Black Uplift?

I was having a conversation with a friend about the latest profiled criminal attempt against a black women

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/politics/lawandorder/3983526/Nurse-Magdeline-Makola-left-in-car-boot-for-up-to-10-days.html

in which a black man is the main suspect. She made a comment that in essence boiled down to, 'Black women should never have to be victims of black men.' Another friend was in earshot and responded, 'Well there are evil men in all races, white men kill white women all the time, so why make this a race issue?' The first friend tried to explain her view in more detail, but was having a bit of difficulty. Somehow the 'this shouldnt be a race issue because every race has its bad elements' angle seemed much more reasonable and rational.

I however knew what the first black woman was getting at but with much difficulty. Within the complex belief system upon which the concept of 'black uplift' (or black unity/black advancement/black empowernment) as black people understand it, is founded, black men do not have the option of victimising black women. I knew she was trying to put in words the view that within the black uplift context, black men cannot be harming black women even if all other groups of men saw nothing to cutting down women of their own race. She was experincing a tension with the idea that black men could do like every other man, and be allowed the same choices and attitudes towards black women given what black folk where trying to build/achieve.

In the same way when black women see and experince black men's mate selection based on very superficial even anti-black criteria they experince this tension, knowing that these are not the choices that black men commited and participating in the 'uplift' push should be making, and that they are transgressing the very fundamental articles of the black advancement belief system. Many black women cannot express the tension they feel in as many words but this is the essence.

Black women recognise that under the the belief system of 'community uplift' black women have a more critical role to play than what they are beeing selected for. This is why many black women become alarmed that black men are increasingly and overwhelmingly making their companion choices based on criteria that are more suited to other groups of men who do not have a job of 'community building' on their hands. Indeed it is for white men of choose their women according to hair grade or colour and waist measurement and whatever other trend takes their fansy. For black men however who should be connecting with the grand notion of 'black uplift' in their choices of mate, it all seems out of place to be preoccupied with hair grade and complexion, when they should be focussed on qualities that would fascilitate the black empowernment agenda eg college education for family wealth building.

I have said that the grand evidence of the fact that black men have essentially disconnected with the 'black uplift' agenda, is to be found in the criteria and specifications they have for their women. Indeed when black men can put together such self-focused books as the below



in which you scan from one end of the book to the other to find something, anything that would show some kind of link to and concern for the higher agenda of black empowernment(as opposed to the self centred 'cater to me the black man'), you will begin to recognise that sadly black women are running with a illusion that they are in partnership with black men on this 'community uplift' journey.

Oh dear, you have black women who are fashioning themselves and focussing on qualitites that connect to the black uplift agenda and on the other hand black men are selecting women for reasons that have very little to do with this grand plan, a fundamental mis match if there ever was one.

So in terms of the discussion I was having with the two black women, there is a 'black uplift' context within which issues can be considered and there is the more general often seemingly more sensible reading of the issue like, 'There are bad men in every race'. Indeed sometimes the logic/sense of concepts within black uplift philosophy sound entirely bizzare and can loose out in general debates(think about how black women often end up looking foolish when they come out on TV to insist that black men should marry only black women as opposed to 'love knows no color'). As a black woman who is aware of the context of black uplift, I understand where they are coming from (I might have other ideas but I still understand their point), but I can see how ridiculous they are looking to mainstream audiences (with their lack of awareness, understanding or indeed endorsement of such an ideology) particularly when the black man in question doesnt appear to be in support or favour of this 'black uplift', perspective.

What happens when a large/significant portion of black men disconnect from the fundamentals of the black uplift doctrine? Well the philosophy of 'accomodation' kicks in. This seeks to justify the activities of black men whatever they may be or to put it in another way, seek to not be critical of whatever choices black men make. This requires, as in the case of the third woman, flitting back to a general context for viewing the issue as opposed to the black uplift context. When I see back women shifting their frameworks in this way it often points to the fact that they have sensed a need to 'protect' black men, who might have come under some form of criticism for their activites and actions these being in direct opposition to the community uplift agenda.


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Understanding 'Flirting' a little bit more

Merry Xmas, Happy Holidays and Prosperous New Year!


