We have been having very thought provoking discussions on a number of black female empowerment blogs and a few days ago on Khadija’s Blog , we came round to the question, ‘Why are many black women not creative in the pursuit of their advancement?’ You give some simple, straight forward suggestions and instead of ‘taking off’ with it, or at least doing something with it to a little extent, they come back to you with the most basic of questions of how to make it happen, or they become more creative and fast thinking in pointitng out reasons why it wont work.
Many black women when given some insight and the outline of a strong strategy that will launch them to another level, respond in a way that can cause one to wonder whether they are really serious about moving forward. This can be very frustrating for many of us who want to see black women win because while I do not discount the fact that some black women genuinely do not know how to help themselves out on the most basic level (a situation which is very worrying in itself), these ‘I cant even figure out how to put my left foot in front of my right without help’, responses can suggest there is no real desire to move away from a situation and excuse making just to stay put.
Many of you are acquainted with the ‘Hole in the bucket’ ditty made popular by Harry Belafonte. Essentially a guy wants to get out of helping fix a bucket by pointing out obstacles to getting this simple task done.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/There's_a_hole_in_the_bucket
The strong sentiment communicated by his inability to do any 101 thinking around plugging a hole in a bucket, is that he does not really want to do it or he prefers the situation (lazing in the sun) as it is.
Not wanting to do any rudimentary thinking to put a plan into action, and not wanting to exert oneself in this regard, speaks to being comfortable in a situation or maybe still, not wanting the ‘change’ strong enough.
I want to point out a few other reasons why black women don’t want change.
Some black women have decided that black womanhood is about ‘singing the blues’.
In might not be a well formed thought and understanding in their minds but on some level this is how they understand black womanhood. They essentially feel that black women’s lot in life is to ‘sing the blues’; go through hardships and make it through the fire and just have a catalogue of complaints in tact and in place and ‘the lord will wipe away their tears some day’. This can mean that black women can indeed both seek out and set up situations that turn out this way.
I do believe that a host of back-to-front injunctions from the black community leads black women into a whole heap of hardship, yet at a point black women connect with this ‘identity of the blues.’ What happens however when black women latch unto the idea of ‘change’ or ‘more’ without addressing the deep rooted belief that black womanhood is about hurt and pain? Well it sets up self-sabotaging behaviour, resistance to doing anything real and practical towards making the change happen, or fault finding and lack of creativeness around suggestion towards coming out of dire situations.
Remember that our foremothers had woes aplenty. It is not suprising then that there are those of us (many at that) who have come to identify with a ‘woe is me’ life, in fact we have made it a ‘culture,’ and seek it out as a situation (most often subconsciously) regardless of talk to the opposite.
Many black women’s deep instincts on this is, ‘What’s a black woman without her blues situation?’ So when you suggest to them a way out, how they can have it better, or stress free, drama free existence, how they don’t need to suffer lack of men or not have to carry back breaking burdens, they get mighty uncomfortable because that is definitely not a black woman to them.
Deep down and without even processing it on a conscious level, black women who belong to the cult of the 'blues,' are saying, ‘That doesn’t sound like a black woman,’ ‘Where is the pain situation, where is the burden and the heavy load I have to labour under to really be a true black woman?’
This is a key reason why, when shown how we can move away from lack, some of us will find ourselves going back to or gravitating towards websites and forums that dwell on our pain situation without a clear plan and encouragement towards real solutions (beyond hope and pray and 'if we love urselves more it will happen'). Or we continue to moan and complain about lack of men and what have you and essentially thats all we are ready to do, because that’s what it is all about; its not about complaining towards a solution but complaining posibly to blow off steam and then go back to the situation. Yep, 'whats a black woman without her complaint ?’huh. That sure aint no real black woman.
The life of a martyr and the life of suffering is so tightly bound to the identity of many black women that they just automatically move to where there is woe and burdens to be carried.
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Thursday, April 23, 2009
Saturday, April 18, 2009
You cannot love Black Men Unconditionally and maintain a Positive Regard for Black Women
I never watch the Tyra Banks show. I have come across it once or twice, when I was in the room where it was being watched by others. I have heard it being said that Tyra does not support black women. I am not aware of this and being a fan of ANTM, I would probably say she is supportive of black women, and in a recent cycle of the program, I sensed her upset when the black contestants did not make it past the six week mark. In fact when the last minority girl left at week seven I saw Tyra visibly upset.
