Have the right attitude to advice and advice givers

Many of us do not know how to receive advice.

We maintain an adversarial posture towards advice and the advice givers in our lives, giving finally a half-hearted, begrudging acceptance of the knowledge offered. Often we proceed to not pick at the advice to find holes instead of seeing the information as a nugget to spark our imagination and being creative in applying the information. Ultimately because we 'resent' the giver, we never use the advice to our benefit and to take our lives to the next level. I believe this is karmic; treat the adviser with contempt and disdain, and you wont benefit from what they offer. There is a 'transfer' that happens from the knowledgeable to the seeker of knowledge and it just does not happen without the right attitude.

I believe this wrong attitude is in part a result of black people being under the tutelage of the left, which has done a fair bit to 'disabled' appropriate attitudes and responses towards social betters in fact we are not supposed to acknowledge that there is anything like social, economic and physical superiority between people, 'because we are all suppose to be on the same level you see, no social hierarchy'. A kind of resentment of those who have implemented successful life strategies seems to be a constant reaction among black folk.

The sad thing is that this mindset is actually damaging to the person harbouring this attitude, because it holds them back and prevents them from becoming, in time, as good as or even better than the person from whom they took advice.

The The fostered idea of, 'don’t show deference to anyone' seems to control some people that they have a hard time even acknowledging the soundness of the advice or offering a thank you.

Have you ever reacted in the following ways to someone offering you advice:

1) 'If I listen to her, it means she's better than me'

2) 'I can see she is making sense, but I want her to know that its not like she is some 'expert,' after all, look at the holes A, B, C in what she is saying'

3) 'She is right but I don’t want her to feel she is like some 'big deal' or something, so I will screw up my face/act like I am not fully embracing the idea'.

You are not diminished in anyway by saying 'thank you' and 'please' rather your humanity is fostered. Being grateful and appreciative, points to an ability to recognise good fortune. If a person cannot see and appreciate good fortune...well they might as well be animals. Seeking, and when finding, appreciating good fortune is what life is all about!

I must add here that, '...after all our parents built this country, this is only me claiming what I am due...' is not the 'right' attitude towards help from a white person.

I want to share a personal experience on how a change in attitude helped me get the best out of a situation. I have a gym instructor who is younger and a lot fitter and thinner. I had a 'block' to many of the workout routines she suggested maybe because they seemed ridiculous or pulled from the air sometimes. One day I looked at her and thought to myself, 'Now Halima, as far as exercise is concerned, she is your guru. You must bow your heart and mind towards her suggestions'.

That day, when I made that decision the workout was one of my best, and I soon begun to see the 'results' of my change of mind to one of more acceptance and deference to her knowledge.

Guru
From Wikipedia
As a noun the word means the imparter of knowledge (jñāna; Also Persian: Dāna). As an adjective, it means 'heavy,' or 'weighty,' in the sense of "heavy with knowledge,"^[2] heavy with spiritual wisdom,^[3] "heavy with spiritual weight,"^[4] "heavy with the good qualities of scriptures and realization,"^[5] or "heavy with a wealth of knowledge."^[6] The word has its roots in the Sanskrit gri (to invoke, or to praise), and may have a connection to the word gur, meaning 'to raise, lift up, or to make an effort'.^[7]

I am not asking anyone to hang flower garlands round the picture frame of any person who has blessed you with advice, but be appreciative, deferential. Be a worthy receiver. Don’t be among those who don’t know how to receive advise with openness, appreciation and with humility, and with enough self-assurance to know that they are not diminished in anyway by being on the receiving end of another's wisdom.

RIP Donna Summer
Out of all the divas she was my best...still in shock

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The Blog was infected

My apologies to anyone who was confronted by a virus on this blog today. An infestation of an email fed this blog with the virus. I hope all of you protect your computers at all times. Please do.


Halima

Our young black girls are living in toxic environments

A couple of weeks ago I received an email letter from a young black school girl and the email highlighted for me again the real rough situation that exists for our young black girls who are schooling and living around black boys, how these black girls are having their self-esteem eroded just by being around black boys and their antics.

We have spoken about this situation from time to time, and indeed whenever I am around school girls and boys I can sense and see this situation playing out among them.