Enjoy Chris Rea singing one of my favourite Xmas Songs!


Make this new year the year you will get into the game and play to win. The word 'Game' has been corrupted to mean all sorts of negative things, particularly in the black community, but I want to go back to the real meaning. Therefore I will say 'Get into the game (chess), because life is a game, and get in to win'. Outplay those who have or who are deemed to have the advantage. Yes you can. Obama proved it in a huge way so there are no more excuses.

When you strip it down to its bare bones, he got his basic strategy and then waited for the right opportunity point to launch into the game, and it came; the disillusioned electorate in need of change were willing to take a chance on him. What if he had focussed on the reasons that he couldnt make POTUS (because he even admitted he didnt believe he could) and didnt throw his hat into the ring? Trust me sometimes its a mere wish and a dream that sets you off on a journey, and the only emotion in your gut is fear, but as days become weeks and then months, you will find the little wispy thought taking more shape and becoming more defined in terms of what it is and how it will come to pass. And as with Obama sometimes your basic strategy evolves and reshapes as you gather speed and as you find allies and rescources and understand really what you should be doing with the dream.

Many of you know how to play skip rope. You know that you have to watch for the right string arc to jump in or you will end up with the skipping rope coiled around you. This the way black women (who often feel the cards are stacked against them), need to watch for the point to get into the game.

Imagine the intense concentration on the faces of young black girls trying to detect the right moment to jump in. Thats how you must watch for the right time. There will always be a lull in the proceedings, a change of guard, discontentment in the ranks, boredom with the status quo and a need for new blood etc etc. All these are opportunitites for black women who have erstwhile been excluded to get in to the game, be it as a writer in Hollywood, an actress, a strong contender on the dating scene PROVIDED THEY ARE WATCHING. Quite often when you are moaning and complaining, you are not watching for these opportunities and have already adopted the 'count me out' mindset without even knowing it. When people whine about how things are against them they are often turned away mentally from the game to see when an opportunity presents itself.

Yes life is not fair. Whine if you must but watch. Whine and Watch, your chance will come. And when you are in there you can change the unfair rules!

Enjoy a Good Game

As a kid I always feared loosing so I often never played the family games; snakes and ladders, monopoly etc etc. I am the last child so you can imagine what I had to endure playing with siblings whose experince and broader knowlegde meant I continued to be well and truly trounced till a couple of years ago. I dont know what it was about my siblings but they never just let me win as the last child. I became very thin skinned as a result, sulking and whining about how unfair it all was and the worst part was I wasnt sophisticated enough at that age, to understand how they were winning or that I should just hold my nerve.

But you need to enjoy a good game, to nod at a good move, and bow japanese style to an effective opponent. When you are able to do this, you will put yourself in a place to learn their tricks and skills and to even surpase them in time. If you cannot stand aknowledging their good game (ie dwelling on your loss) then how will you learn their moves?

Teaching Time: Why do we 'flirt'? (If you are sensitive or under 12's please do not read below this point!)

Essentially we flirt to let others know we are available.

I used to think that with animals, the presence of any male and female in a place meant mating could then commence! How silly. Animals send out their own signals to notify of their availability. Usually by the time you see a say 'pigeon' following closely after another (excuse me for being a bit...), we humans are simply observing the tail end (pun intended), of an elaborate mating process that has lead to them seperating in this way.

If there is anything that I can tell the modern woman about the modern man (of every race and creed), is that men are very very afraid of a knock back from a woman. Modern man is a far far cry from cave men who were purpoted to have dragged women off by their hair (I dont believe a word of it). There is something about modern society that has undercut the modern man's ability to be 'manly' and stake his claim without fear and all that and if you think it is bad now, spare a thought for our daughters and those who will be born in a decade from now!

Now you can moan about it or as a wise woman find a way around this modern day situation (remember first you observe the situation, understand it then plan a strategy).

So lets rephrase the issue of flirting in a helpful way for the modern woman: 'The modern woman flirts to tell a man she will not knock him back but would welcome his approach'.