However this ‘supportiveness’ of sisters can go out of the window under a different setting. When the people involved are black men and black women, and in this situation, I see how easily black women like Tyra might suddenly turn towards favouring black men and disdaining black women. And this might be what some of you have observed, and commented about on her talk shows, where it was said that she gives black men ‘the benefit of doubt’ and tolerance for the actions and activities that she would vilify her female guests for. An example is her warm response to Denis Rodman compared with that to Karen Stefans of video vixen fame.
Black women have ‘learnt’ how to be unsupportive of other black women over the years particularly in service of black men.
Back to the topic at hand. I said above, that you cannot love black men unconditionally and maintain a regard for black women. You must love one and hate the other. This is simply to say that hanging on to your unconditional love and support of black men requires that you get irritated and fed up with black women and downright hostile towards them on the whole. It will require you having major problems and a negative attitude towards fellow black women, and a clear impatience with their struggles and complaints.
Have you ever wondered why you are short and often irritated with fellow black women sometimes just by them walking past you? I am not talking about being exasperated with the foolish things they do sometimes, I mean you just suddenly and without provocation, fly off the handle with them or become impatient and then later wonder why you were so easily irritated with black women. Well better check to see, maybe its because you want to retain your good imagery of black men and black women are distorting this picture for you.
Lets face it, black women are complaining about mistreatment at the hands of black men. They talk about being victimized, and discriminated against, of being the ‘target’ of black men’s anger etc. For any black woman to want to continue to hang onto her regard, unconditional love, support and faith in black men, outbursts and fall outs with your ’sistas’ are are given, as the presence of these women will not allow you to keep up the pretence of saintly brotherhood any longer. They are indeed turning the channel away from your preferred picture of black men and each day the evidence that they are not the men you had hoped to pin your black hopes and dreams to mounts, and so will tensions and frictions with the ones who are forcing you to reassess this sacred perspective.
Think about that next time you feel ’irritated’ by black women and their condition.
Get clued up about interracial dating in the IR Dating E-Book
Send your questions to relationshipadvice@dateawhiteguybook.com (I will try my best to give a reply/answer)
However this ‘supportiveness’ of sisters can go out of the window under a different setting. When the people involved are black men and black women, and in this situation, I see how easily black women like Tyra might suddenly turn towards favouring black men and disdaining black women. And this might be what some of you have observed, and commented about on her talk shows, where it was said that she gives black men ‘the benefit of doubt’ and tolerance for the actions and activities that she would vilify her female guests for. An example is her warm response to Denis Rodman compared with that to Karen Stefans of video vixen fame.
Black women have ‘learnt’ how to be unsupportive of other black women over the years particularly in service of black men.
Back to the topic at hand. I said above, that you cannot love black men unconditionally and maintain a regard for black women. You must love one and hate the other. This is simply to say that hanging on to your unconditional love and support of black men requires that you get irritated and fed up with black women and downright hostile towards them on the whole. It will require you having major problems and a negative attitude towards fellow black women, and a clear impatience with their struggles and complaints.
Have you ever wondered why you are short and often irritated with fellow black women sometimes just by them walking past you? I am not talking about being exasperated with the foolish things they do sometimes, I mean you just suddenly and without provocation, fly off the handle with them or become impatient and then later wonder why you were so easily irritated with black women. Well better check to see, maybe its because you want to retain your good imagery of black men and black women are distorting this picture for you.
Lets face it, black women are complaining about mistreatment at the hands of black men. They talk about being victimized, and discriminated against, of being the ‘target’ of black men’s anger etc. For any black woman to want to continue to hang onto her regard, unconditional love, support and faith in black men, outbursts and fall outs with your ’sistas’ are are given, as the presence of these women will not allow you to keep up the pretence of saintly brotherhood any longer. They are indeed turning the channel away from your preferred picture of black men and each day the evidence that they are not the men you had hoped to pin your black hopes and dreams to mounts, and so will tensions and frictions with the ones who are forcing you to reassess this sacred perspective.
Think about that next time you feel ’irritated’ by black women and their condition.
Get clued up about interracial dating in the IR Dating E-Book
Send your questions to relationshipadvice@dateawhiteguybook.com (I will try my best to give a reply/answer)
Tuesday, April 07, 2009
Is this Unforgivable?
