards self-perfecting or higher heights of sacrifice and self abnegation ‘for God’. We need to be able to recognise a con when its on.

I mean think about it, which pastor is willing to loose his ‘flock’ by suggesting relocation or online dating etc. And the fact that very few if any, are discussing these clear solutions to teeming numbers of single black women in churches again points to a few things, conflicting agendas or the fact that black womens suffering is of little concern to the church hierachy.

When you are hungry you eat. Meaning you respond to your own internal signs of hunger. When you look to others to direct you on such basic level you open yourself up misdirection and misuse. Apply the same principle in the area of relationships.


You need to know what gives on the relatiomship front for yourself, do not let anyone else explain it for you if they are not experincing what you are, particularly others who have conflicting agendas because they are likely to speak without your interest/needs in mind.

Unfortunately many black women are at the mercy of others because they refuse to make intelligent use of their eyes and ears in simply judging their situation and making decisions about what to do.

Case in point, why would a woman need a pastor to tell her why she has dating problems, just look around the church, particularly if you spend many/most of your evenings there. Indeed do pastors encourage women to do fewer church services and go out to meet men instead? Very few do, when this is the practical reason why a lot of church going black women remain unmarried. Yes lack of meaningful and productive interraction is a modern day disease which stops us from partnering, but it is more so for the church going sister.

Keep a journal on your experices on the dating scene. Let yourself know what is going on right before your eyes, dont let anyone else tell you how it is like! With the use of themes such as those below, you can take a critical look at your dating setting and decided what needs to be done:



Nights out every week

Description of the type of men who regularly approach you for freindship or relationships and how many recent offers you have had

Your experinces as a light/dark skin woman (natural/not natural hair styles) in the dating field.

Opportunities for meeting men and those converted (freinds introduction, school, work, family)

Honest assessment of your dating field and the men

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Interracial Dating 101: Further notes

Is it wrong for black people to seek to repair the damage of white supremacy through a resistance doctrine (see definition of resistance doctrine in previous post)?
In principle, there is not much wrong with having a strategy for correcting the wrongs of white supremacy within the black race, however, the resistance doctrine in itself should not hurt black women’s interests and cause them unnecessary hardship.
The common resistance doctrine espoused within the black community does not take into consideration current realities in offering behaviour codes and specifying ‘right’ actions particularly for black women.

For an example and in reference to male-female relationships, black women are not untied from stringent dictates and requirements to ‘only date black men’, even in the face of a considerable number shortfall and unavailability of black men. Politically black women are also supposed to act as if they have full co-operation of black men in their endeavours to uplift the community, when it has been evident for a long while that they do not have such support.

Any true and fair resistance doctrine would have a concern for black women at its heart, would take into account the realities that make it impossible for all black women to live the ideal of ‘black men only’, and would thus take a liberal attitude towards black women ‘expanding their choices’!

It is clear and becoming more and more evident that servitude without reward has always been the deal for black women within this present ‘resistance doctrine’ and black women are beginning to abandon its precepts for being unrealistic to them.

Will a white man make a better partner than a black man?
Generally speaking it is impossible to call, there is no guarantee either would provide the best experince because this is about individuals. However on an individual basis some black women tally their experinces and report that they have had more pleasant ones with white men.

The question could be asked, 'Why is it the case?'
For that question, there are a thousand and one reasons of which one definitely is that the experiences of any particular black woman are too limited to make any kind of general conclusion.

Another reason could be that the unchallenged sexism, racio-misogyny and unsupportive attitudes towards black women within the black community make black women feel this way (note that I say 'unchallenged'). Black women who are taken for granted and expected to do a lot of heavy lifting within their communities etc might suddenly find it a refreshing experince to be with a man who has no such expectations of them because they are from a community were efforts have been made to 'control', unsupportive attitudes towards females.

An out of race partner may also bring a different perspective/energy which might be seen as refreshing Different energy from an IR partner


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Interracial Dating 101: Clarification

So what then causes the ‘awakening’ to the idea of dating other men?
Because a majority of black women are focussed on black men exclusively for relationships, they hardly ever realise the other options till something causes them to reassess this total focus on black men. The likely catalyst is disillusionment, disappointment or plain insufficiency in numbers of this primary dating focus i.e. black men. I term this process, ‘Going through black men to get to white.’ Many black women for instance wake up to the idea of other men after years of singleness and having no black male prospects insight. Some women awaken to other men, after one too many heartbreaks dating black men.

Isn’t it wrong to seek out white because you have problems with black?
I don’t think a judgement call is necessary here, this is simply the way many black women come to the idea of dating other men and as such, an acknowledgment of the reality of black women. If we however want to look at the cause, it is clear that it has a lot to do with social programming within their communtities.