I used to think that men approached women showing flesh and all that because men are attracted to the notion of 'quick sex'. But it is more layered than that. A woman who is dressed in such a manner is essentially stating she is open to the approach of men (this is how men read it). This subtle meaning can get swallowed up in the quick assumption that she is revealing her readiness for sex.

Another thing: 6 inch killer heels.

I am not exactly a short woman. I used to believe that men would be turned off a woman in heels because she might end up 'taller'. Anyway I saw these shoes in the sales and thought 'I think I can afford a few of such, besides it is cheap'. These shoes were weird because they were very comfortable to wear (as heels go), but if you watched me tottering down the road in them you wouldnt think so!

So anyway here is this 'almost six feet' woman clumping down the road and I had men stop to offer me directions I never asked for hmmmm... Apparently I am more approachable in 'six inchers' even to men I had to look down on from a great height. Why? Body language experts etc will talk about how heels accentuate the bottom and calf and maybe how women become more confident etc but again it is a little more layered.

Women in heels particularly ridiculously high ones are advertising their vulnerability in a very obvious way. Think about it. In those heels you can easily topple over (a push over), you cant get away fast for sure. This is totally opposed to what a man needs to be; feet firmly placed on the ground and ready to stand his ground or run even. Heels market to men how totally different a woman is from a man's stance, how vulnerable and precariously perched she is. In a world were men are in increasing competition with women, heels can send a totally non threatening and thus more inviting message about a woman's stance. Women who in manner, appearance and activity show they could never be mistaken for men (or a man could never have those choices), women who in expression of their gender are not ambiguous or unisex often have an edge on the dating scene. I think a man's mental processing of the situation would be, 'This is exactly what a man cannot be and thus this is a woman'. 'I like that'.

I used to wonder why men chased after women with big breasts (I mean why would anyone be interested in oversized breasts when moderate ones are in my view, much more manageable lol!). I believe we are dealing with the same sentiment; big breasts advertise that you are immobilised, and kept in one place! The vulnerability in that is attractive to men!

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Positioning for opportunity: Keep your eye on the Prize

Pardon me for the long silences as I organise to be more effective. It's a long drawn out process unfortunately which I might not complete soon. Part of the process is an E-book for white men wanting to have relationships/freindships with black women. From the stat analysis over the years, a third of the buyer of my first book fall under 'male' category and I know there is a need on the side of white men to have an understanding of where black women are 'at' and indeed coming from in terms of relationships and dating. This book will be the most detailed you will ever find on the topic as it will combine over a decade of research and analysis and fact-gathering from and for the 'white male perspective'. I am a few drafts in to this work (which has a very funny title I must say). Please keep a look out for more info!

Anyway, in the midst of this work and reorganising however, I think it is important to write down a few thoughts at regular intervals for black women. Pardon me of they seem all over the place.



Black women confused and feeling pulled in all directions
Many black women are at this point confused as to what they should believe. Since IR blogging took off, many feel we IR bloggers are revealing truth that have been concealed and obscured to the detriment of black women, and many of our arguments resonate with their experinces. However some are pulled in a different direction. Their deep affection for their community (and how it has been shaped) means they are thinking, 'Is the situation really that bad in the black community in terms of dating?' Should I really be giving up? What of our foremothers had given up? (notice the way the issue of being practical about your situation suddenly starts sliding into an issue of 'race treason', 'giving up', not persevering with trust and belief you should have in blackness, not being a strong woman etc.

Unfortunately the pre-framing of all arguments on having a broader option in terms of dating has confused so many black women that they cant really think with clarity about these issues. Somehow they end up feeling this is about betrayal, rejection of blackness, giving up on black men, everything those who would love to corall black women for the good pleasure and service of their communtites would love them to think it is about, to keep them in place serving as a 'resource' for others. Some black women actually think nothing wrong in being a 'resource' to their race and take great pride in it. In truth they dont have a full understanding of what it means to be a 'resource'!

Indeed many black women remain unaware that the 'black woman as backbone' concept has tranmuted up into something even far more exacting and extreme; the concept of 'black woman as rescource for their communtities'. In the case black women exist for the sole purpose of servicing their community any concern for their personal needs such as for protection, respite, succour, comapnionship are looked upon as self serving, amoral an affront and deviation from the needs of their communtities.