Not if you are a Black woman. As black woman you must find it in your heart to pull up an excuse for the clear undeniable messages being sent about the image of the woman who is you. You must pretend you dont see it, and dont care, or that its not a big deal to you (I mean who wants to be a sexual object anyway, black women dont need to be objectified uggh!).
You must push away the cringing shame that washes over you from knowing that everybody around sees and understands what black men are saying loud and clear about black women and her unique looks, that they are in no way objects of male fantasy and can afford to be excluded from the runnings of 'desirable womanhood', they dont need to be feted and sought out as a companion when a man has arrived. You must sustain the belief that they really dont see or notice these things, its an inhouse secret among blacks only!
You must shrug off any anger that you might start to feel indeed reprimand yourself for even entertaining anger against a 'brotha' rather than 'understanding' the deeper issues and forces at work here. You must look into the issue closely to see if in someway you and we as black women contributed to this outcome. Was it our penchant for weaves perhaps that contributed to this result? Indeed if we loved and embraced our natural hair wouldn't black men do same? Therefore it must be our fault.
Whatever you do, find an excuse, shrug off your anger, suppress it, work it off by taking a long run, turn it inwards but never let yourself get angry at a black man, or abandon the notion that your loyalty must remain exclusively with them. Be happy that at least she is still a 'woman of color'.
Anyway all this stuff about beauty is not important really, black women have bigger fish to fry {sarcasm off}
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Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Keeping black women in an unproductive conversation loop
Once again the issue of interracial dating made an appearance in one of the local black papers around where I live. When I picked up the paper, I felt transported back in time. This magazine was still recycling the old conversations we had had in the 20th century. The article on interracial dating and other related reporting were once again focussed on interracial dating as 'something black men do and black women complain about'. Black women were positioned again as trying to bring black men back to the fold and griping about loosing out to other women while black men were positioned as the cynosure of all female eyes.
I asked myself then, 'Why are they still stuck in the 1985 conversation?'. You see this set format dictates the ensuing script, the one which requires a black man talking about how lovely his nonblack partner is, and a black women bitterly complaining about black men abandoning black women for white women.
I observe this same 'stuck in a time warp' format over and over in mainstream TV. When Jerry or Ricki or any of the other daytime talk show hosts want to do a show on interracial dating they ask black women to file into the 'complainers' corner and ask white women and black men to go over to the defense. As I explained in 'Supposing I wanted to date a White Guy...?', this effectively 'traps' black women's image in the forlorn, discarded, unattractive loser category, and places her white female in the sought after, universally attractive category. A reluctance to move this script on denotes a comfort with the roles assigned to each and the fact that dividends accrue to other groups from black women being low positioned.
Indeed, the fact that after many years, it doesnt occur to folks that things have moved on and we need new stories and new view points, testifies to the fact that there is a 'status quo' need to keep black women's image in the unattractive category. This is also in line with the general media theme of presenting an unappealing image of black women.
So what about black media, and why do black women get kept in the 'forever bleating over black man' loop. Well its simple really, this 'framing' keeps black women looking at interracial dating as something wrong, something for black men, and something they have to fight to win black men back from. Trapped within this loop of thinking means black women never get out of seeing interracial dating as a negative thing, and indeed shunning it in their personal choices to remain consistent (yes black women show themselves to be very worried and particular about being moral and consistent in their belief systems and this is often used to secure them in place). Job done!
So it has been identified that best way to keep black women from getting any ideas about interracial dating is to keep the focus and framing and the age old conversations going.
Also black female journalists continue to be unthinking, framing their writings and journalistic investigations to fit in with this formula (never bothering to analyze what effect keeping things the way they are has on black women). But this is no suprise really as many continue to believe that the black female's only preoccupation should be serving the fight for the black community, and this should be the only organising precept for black women's lives, actions and choices.
Years ago I met one of the black newspaper editors in a book signing event and spoke to him at length about the book etc. He nodeded in agreement at the points I made and as we were about to part company, he said to me, 'I suppose you want a mention in my column'. I said 'Yes of course please do'. I must add here that I dont believe that black men can be fairminded in this respect. I believe that most are self serving, and out for themselves. I believe that they have been so spoilt and catered to within the black movement that now, the average black man continues to view issues in terms of all he can get out of it, and is unfit for considering anything beyond himself particularly anything as far removed from his immediate gratification as 'black uplift'.