This young lady said that she felt diminished against her white school mates and that even though a black boy had shown her attention and they were 'dating', she couldn’t get rid of the insecurity she felt, that she wasn’t pretty enough (compared to the white and other girls he used to date), and that he was poised to 'leave her for a white girl' at any moment. Essentially she was asking herself, 'why is he with me.'

I felt very sad at this. There used to be a time when black women didn’t feel intimidated by white or other women no matter what. What has become of our rock solid self-belief that we are the finest thing on Gods earth. So while our attention has been elsewhere, self-esteem has been leaching away from our young ladies to this dreadful point where they don’t feel confident in the among the gathering of women.

I told her that I knew why she was feeling insecure and it was because of the antics of the black boys around chasing every other type of girls but black and with white and other guys essentially sticking to their race (as is the norm at that age apart from black boys and the white girls they chase), that this situation was eroding her confidence. She agreed with my assertions.

She also mentioned that black girls in her class sat around and hankered after the black boys saying that black boys are their preference. Imagine that, a preference strong and unyielding at 13!

I told her that this was an artificial preference created in their minds and maintained by their actions.

'It is important to get away from black girls who are fixating on black boys. By fantasizing about black boys only, your black girl friends are actually creating this 'artificial preference' for black boys without realizing it, because they can just as easily find other boys (Indian, Chinese, white etc) attractive if they let themselves, just as you now know you can.'

I further explain:

'Your friends are responding to black community pressures to only validate and affirm the masculinity of black boys and never look beyond them, without even knowing it! And they are unconsciously fixing a ball and chain around their ankles which will hurt them in the long run. If black boys were equally fantasizing about black girls then it would make sense for black girls to be doing it too, but since black boys are not, then this 'hold over' activity from a time when it might have made sense to 'big up' our black men, will harm no one but the black women who practice it. It is like an evolutionary feature on an organism that might have served it under a past evolutionary situation but becomes detrimental in the current one! Do you know how many organisms died out because their habits were not supported in a newer and updated environment.'

I talked about a few ways for her to reconstruct her esteem, including getting out of the environment where black men are in hot pursuit of ww and black girls sit around and hanker after them (because no matter what black girls protest, being around such activities is coroding their self-esteem). Getting away from her social circles and forging other pass times and identities would take her away from the toxic situation.

I am serious in saying to the young black girl out there, if you do not detach and remove yourself from these toxic situations you will be left with a ruined self-esteem and a negative complex about yourself and your looks which you may never get over. No 21st century woman should ever abide by situations that ends up making her feel bad about herself. No matter what she has to do to secure her sanity, she must do it!

 

My advice to young black girls facing this issue:

• 'Unteam' yourself from black boys, mentally and psychologically even if the rest of society wants to group you together. We know society sees black men and women as part of one unit but you must never agree with this. The model of 'black men and black women' has failed and has resulted in great pain for black women who because of this belief continue to keep themselves in a dynamic of doing all the work in this 'imagined' partnership while black men take the free ride. Never in anyway trust that such a partnership or agreement exists between the two genders. To save yourself great distress assume from the off that you and black men have no affinity and alignment, brotherhood, cooperation and pact to be with one another

• Get away from even black girls who are the carriers and maintainers of such ideas as 'black boys are our preference' or 'black boys are the only boys we can/should date'. If they do not and refuse to have an open mind and receptiveness to ALL that the world has to offer, cut them off from your life

• Stop worshipping what black men worship including the light skin singers and entertainers and all women we know black men have selected to uplift because of their nearness to white or their white color. Do not feed this widespread habit of elevating non black women, by buying their music and products no matter how 'banging' their music is or wonderful their products are. The good thing about the 21st century is that you can find equally good products just a click/shop away. Develop other musical tastes if necessary.

• Beauty is not about the lightness of skin (this young lady who sent me an email framed one of her comments in such a way that suggests that in her mind, lightness is synonymous with beauty, and I do believe for a significant portion of young black girls the two things things have now merged in their minds and they fully subscribe to the pretty = light belief)

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Am I crazy for feeling cheated by my Black Ex?