Let me also add here that many of us black women are comfortable with 'suffering' and being in a suffering state. We have become used to it and thats why when there seems a clear way out, we would rather 'wait for black men', or wait for the sitaution to change etc etc. I see women saying, 'I'll give it 2 years etc as if the world and or an opportunity will hang around forever'. If your sense of self is 'founded' on hardship, battling through for victory, going about things the 'hard way', and if this is the only way you actually feel comfortable living your life and attaining your goals then I wont be suprised if you are in the 'lets wait around and see' group of black women of which a significant portion will I am afraid wake up one day and discover they have left things too late. Yes I am actually talking about such things as having a family. A personal family experince has thought me that time is shorter than we think. There is an 'open window' to achieve whatever you want no doubt, but often this gives the sense of stretched out time which is such a deception. 3 years before your detremined cut off date might be your real deadline for things you have planned.

Now in terms of what you should believe. I think it is almost essentiall that black women learn to journal. If you have confusions over issues of this nature learn to put down your observations in written form. I have said that the most important perspective in this whole issue is your reality. Are you being treated well and good in your options for now, do you have a healthy number of relationship prospects ie available men. If you do then nothing else but this reality should inform your actions. Do not be overtly worried about what Halima says about the situation or that which other 'contenders' for your affiliation might say, as long as they do not rhymn with your everyday experince, pay the lot of us no mind! This is simple and straight forward.

Also and most importantly, 'keep your eye on the prze'. This is the overall and most important thing. If you want to date and get into a long term relationship, have children, have a career etc etc keep that goal always before you. You will find your unconscious mind will begin to look for ways to bring this about. When I was learning to drive, I stuck a cut out car on my wall, where I could see this everyday. I must tell you that I am a slow learner in such things but even in the dark days of learning, when I just wanted to give up or was too tired to wake up to take my morning lessons, my unconcious mind worked its way towards my goal until I got my licence! As we move into a new year I would encourage black women to do the visual game (I like the idea of the 'possibilities book' in the film 'Last Holiday' with queen Latifah in fact NLP preaches it!). Use a code word if you are conscious of others seeing your dreams spelt out boldly but you know that MTY means 'married this year'.

When you keep your mind and eyes on the 'PRIZE', it determines what and how you will do things. This is what I talked about in the Obama Lessons (see below). Obama had his goal set before him and therefore he plotted a straigh course infront of him which didnt involve dilly dallying on a beach in california, arguing for excess bee cultivation in Brazil etc. When you have a goal, you have focus, when you have a goal you jettison excess baggage to reach it, when you have a goal you streamline to achieve it. And thats what you want for the new year; goals acheived!

Get clued up about interracial dating in the IR Dating E-Book

Send your questions to relationshipadvice@dateawhiteguybook.com (I will try my best to give a reply/answer)

Free E-book on 'The New Way to Date', from Author Ian Coburn. Download from http://www.godisawoman.net/Articles/The%20New%20Way%20to%20Date%20ebook%20-%205%20Steps%20to%20Great%20Dating.pdf

Subverting the 'ought to' Codes!

Let me say this to people. Success is not all that hard. The ability to progress and move forward is in the human DNA. Sometimes the way black folks talk about black problems you'd think that we all need to go get a PHD to enable us work out our situation. Yet, it is for the simple fact that we have lost sight of the very basic principles that even most unsophisticated societies know and act on that black folks find themselves as a collective in dire situations. I often see black folks as running about looking for 'high level' solutions, when they should simply go back to the basics and so much would fall into place.

Now I was happy to hear a comment by one of the readers on another IR blog that the 'climate' seems to be changing for black women. She cited her experince of flirting with an Asian and white guy soon after Obama was declared the election winner (and his black wife michelle and two lovely daughters took world focus). She said that it appears men are looking at black women with a new gaze, as if seeing them with fresh eyes. I am so happy for this and say this is one thing I have been looking forward to; a situation of 'harvest' for black women, not just one or two hard fought wins, but a kind of general fertile atmosphere within which black women can reap and reap with little effort.