Black women are raised to think 'only black men' when thinking relationships, and so it is only when they experience real problems here, that it comes to their minds to try other men. It’s like a child that suddenly discovers other things to play with after the wheel falls off its favourite toy truck.

Some black women are uncomfortable admitting that this is how the majority of black women come into the idea of interracial dating. They would rather promote the idea that being open from the start, is the only valid way to do interracial relationships and any other way will deeply flaw the resulting interracial union. This point of view seems reluctant to take into consideration what the reality of black women really is and offers elitist criteria for interracial dating.

Not only this, it is all unproven armchair psychobabble, that a disappointment caused awakening dooms any subsequent interracial relationship.

Not all black women come to interracial dating from a disappointment awakening, however it is safe to say that the majority of black women in the west do not grow up with a neutral race doctrine or a background that allows them to freely and confidently give all men an equal consideration. As black women we have been under strong and skilful directives of our community and indeed the whole society, to comply with a 'make it only black men' edict.

But doesn’t this mean that white men are the second choice?
Not exactly, there are black women who on the contrary, end up thinking that white men are the best, having compared their experiences with black men to that with white. Whether you see white men as second best or not, has little to do with the fact that the catalyst to your awakening was that you didn’t get a black man. This is just the pathway that brought you to a point were you reassessed your ‘only a black man’ paradigm, nothing more.

If a woman has a ‘white man is second best’ belief, this is likely to do with how strongly she adheres to the notion of black men = ideal. And this brings us back to the ‘Resistance Doctrine’ and the fact that this view is strongly contain in this doctrine.

When black women cleave strongly to certain Resistance Doctrine precept like, 'No man can love a black woman like a black man', or believe that it is a sacred duty to marry a black man and thus preserve the race, she is likely to view her relationships with white men as the second best option. Indeed if she manages to date interracially it might be for purely expedient reasons and a way of meeting relationship goals that she cannot find a black man to fulfil.

So and in summary, the fact that you have opened up to interracial dating from want, disillusion or disappointment doesn’t mean white men will be a second best option for you. This view is strongly correlated with the depth of your belief in aspects of the Resistance Doctrine that says so.

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Interracial Dating 101: the Basics

Do black women consider all men as possible mates?
With regards dating and relationships most black women don’t start out favouring all men equally, as being possible partners. In other words, black women do not start from a point, ‘Any man will do be they black, white or other’, the average black woman ONLY sees black men as ‘the’ relationship option for black women.

How do black women then get into the idea of ‘other men’?
Black women see black men as the only option till such a point as they experience an ‘awakening’ to the idea that other men and white men in particular can serve.

So why are black women so strongly bound to this idea that it has to be a black man?
This is a very complex and layered situation which I will try to simplify as much as possible. The first layer is the normalcy of dating black; black women date black men, that’s what they do, this is seen as standard and logical. Upon this layer of normalcy is deliberately built a political one.

It is important to realise that the historical and present reality of being black in this society has given rise to a strong and widely held doctrine of black resistance with resulting rules for black preservation and upliftment. The black resistance doctrine is unwritten and complex, it has behaviour codes particularly for those areas seen as key to black continuity (read more about this doctrine in the IR Dating E-Book).

How does it discourage interracial dating?
One of the core elements of the doctrine of resistance is its anti-interracial relationships stance and to sustain this idea, there is a reversal on white superiority, thus black men are built up while white men are diminished and made unappealing. This is a very key point.

Discouragement also comes from the fact that black woman who marry white are targeted for denouncement within this doctrine, and some very distasteful and a serious accusation are levelled against her including the fact that she hates her blackness, is a mercenary etc.

Scare tactics do indeed form part of the ways of 'corralling' black women. Because the preservation of blackness (and at all costs), is central to the ‘resistance doctrine', it is ok to play on black women’s fears and insecurities for instance those about their wider feminine appeal, to ensure that white men continue to ‘not’ be an option.

And how do black women respond to this ‘resistance’ doctrine?
Well black women are actually reared to take it to heart, to take hold of the rules and feel it is their moral duty to abide by them and thus prove their devotion and love for their community. They become strongly emotionally bound to this philosophy and feel compelled to be ‘good soldiers’ of their race particularly in the face of a black male slack or lack of commitment to these same goals. Some black women say to themselves, “If I just keep faith and keep believing, it will happen.” It gets to a point where they do not see an equal participation of black men as critical to the realisation of black goals as spelt out by the resistance doctrine.

The power of the community doctrine over an individual has a lot to do with ones upbringing. If you were raised in the tenets of ‘black Resistance’ or have come to cleave to it as a sacred article of the black group, it is very likely that the right strings can be pulled to get you reacting as you are meant to. This is why
African women are less likely to cleave to and believe in seperation from whites than African American women, because they are not reared in nor do they operate within such resistance doctrines.