Aloha, very glad to have found your website as I am expecting and a bit stressed. I am a BW now married to a WM, this is my second marriage. My first marriage lasted 16 years to a BM who was military. Very stressful. We have four children together whom he has not contacted in several years racking up 40k in back support. All this from an educated BM who more than had the resources to pay the little ordered and then some. He now has two more children with an Italian/Black woman whom he has not married. I of course am remarried to a WM who has resumed the responsibility of raising my four and our one we will soon have. I don't know if I'm feeling this way because of pregnancy but I'm experiencing feelings of bitterness towards my ex for not sticking around and raising his children especially his only son. I tried to make it easy for him and he just was not interested. I came to the conclusion that while making the babies was fun when it finally came to the very real responsibility of raising his children when he was placed on shore duty it was some he wanted nothing to do with. He of course used most of his time to cheat with non BW and ignore his family. This is a different experience from my now husband who spent most of his time actively looking for a partner to marry and start a family with but failing. Big contrast a lot of bitterness. I'm raising a BM I don't want his behaviour to echo his bio dads. I kinda feel like most BM are not wanting to be family types but WM after an appropriate time see it as a much wanted milestone. Am I crazy?! - M

Aloha M

I dont think you are crazy for feeling cheated by your ex not taking up his responsibilities for your children. Your feelings of guilt at having these emotions however says a lot about the fact that black women are cautioned not to make any demands on black men and not to make life in anyway complicated for black men who need to be free of all obligations and responsbilities. Such is the warning, that when we ask them to carry their own share of any family responsibility, we start to feel guilty and ashamed as if we are imposing on them and not that we are simply requiring them to take up their fair share and as they should.

Stress, pregnancy and hormones has possibly forced to the surface, the repressed anger at yielding to being taken advantage of, and maybe it has forced you to break with the program that you are expected to follow, so now you do not want to continue to be 'reasonable' as expected.

I have noticed that most black families dont groom their male children to 'take over the family business', so to say. In other words black men are raised to dogde any family burdens, tasks or responsibility. They are not raised to see themselves as one day taking up the responsbility of mama and papa (if there is one in the house!). Instead it is assumed that the daughters will step in to ensure that black males have as unencumbered a life and lifestyle as possible. Sadly black men do what they can get away with and black women have been lectured to ensure that the black man gets away with the whole game and at her expence!

Black women are positioned as the resource and black men the parasite who can and should feed off her if he so desires, this is how the black subculture positions the genders such that black women have to deliberately opt out of the arrangement. I say deliberately because at this point, any black woman who drifts into a relationship with any black man is almost 80% certain to find her relationship with him tracing this vampyric path even in marriage! Just by being with a black man, a black woman almost certainly has signed up to this contract of being resource drained (I have argued this in my book First Steps to Personal Empowerment that the devalued status of black women is ubiquitous in the black setting such that black marrige now offers no guarantee of division of labor). Indeed the using of black women as resource, now follows black women into marriage relationships where black man see marriage as another effective space to better effect the 'feeding off black women' cycle.

My suggestion is however that you let him and his issues fade away, because there is nothing that can be done to get what is owed you or get justice regarding this situation.

Immerse yourself in your new and honorable man, give him a big kiss and a neck rub, because you dont know how lucky you are to be with a man who can be so generous and chilvarous. Dont let any bad feelings and past issues come in to sour your relationship for even two seconds. And when your son sees you respond with admiration and respect he will know that this, this is what a real man; who earns the love and respect of a woman, does. You see the thing is that we have to give clear messages to our children about what a man of honor really is. The sad thing is that many of us bw (urged by the black community), have sent out a confusing message to our young sons. Our sons see us try to help the situation with their black dads, they see black women cut men slack and reward them for failing and it becomes impressed in their minds that black women have to make do and understand and keep the love flowing no matter what black men do. With this idea in mind black boys are surely not going to be motivated to do better, they even start feeling entitled and get angry at any demand.

When you go to your husband and give him a neck rub after a hard days work, your son will see that and know that a man works hard to come home to an appreciative woman!

....

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They dont have to hate you to not want to date you!