And guess what, this editor proved me correct because after waiting for weeks for him to honor his promise, the article he finally trotted out months later was still the same old drivel centering on black men and their choices with the necessary accompanying picture of a black male in a romantic clinch with a white female. Once again it was about focussing black women on black men and their interracial activities and thus getting black women all caught up in the whole unproductive discussion about, 'Why do black men date white women' and 'How do we get our black men back'. These folks have been succesfully 'mind guarding' black women from a productive consideration of interracial dating particularly as something for them also.
See the aim here is not to somehow find a solution or bring about dialogue, it is about keeping black women occupied in fruitless concerns so they dont move on or off with their lives. Indeed most of these male editors are sitting on necessary conversations and ideas just to keep the status quo in place, and I am not just talking about the area of relationships. Many of us are wondering why the black community is going down the drain. It is indeed going down because the class of black people in charge of communicating life saving information are either trying to maintain the big fish in a little pond situation and are thinking, 'If I release this information or this finding etc, things will move on and out from my domination and control'.
And to add, I feel very sad for black women who invest the level of trust and hope they do in the black man being fair and considerate towards them. If they really knew how these men operate and that the only thought in the vast majority of these men is 'getting theirs', many of these women would have a heart attack. I can never trust black men with moving the interest of black women on, even if they get themselves a sex change. Selfishness and opportunism have become the key features of black male politics and it is as clear as day to observe, that is apart from those desperate not to see!
Get clued up about interracial dating with the Interracial Dating E-Book
Send your questions to relationshipadvice@dateawhiteguybook.com (I will try my best to give a reply/answer)
I asked myself then, 'Why are they still stuck in the 1985 conversation?'. You see this set format dictates the ensuing script, the one which requires a black man talking about how lovely his nonblack partner is, and a black women bitterly complaining about black men abandoning black women for white women.
I observe this same 'stuck in a time warp' format over and over in mainstream TV. When Jerry or Ricki or any of the other daytime talk show hosts want to do a show on interracial dating they ask black women to file into the 'complainers' corner and ask white women and black men to go over to the defense. As I explained in 'Supposing I wanted to date a White Guy...?', this effectively 'traps' black women's image in the forlorn, discarded, unattractive loser category, and places her white female in the sought after, universally attractive category. A reluctance to move this script on denotes a comfort with the roles assigned to each and the fact that dividends accrue to other groups from black women being low positioned.
Indeed, the fact that after many years, it doesnt occur to folks that things have moved on and we need new stories and new view points, testifies to the fact that there is a 'status quo' need to keep black women's image in the unattractive category. This is also in line with the general media theme of presenting an unappealing image of black women.
So what about black media, and why do black women get kept in the 'forever bleating over black man' loop. Well its simple really, this 'framing' keeps black women looking at interracial dating as something wrong, something for black men, and something they have to fight to win black men back from. Trapped within this loop of thinking means black women never get out of seeing interracial dating as a negative thing, and indeed shunning it in their personal choices to remain consistent (yes black women show themselves to be very worried and particular about being moral and consistent in their belief systems and this is often used to secure them in place). Job done!
So it has been identified that best way to keep black women from getting any ideas about interracial dating is to keep the focus and framing and the age old conversations going.
Also black female journalists continue to be unthinking, framing their writings and journalistic investigations to fit in with this formula (never bothering to analyze what effect keeping things the way they are has on black women). But this is no suprise really as many continue to believe that the black female's only preoccupation should be serving the fight for the black community, and this should be the only organising precept for black women's lives, actions and choices.
Years ago I met one of the black newspaper editors in a book signing event and spoke to him at length about the book etc. He nodeded in agreement at the points I made and as we were about to part company, he said to me, 'I suppose you want a mention in my column'. I said 'Yes of course please do'. I must add here that I dont believe that black men can be fairminded in this respect. I believe that most are self serving, and out for themselves. I believe that they have been so spoilt and catered to within the black movement that now, the average black man continues to view issues in terms of all he can get out of it, and is unfit for considering anything beyond himself particularly anything as far removed from his immediate gratification as 'black uplift'.