What else puts a barrier up to interracial dating?
We have the hostility coming the other way that is from the the wider community. Black women believe they are not accepted and will be treated negatively by whites and white men. They have real fears and doubts which are reinforced by their experiences with white people, and with all the negative messages about black females beauty and femininity floating around.

However even if there were no doctrines to influence black women’s decisions, we still have segregation (and the resulting unfamiliarity with white men), as a structural block to interracial awakening.


Why are black women dependent on their community so?
In a world that is hostile to black people, they turn to their community for succour, acceptance and understanding. It can be a very scary thought that you might loose all of this backup, because of your choices and have no where else to turn to.

In recent years black women are waking up to the fact that their communities have turned out to be rather dangerous for them as black women and they work and toil for a community with deep rooted sexism and for little or no rewards. Thus some black women believe the black community is a myth.

I will pick up and expand on an aspect of the 'resistance' doctrine because it is important to really breakdown what really secures black women 'away' from interracial dating and thus the nature of the solution.

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Should we have an ‘Afro pride’ day?

..to help us celebrate the 'afro'/'nappy' hair type, make people get over the notion that it is an aberration of nature, to challenge the fear and non-acceptance of the hair type as valid and beautiful.

Would a ‘afro hair day’ (or week), give each of us bw the necessary support and encouragement to embrace our unique hair type, in the knowledge that as we walk around there will be sisters ‘freeing the fro’ all around us! This might break down the shame and the fear of being the lone sister with the afro and all the snide remarks and singling out which is enough to put most bw off.

Maybe a day or week like this would force upon the conscience of society that black hair must be accepted as it comes, in afro variety and it is neither shameful nor abnormal, because right now and as has been for generations there seems to be a concerted effort to shame the hair type into hiding!

That’s the part that we didn’t address with the Don Imus incident.

Apparently the natural hair on black head is the most offensive attribute of blackness. Whether you call it afro or nappy it is maligned the world over, to be tucked away and kept out of sight. A mark of some sort of ‘unevolved’ state.

These days black skin is normalising, black noses are in vogue but the appearance of the real black hair brings shock, with people (black and white) crossing to the other side of the road to flee such an abomination and avoid being associated with it by the question, “Is that how your hair grows as well”.

Three women were chosen to help design the recent Tony and Guy shampoo collection; Erin O’Conner, Helena Christensen and the shampoo for black hair is fronted by the singer Jamelia. It seemed like such a coup that a bw would front a mainstream campaign and black hair was being 'included' into mainstream as well. But in the ads, Jamelia has wavy hair down to her back; clearly a weave!



This made me very uncomfortable because we are talking shampoo here, and I was expecting an acknowledgement of the black hair type unless we are talking about shampooing a weave!

Indeed I went ahead to review a widely distributed CD on incorporating the shampoo into styling. The black woman they choose to go through the process had bone straight hair as any Caucasian (She was clearly mixed race)! I mean I am ok if they had to straighten the hair but the fact that they were so uncomfortable to start with the afro texture, threw me for six! Is the hair type that abhorrent to mainstream eyes!

Why is there this discomfort about acknowledging that our hair grows nappy? Has the wider society picked up on our anxiety that they would rather go along with the notion that straight hair sprouts from black scalp.

I forced myself to watch the white hairstylist (apparently well known), work on the Caucasian models just so I could compare notes and indeed, never once did she use the world unmanageable, nor frizzy and never once did I see her do the uncomfortable face twitching and the sucking in air thing she kept doing, as she referred to various aspects of the black hair type and the immense effort that would be needed with ‘it'. The Caucasian models hairs were approached with so much enthusiasm like she was so happy to get stuck in.

I totally get why bw feel a need to hide their hair type, there is no denying that we face rejection (particularly from BM), criticism, face being mocked for showing what God created us with. Bw already have it hard and it can become harder from the dating scene to the workplace if they go natural, so no one can convince me to blame sisters one bit for trying to get by. Indeed those who talk about pride in blackness and all that, make me want 'to tear my hair out in frustration' because they never want to grapple with fact that bw will face a tough journey for this choice. They dont want to talk about how we all can asist this process, they instead expect and want each bw to brave it alone and without any upholding, beings made of steel that we are. They get 'incredulous' that many bw might just not want to deal with all that. I guess bw dont deserve to safeguard their feelings and sanity, I mean how dare they think of personal safety and comfort!

I think the situation feeds off itself because white and black folks don’t learn to become comfortable with nappy hair, when we ‘hide’ it and this non-acceptance further causes us to continue to keep up the impression we are born ‘straight’.

So would a ‘Afro/Black/Nappy/Natural’ day help begin changing the climate, begin offering the support and safety in 'general outing' that would begin to encourage sisters to embrace their authentic self?

Any thoughts?

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