It is important to understand and recognize how other act towards you because you will need this knowledge to be able to formulate a good plan and strategy for going forward socially.

Black men and leaning on resources of black women
When black men start out in life, they lean heavily on the resources and the good-will of black women. When black men arrive at some form of social stability they begin to protest this 'confinement' to black women as lovers and for relationships. This is one of the main dynamics draining wealth from black circles and represents the 'outward pouring' dynamic (resources traveling always out and away from black women, who create more only to have it move outwards again and again as they use it to build black men up) that leaves many black women poor and depletes their resources whether physical, emotional or mental.

Am I saying all black men do this? No, but it is done in significant numbers to be an issue for black women and an issue in terms of the drain on the meager resources black women can hardly spare. In addition many black men looking at the state of affairs also begin to aspire to the same dynamic if and when they can (once they don’t need black women to sponsor or support them). Indeed because this dynamic seems to go hand in hand with notions of prestige (i.e. rich and well to do black men picking lighter and even white skinned women and so acquiring these women is correlated with being successful etc), the trend continues upwards.

What accounts for the singleness rates among even well turned out black women
One key factor is black women focusing their romantic attention on black men exclusively. Not only does it create a culture where the idea is sold abroad that no other men need apply, it keeps black males confident that they can always get a black women and thus don’t need to be in a hurry to commit to any (and from observation this gamble is paying off as black women willingly take on, support and subsidize men who are pass their prime or who have become financially depleted). The value of black women is lowered, since no one else appears to be asking them out.

Get this Book (I wish I had thought to write is because it just needed to be written, well done D Cooper!)


I want to emphasize the point I made in the title: Black men don’t need to hate black women to not date them.

I think many folk might have gleaned the impression unwittingly from as BWE bloggers, that only black man who have contempt for black women (and show this in their actions, manner etc) exclude black women from their dating options. Many of us have come across these men, there is no denying it, however I want to illuminate the fact that not every black man excludes black women because of hate. There are black men who smile at black women, commend them on their efforts for community, say, 'Hey sis you look good', stop the bus to let you on, pull up a chair for you or move along for you to sit down....they still wont date you though!

I repeat, many black men dont actually hate black women or bear them ill-will but they just will not date them or marry them, many even feel attracted to black women but will end up with white and other women for all sorts of social and personal reasons. To the black women, no matter the 'good times' and 'laughs' if you are looking to be romantically attached, these men are of ZERO value to you!

Many black women spend years thinking, “Well he laughs at my jokes, compliments me on my natural hair, says kind words to me, spoke positively about me to management ...something is going to happen between us soon.” A black woman could quite easily spend years and years thinking that the black men around who show drips and drops of this social affection are just one step away of asking them out on a date. Whether it is church or work these black women hang around on hope until they loose the bloom of youth. Its a heartbreaking thing to see happen, yet in that state, you can hardly reach these women with reason.

The black woman of today must grow socially intelligent and must be able to read and interpret the running scripts of society in its response to her, especially when it is a repeating theme! A black woman cannot be helped if she wants to ignore the themes or pretend they aren’t there. Every other group on earth moves forward by being savvy to their situation. As I recently told a black woman, 'Black men are not marrying black women to any significant extent in today’s western society. It is for black women to figure this out quickly and get over the shock and paralysis to change course and rescue their own romantic and relationship ambitions.'


My Latest e-books are now available to buy from my website book page  or from Amazon Here (Do Black women in Afros date white Guys?)   &   Here(First Steps to personal Empowerment)

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Do Black Women in Afros Date White Guys?

 

Next Level of Activism: The boycot Video

I have always said that the next stage of BWE (Black Woman Empowerment) activism will happen when the next set of BWE activists master modern mediums and use these to push the BWE message. That is why I was so happy this video!

It will get to a stage where the likes of Tyler Perry who cast bw bashers will realize that it is not a good business decision and that it will lead to their film tanking, therefore they will investigate each cast member for a clean record. Image in one fell swoop we can get rid of all these bw-bashers and teach others that its a sure way to career ruin to be a bw-basher. Not just that white media will also catch on that bw are punishing their detractors and will opt to not cast the likes of Terrance Howard, etc if they want to appeal to black views (who are mostly black women). So I am very happy with the work of this sister, 4Blackwomenonly, you get an A plus from me and God bless you with a million dollars in your bank account.