I want to warn you that there are some people who will want you to keep focussing only on black men for relationships and engaging in those age old conversations and back and forths about black men dating other races that takes a whole lot of black womens energy and critical time. Indeed I heard that a talk show host (a black man) is doing some sort of phone in show on the topic. When black men see that black womens's attention might be going elsewhere, they try to pull them back into the same ol talk and preoccupation. Trust me the idea that a growing number of black women are not obsessing over them and their ativities would send some black men into cardiac arrest. I have unearthed the fact that one of the decided (unwritten) criteria for true black womanhood within the black group, is that black women have to be focused on black men; their activities, their choices, their every move etc etc etc. I will be writing about this topic in the near future.

Sisters, particularly those who are my usual audience, dont waste your time on old and gone things. This is how folks prevent you from looking up and seeing new opportunities. When you are involved in the tooing and froing over black males dating choice, guess what? available and willing men just keep passing by. Now if you want to enagage in such debates then make sure it is to drop the seed of wisdom for other black women who are bound in the loop of hashing and rehasing and obsessing over black men. Put enough info out there for them to know they have other choices, something which the 'black community establishment' would rather they not know and avail themselves of.

Positioning for success

1) Get rid of the urge to 'conform' to what a black woman ought to be
Many of us, without even being aware are acting under black instructions of what I call the 'ought to codes'; how black women ought to talk, see things, feel about things, analysis issues, respond to issues etc etc. I remember being in a women's meeting a while back where a black woman expressed her point of view and suddenly there were all these cries of objection from black women, with one woman jumping up from her seat, and with a stern lecturing voice and even sterner face, tell her how she 'ought not to have 'thought that way' (as a black woman)'. You see as black women, we 'ought not' certain things. We ought not to think certain ways, we ought not to say certain things, we ought not to reach certain conclussions, ought not to take a certain line of action' etc etc etc. This is one key reason why a lot of 'black women's meetings' are unproductive and we black women, havent found a way out of the pit we are in as a group, even though thousands meet regularly all round the country. It is because when we come together we are still operating under notions of what we 'ought to' or 'ought not to' be doing, saying even feeling as black women, so our brain is not free to revolve 360 degrees in search of solutions. At the end of the day, there is only so much we can achieve in such a restricted frame of mind!

Black women are constantly in a straitjacket in terms of what they ought to and ought not do and it has become so instinctive in many that when they hear something spoken outside these accepted terms, they will immediately jump up to push the errant female back in line even if this woman was simply speaking from her pure observations of issues and what her senses were telling her about a situation, yet this is totally unacceptable if it clashes with what she 'ought to be saying'.

Let me tell you black women if you dont know this, there is a reason why the creator gave us five senses. It's that we can respond to what they are telling us about the environment and plot a favourable cause of action! If you dont respond to hot and cold appropraitely by putting on more or less clothing for instance, you could die. If you refuse to heed the blaring horns of a truck, you will get run over! You cannot afford to make a practice of discounting your sense-fed internal intelligence.

If you engage in switching off your senses so as to be more in line with what you 'ought to' be feeling, saying or doing, then you are already in trouble because it will be hard to unlearn this activity and your life will be all about fufilling the 'ought to' requirements rather than what your senses say is needed in the situation. At the extreme end of this, you will reprogram your sense till you are unaware of how you really feel and see things. No wonder we cant get many black women to plot a straight course from 'their needs' to 'the solution'. With all the manipulation going on with black women in their community, with people doing all they can to separate black women from their real needs(even the most basic and practical ones like self preservation), many black women are going to have to be re-taught how to reconnect with their needs as communicated by their senses.

Try this excercise, whenever you feel the 'ought to' response arise within you due to any situation, stop and think about the 'intelligence from your senses'. Think, 'But what do my eyes see?,' or 'What is the conclussion from what my eyes and ears are telling me?' Get to know your real 'sense feelings and responses', even if you choose to overide these.


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Congratulations to the New Born America!

America has been reborn.