And guess what, this editor proved me correct because after waiting for weeks for him to honor his promise, the article he finally trotted out months later was still the same old drivel centering on black men and their choices with the necessary accompanying picture of a black male in a romantic clinch with a white female. Once again it was about focussing black women on black men and their interracial activities and thus getting black women all caught up in the whole unproductive discussion about, 'Why do black men date white women' and 'How do we get our black men back'. These folks have been succesfully 'mind guarding' black women from a productive consideration of interracial dating particularly as something for them also.
See the aim here is not to somehow find a solution or bring about dialogue, it is about keeping black women occupied in fruitless concerns so they dont move on or off with their lives. Indeed most of these male editors are sitting on necessary conversations and ideas just to keep the status quo in place, and I am not just talking about the area of relationships. Many of us are wondering why the black community is going down the drain. It is indeed going down because the class of black people in charge of communicating life saving information are either trying to maintain the big fish in a little pond situation and are thinking, 'If I release this information or this finding etc, things will move on and out from my domination and control'.
And to add, I feel very sad for black women who invest the level of trust and hope they do in the black man being fair and considerate towards them. If they really knew how these men operate and that the only thought in the vast majority of these men is 'getting theirs', many of these women would have a heart attack. I can never trust black men with moving the interest of black women on, even if they get themselves a sex change. Selfishness and opportunism have become the key features of black male politics and it is as clear as day to observe, that is apart from those desperate not to see!
Get clued up about interracial dating with the Interracial Dating E-Book
Send your questions to relationshipadvice@dateawhiteguybook.com (I will try my best to give a reply/answer)
Sunday, March 08, 2009
Short and Sharp Lesson
A couple of months ago, I was seeking a plane ticket to travel out of the country. I did my research and discovered that there were competitive rates given by just a few companies to that destination. Anyway I phoned around to about 5 agents, and couldnt get a flight for the specific date I had in mind, 23rd of April. I was still insistent on finding a flight for the specific date though, that I phoned another travel agent on the off chance.
After being on the phone for 3 minutes, the man on the other end, told me that he would have to go into an 'advanced stage search' because he hadnt been able to get me the date I wanted. Again I was on hold for 3 minutes.
Just as I was about to give it all up and sign off, he said aha....
When I droped the phone twenty minutes later, I was kicking myself for two things; for spending 20 mins and still not having a ticket to show.
How was I strung along by a person who knew in the first 30 seconds, that they didnt have a ticket for the date I wanted?
In the analysis of it, it is quite clear to see that I was roped along because of my desperate desire for a ticket for the 23rd.
The way travel agencies work over here is that they are all interlinked (not just being owned by same families or parent companies or even person!), they are also working with the same airlines, so they all pretty much have the same dates available though you can get a few 'quid' knocked off the final price depending on which Agency you go with. So the variation is on price and hardly ever on travel dates. AND I KNEW THIS.
After the first four minutes I knew I wasnt going to get the ticket because I had previously phoned 5-6 agents and they didnt have any, but I kept on the phone, because I was so invested in that ticket on the 23rd and the dangled carrot in front of me that it might just be possible.
Not only that, the man on the other end was a skilled manipulator. Something in my voice must have communicated that I was desperate and that means ripe for stringing along. Humans are intuitive and just at any point he sensed I was about to give my quest for a ticket up, either by my breathing change or my beginning a sentence to that effect, he would make the appropraite comments to keep me hanging on. He said things like 'now here we go ..., annnnnnd..., just two seconds here and I'll.... .
A combination of black women's desperate desire to keep alive the dream of a coming black utopia (built by black men and women) combined with the understanding that this desperation can be capitalized on for personal gain, by those who wouldnt be too worried if 'black love' and 'black unity' happened or not (largely the black male section of the black community), and you have this situation where black women are continually strung along, misused and exploited by the dangeled promise of utopia coming to pass. And this is exactly what is happening, people whisper in your ear at the appropraite times that they need to, to keep you on course, and then they sit back and enjoy the fruits of your dedication and toil towards the dream. For some, the gain is purely psychological and is the fact that you will always be around as a safety net if they ever need you or the knowledge that you are sitting at home yearning for a black man and the huge ego boost this gives them.
But guess what, just as it was my money clocking up on that phone by that unscrupulous agent who refused to let go of my custom even though he knew he wasnt going to give me the ticket afterall, it is your biological clock ticking as you wait in hope of 'black love' and 'black marriage' etc spurred on by the appropraitely timed responses of a casual male friend with priviledges, even other black women who cannot imagine not working towards 'black utopia'.