Now I want other black women to investigate and research for other instances of hate speach against bw, in magazines, twitter etc (these fools have been open and crowing with their anti-bw hatred now it wont be too hard to find the evidence), and either send info to this young black woman or do a similar well made video also.

And the least we can do is heed the message and turn away from all films that cast any bw-basher. As you and I know dozens of bw will continue to go to support these films, why?  Because their dignity means so little, because like Essau that sold his birthright for a plate of pottage, they wold rather assuage some temporal need for foolish diversion than sacrifice that for their future betterment and that of all their little black daughters who dont deserve to live under the poisonous atmosphere unleashed by anti-black women haters!

Anyway great stuff '4blackwomenonly.'

Please be sure to forward this youtube video to at least two black women you know at a minium! Listen up BWE black women, if you are really serious about ending the siege against black women, you will do your bit, and sending an simple and sensible video (which no one in their right mind would have a problem with) is just bare minimum. THERE SHOULD BE NO EXCUSES WHY YOU COULDNT SPEND FIVE MINUTES DOING THIS!

White male readers I also invite you to send this video to black female acquinatances. Just say, "I saw this and wondered what your comments are about this issue." By pitching in all of us, we will senstize black women to their duty to stand up for themselves and push back against the toxicity aimed at black women!

I say dont just boycott, "Bankrupt all black woman bashers", let them be out on the streets! So be it.


Latest e-books are now available to buy from my website book page  or from Amazon Here 'Do Black women' & Here (First Steps)

"Supposing I wanted to Date a White Guy...?" is also available on Kindle

First Steps to Personal Empowerment

           

Do Black Women in Afros Date White Guys?

 

Black women not ready to stop being spat on by Black males

...This is the reason why we preach for black women to disconnect themselves from the larger body of black women and seek their own individual joy. When you do this you ensure your sanity and ensure yourself a good life, away from black female 'willing victims' and women who are still happy to be spat on and degraded by black men and thus who ensure that more muck from black men is heading their way.

She thinks its funny

...to have a cake this gruesome

Indeed in the most recent example we have the black male actor Kevin Hart, involved in tweeting and posting vile stuff about black women and you would think that that would be enough to raise the self preservation instinct in black women at least enough to do what they need to do to put an end to these irresponsible, almost weekly acts of public degradation of black womanhood by black men. Instead what you get is black woman after black woman rushing to defend the black male actor and bending over backwards to both excuse and deny the intent of his actions, as if it is nothing for them to be spat on and disrespected.

Black women must be the only target audience for whom studio executive and casting directors do no due dilligence, and cant be bothered to ensure that the actors (the men these women will be watching) have a clean and respectful past with their target audeince. Instead and increasingly we are seeing black men who have raped and beat down and said the most vile things against black women getting some of the most plum roles in black cinema!

Do you know why black women have no sympathy for themselves?

One clear reason is that black women are trained to cast themselves as the broad-shouldered and mature adult viz a viz black men. When issues of black men and their situation etc come up for discussion, black women immediately slip themselves into the role of the adult who should therefore be understanding and symptahetic in their view of black men (as the adult in the situation) and regard black men's actions in the most sympathetic of ways even when these men are brutalizing black women.

You need to disengage yourself from any notion that, "We have to be understanding and concerned about black men because they suffer and are victimized." Its time to tell all and sundry that you have run out of sympathy for black men and whatever little sympathy you have left you want to now focus on poor black women especially black girls who have had to go without care and concern from anybody from forever.

Tell folks who want to recruit you to black men's sympathy and excusing club, that you are no longer willing to be cast as the big sister, the older mature one viz a viz black men, and that you now duly and willingly elevate black men to the same level as yourself ie as a mature, competent person who should be held to an adult standard and adult responsibilty for their actions and not excused/understood in their agression and brutality because somehow they are the 'infants' and the victims in the arrangement!


Latest e-books are now available to buy from my website book page  or from Amazon

First Steps to Personal Empowerment

              

Do Black Women in Afros Date White Guys?