The whole idea of electing the son of a Kenyan, black and with a name like Hussein and Obama as President of the United State, means more than folks can even begin to understand and we on the ouside of it all, have been watching keenly, hoping and praying that America will show itself of the supreme moral fibre to do something which no other western country (despite their claims of open mindedness and fairness and all that stuff), has.

The symbolism is awesome,

The symbolism is awesome

This is a time when we can role back the evils of the past symbolically. Remember I say symbolically. But symbolically is enough for those who have positioned themselves to advance. Those who want to ride some gravy trains will be in trouble.

I have republican readers and I want to say that Mccain was admirable. His concession speech had me tearing up with how eloquent and succint it was. It just wasnt I believe, the season for republicans (the fundamentals just didnt favour it). However as sure as seasons change, Republicans time will come round. My prayer is that we will see the birth of a new republican party that does not major on fear and division and stiring up the coarser instincts in us all. Mccain was and still is a worthy opponent (not too sure about all that stuff with Palin though).


Black women savor this moment.

I just want to say to bw, its time to position yourself for the opportunity change brings.

I will be speaking to you about strategies for positioning yourself for victory. Yes the image strongholds are being destroyed, entrenched ideas that people refused to give up are being rent apart, what replaces it is what you black women of today will decide. Dont waste this opportunity to steer towards the right future and secure it for your daughters and grand daughters!

There is a new army of bw emerging.

Now when I think of it, my blogging, the springing up of women empowernment blogs and messages all around, even the 'turning' of the content of magazines and media to black female prioritising ones, all seems very timely. Who could have known that when we all started out that it was all building up to this point where a 'new-minded' set of black women would be able to position themselves and take advantage of the season of opportunity.

Now let me say this, I see Obama's victory not in terms ushering in anything but a symbolic release for the black person. There will be no handouts, in fact I think handouts will be cut to black folks. But the thing to grasp here is that, symbolic strongholds have and are being destroyed for black women. The stronghold of the image of bw as luckless, unloved, irresponsible, destroyer of civilisations destructions is being dealth a serious blow with the presence of Michelle and her two little ones. When folks try to pigeon hole black women the way they always do, into these category, the idea and oresence of Michelle will wobble that picture. Even the idea of bw not the consort of any powerful man is being destroyed right before our eyes. Now take a moment to think, 'How will I position myself to reap from this fertile period?'

The Obama Lessons

Lets just say that I have been following the Presidential Race with close interest. As a person of color I have been 'peturbed' at the constant attempt to position Barack Obama as the 'other' due to his Moslem name as well as his Step Father's Moslem religion but more than that, I have seen a calculated attempt to play into white Americas basest instincts around race with Moslem often serving as proxy for black. But I have also seen how '2 can play at this game'.

For sure, many black folks think they dont have any cards to play in such a situation, that essentially race is 'game over'! I think Obama has highlighted that it is not as clear cut as that.

I read somewhere that one of the key people on Obama's campaign team, 'specialises' in electing black officials to public office. How true this is, is for others to decide, but one thing i am sure of is that black women can learn a few lessons on how to win amidst having all the cards heavily stacked against them (as many are so throughly convinced). As black women many of us do feel we have drawn all the bad cards (this is despite protestations of how wonderful we feel and how we love ourselves like nothing else!). Many of us display our true feelings by eliminating ourselves from the runnings, because we do our calculations on the face of things. Yet I watched as Obama, despite knowing how race is such a sticking point in American, still 'roll the dice' because in the game of life, you can never predict how matters will play out.

This is the first lesson.

Do not do yourself out of a chance no matter how ridiculously low you might rate your chances. I will admit that when Obama announced he would be running for the democratic ticket, I just turned the channel. It is a commentary against myself that I not only didnt give him a chance (as many white seemed willing to for whatever reason), I started to have the 'here we go again, another half backed black person trying to make a name' thoughts.

In truth, those you deem as folks with the best advantage can end up by the wayside. For one, they can end up cancelling each other out. Lets face it, we are left with an Obama Biden ticket largely in part because a few strong contenders got cancelled out at some point in the race, and left Obama and Biden 'last men standing'. Increasingly in America, we are seeing race become just one of a number of things that can count against you (alongside gender, being a smoker, eating meat, and a whole heap of endless reasons)not the only probable thing!