Yes as clear as it was in that situation, you are the one paying for this quest, therefore you need to be the one with more sense to call it a day. If the other party has nothing to lose either way and most importantly is investing minimally and is able to gain more from the situation, they will continue to keep it going.
I dare you to have the courage to drop the phone!
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Sunday, February 22, 2009
Are Black Women ready to join hands?
I have been thinking about the relationship black women have with each other a lot lately and how it impacts our working together to pull ourselves out from a deep hole. I was a naive one to believe that black women were and are invested in having open and honest discussions with each other about our current crisis as black women and I am talking particularly about the 'intellectuals' and well versed among us. I thought that at least I could count on black women being upfront with each other and not hiding critical knowledge. I used to think that those who prided themselves as being intellectuals would be too conflicted internally at the idea of employing intellectual dishonesty in conversation with fellow sisters and would not put forward arguments they didnt believe deep down.
I used to think that the vigorous defences many of these black women mount on behalf of black men are real and because they are convinced. I have discovered however that many are doing so without conviction and with huge doubts about the men they are defending and asking fellow black women to go on trusting and holding out for. Some argue this way knowing of more evidence to suggest an even more dire situation than is presently understood, and many are indeed sitting on information and analysis and insight that could be useful in 'liberating' their fellow black women!
The level of dishonesty was illuminated for me when a woman I knew to be a proponent of 'black unity' and equally a vigorous black male defender, was having a crisis of faith. She talked about how she had always stuck up for black men and she was now seeing that rather than return the favour, they were so deeply selfish and self serving. She more or less admitted that she did what she thought she needed to do for brothers. I shook my head because it had all been a 'routine' for her. In her zeal to serve black men she had lost sight of the critical fact that many black women would have been lulled into complacency by her actions.
But then I guess this undescores how that black women get their 'sisterhood' from the relationship they have with black men quite unlike white women who define 'sisterhood' through their relationship with other women.
Her whole dilemma by the way, reminds me of that Mary J Blige song 'Not Gon Cry' where she sings, 'All the time that I was loving you, you were busy loving yourself'. Its a real deep song that spells out perfectly the one way relationship black women have been having with black men.
Anyway I was taken aback at this revelation because I always believed her to be speaking from a place of conviction when defending black men. I guess I was in a way projecting on her, the ethics that I abide by, and the fact that I alway bother to give a damn and to be genuine with fellow black woman. I never present an argument that I dont believe in or one that I have deep doubts about. That to me is deceitful. But I am learning, that for many black women 'playing dutiful black woman' and 'defending black men', takes precedence over all sorts of critical things and even the truth and what they know to be right and comonsense.
One key reason why many black women are in utter confusion at this point; not knowing what to believe and what to do, is because they have made a practice of overriding internal honesty particu;arly in service of black men. Not just that, this black woman thought that this 'dishonest defence' was appropraite among her fellow women; not white people or outsiders but among black women who she should have been able to drop the mask with (once again underscoring that many black women have more loyalty towards men than women).
And then she realised that this was not a fair deal.
It reminds me of plea bargins people accept when they see they have been duped. Before then, most refuse to be moral and honest or consider the victims and those who have suffered as a result of the actions of the persons they are trying to protect!
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Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Assumptions can imprison dont let it cage you
There are things that tend to be unquestioned, for instance, 'a mothers love'.
These are things which you are never supposed to doubt, and if you have ever been in a situation were you are actually questioning something which the whole world does not, you know how difficult it is. In fact, if there be any scars after the experience, many will likely be the scars of not being believed.
Take a child abuse case for instance; before the ever dependable, 'mothers's love' or 'parent care' was ever questioned in society (as it can easily be done today), many child abuse victims suffered turmoil as they tried to convince themselves first, that they were really experincing what they were, and then they had a job getting others to believe them.
I was in a situation years ago where I had to let go of a generally held assumption; a 'given', so as to hold onto my sanity.
I had just started a new job with a person I believed was very capable because she had the 'qualifications', and the public endorsement and essentially, she was in a managment position. I spent months going absolutely out of my mind and utterly confused about how the job was going, blaming myself and 'trouble shooting' myself. Finally I had to admit what I had kept suppressed because it just didnt fit in with the most basic, everyday assumption I had and I am sure most people have, that anyone in a managerial position is capable.