In the area of relationships and taking up their wider options, I often see black women give up the center stage for those they feel will get the man because they are better credentialled. Many refuse to compete in the free relationship market for instance, and I hear them talk about how Asian women are the interracial woman of choice and if a white man is 'open' he most definitely is not looking at black women. Yes, even on public forums I see black women demolish themselves, reciting for everyone, all the reasons they feel they wont be looked on favourably (in other words putting in men's minds ideas about black woman's unattractiveness), sometimes coming up with new ones that no one has ever thought about. But winning often times means just showing up, being you, working in your unique gifts and strengths and that which you often underate, is essentially what is desired and required. I have written blog posts in the past about attraction to opposites and how many white men are not necessarily stuck on the BEBH standard but the self-doubt lingers I am afraid.

Does race hinder? I can assure you it does but Obama's race has both hindered and enabled him. Many white liberals are clinging to him as a symbol of change, of a new America, of resolving the past and indeed, what better symbol of all that than a mixed race black man (one of the people excluded from mainstream) becoming president of the united states. You could ask for no better symbol of America turning over a new leaf than that!

Obama has actually played a whole lot of racist folks at their own game. You see the thing about racism (the liberal one at least), is that it requires 'oxygen' for sustainance meaning it needs stereotypes. Obama has worked at starving the latent racists of the stereotypes they need to activate their racism, so the aggressive black man or any reaction that could feed this view has been thoroughly expunged. Obama has bent over backwards to play the generous, gentleman even at points it made him look a little like a dormat.

Second lesson. Always keep your eye on the goal. The goal will determine how you play the game. Once you get yourself off this focus, you are in deep trouble. This is because you will react to everything and everyone instead of choosing your battles carefully and strategically to move you towards your goal, responding or not responding as your goal dictates, just like Obama has done with his 'no comments' remarks recently. Obama I feel has been well instructed in this regard; small victories rather than opponent crushing, generosity and gentlemanliness as opposed to justified retaliation, these have enabled him to avoid scaring white folk away from voting for him because he is an 'angry black man'. Sooner or later, life will require that you play a chess game, that you not show your hand so freely, or 'loose your rag' even if you would be justified to do so.

I know many black women feel they have a right to 'throw down' and 'throw out punches' when provoked. Sadly this derails many from achieveing their goals and dreams, with many folks toying with them since their psychology in this regard is known all too well.

Study your situation, understand how you are positioned in the general mind, not so you can be discouraged but so you can laugh because you are aware of what is arrayed against you and how you can effectively nuetralise these. When you know other peoples mindsets, you are always one step ahead. I often have reason to say that black women have a critical lack of insight into their social positioning and a grasp of the general perspectives out there on black womanhood, and I means both within black circles as well as wider. That's why anyone can play black women like a banjo, anyone can come along and spin us a long yarn and we fall for it so easily. Folks have no problem mobilising us against our very own interests and we are always the last to know how we are being played. We are betrayed by what I feel is a general refusal on black women's part to come to grips with the social reality of black women so we can play to win! We would rather believe that certain folks love and support us, even in the midst of getting some serious 'kicking' by same people.

Yes, I have seen people turn black women into the attack dogs who get the blame and the bad name while they get the results. At a meeting recently I watched a black woman, 'throw down'. The woman ended up with her image dented by taking on a 'brothas' cause, yet the brother in question knew at what point he needed to back down, to avoid looking bitter and angry. She didnt and went all out obviously to 'support' a brotha as a good black woman should, with the result that she ended up 'the one to avoid'. Damaging our reputation and our chances for romance, by declaring loudly and publicly (and in ways that puts down other men) how sold out we are for 'the brotha's' when even the brotha themselves are employing diplomacy and deciding against such 'bridge burning', is one clear example of how black women are so painfully oblivious to their situation in society and they continue to pay a price they can hardly afford!

Who will win the presidential race? I have no idea but there are lessons being taught, and wise women are taking note!

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Get clued up about interracial dating in the IR Dating E-Book

Send your questions to relationshipadvice@dateawhiteguybook.com (I will try my best to give a reply/answer)