When I finally gave in to my instinct's reading and inner assesment of the situation (rather than an assumption based on general belief), that this was not the case with my manager, it was such a relief, a weight off my shoulders. I was able to initiate a plan of action that kept me from being dismissed for no fault of mine (because that is often what it gets round to in such situations). I was also able to filter her instructions through the helpful notion that, 'she might possibly not know what she was doing etc' this enabled me to double check things etc and with this helpful response in place, I was able to avoid disaster on a couple of cases were she had actually misdirected me.
I know many of you reading this have had reason to reassess their base line assumptions, distrust the usual protocol or set aside a belief and it paid off. Maybe it was that your freind wasnt really a friend, or your doctor wasnt giving you the best advice. Imagine if you had chosen to instead go with the general and thus easy assumption of 'a freind is a freind', or 'the doctor knows best' despite your niggling doubt. A friend of mine hassled her doctor repeatedly over a lump in her breast. A repeat biopsy proved she was right to have insisted!
But trusting your instinct even if it is sending a clear message can be frightening, particularly if you are up against the prevailing doctrine.
The very first time black women are confronted with the notion that they might do well to not hold complete and utter trust in any assumption that 'a black man will come for them', 'always treat them right', 'value them as black women', 'marry them' etc etc in fact do any of the things that black men are suppose to do because they are automatically working within the premises of black brotherhood, many have an immediate resistance, partly because these assumptions are gleaned from the sacred belief in 'black overcoming', that many of us are desperate to cleave to and around which many have built part of their identity.
However if there is lingering doubt, and unresolved tension and you dont have peace in what you have been told to believe there is a reason for it. What is your inner assesment telling you about the accepted assumptions?
More Interracial Blogger's Key Assumptions
About the popular analytical Frameworks
Interracial Bloggers work extends beyond simply pointing black women to broader choices. We are involved in helping black women better understand their social situation to become fully empowered in all areas of life.
We recognise that current frameworks and popular models for conceptualising social oppression and the general analysis on oppression be it race or gender, even the current discussions on same, have never served or been crafted to serve the black female situation either by design or default. Since these frameworks and tools used to offer an understanding of society do not serve black womens liberation needs, black women must make concerted efforts to construct and draw up an analysis for themselves and one that serves their situation and the purpose of their total empowernment. They must construct robust models that highlight comprehensively what the issues are for them and their social and situational realities and thus arrive at appropraite and effective solutions for the problems that they face.
Black women can only construct their own analysis by freeing themselves to engage in broad and ranging discussions and conversations about their experinces so as to join the dots on their situation, discover patterns and trends and ultimately come up with the full picture. This is the key reason why we as Interracial Bloggers do not make a habit of gagging black women and preventing them from speaking freely. We are willing to look beyond the few intemperate words or language, to the deeper meaning trying to emerge. We do not get stuck on the fact that black women have not laid out their arguments using the acceptable practice or approved guidelines or used a few less than choice words to state their case.
Black women must not yield to self-censorship, or force themselves to fit in with the dictates of established and accepted discourses, orthodoxies or methodolgies, which obscure how things really stand for black women. They must teach themselves to not care whose ox is gored as they enagage in an analysis of their situation, and shake off the need to manouver their conversations to 'protect' sacred cows or to avoid labels by those who use this tactic to silence and shut down black women's attempts at full empowernment.
We realise that it is for each group to try to shape the general analysis in a way to give themselves leeways, privileges and concessions or to corner some rescources or rescource accruing terminology, and to try to embed this as the acceptable discourse. However it is not for black women to subscribe to any such analysis which results in a deficit for themselves neither should they accept any 'understanding' that does not fully apprehend the black female situation, in the name of acquiesing or being agreeable in order to prevent manipulative labelling.
It is for others to claim not to understand, or see the legitimacy of the black female complaints and claims, it is not for black women to second guess themselves and their everyday experiences because of these calculated attempts to shut them up or down. If other interest groups can make a case based on their experinces and daily observations than black women should not feel they have to bring out the ruler and calipers to provide 'hard stats', about things they see, and know in their daily experinces, to prove they have a legitimate case.
In short, black women must not be afraid of challenging mainstream tools and analysis and of broadening same to make them robust and responsive and if need be do away with them altogether.
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